Thursday, March 18, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Sir, We Cannot Figure Out In Which End Of The Anti-Zionist To Insert The Anal Probe

by Lieutenant Zorb-8, Watch Commander, Galaga-X Scout Vessel 22R, Squadron Blue, Intergalactic Fleet Task Force M

alienIntergalactic Standard Date 14.5.99.008, in orbit around Earth - Captain, our surface team has returned from the planet with several specimens upon which to conduct our experiments, including at least three of the fascinating "Anti-Zionist" subspecies of human, but our laboratory crew are reporting some trouble determining which is the anterior and which is the posterior, and those specimens have yet to undergo the anal probing as a result.

As you no doubt realize, sir, the procedures mandate a two-hour turnaround time for all specimens, and we must decide within the net fifteen minutes how to proceed, or this batch will prove abortive, and we will fall behind schedule. At the same time, as you also know, sir, inserting the probe in the wrong end will corrupt the data it provides and our research will suffer as a result,

In consultations with the mission planners and our existing protocols, my preliminary conclusions point to an unforeseen gap in those protocols and procedures, and not to any incompetence or negligence on the part of any crew members. The lack of distinction among this subspecies between the oral and anal apertures and their respective anatomical neighborhoods, if you will, is unlike any other we have encountered to date, and yes, sir, that does include even the flat-Earther specimens and those who insist Marvel is superior to DC except perhaps for specific outliers such as the Punisher. But I digress, sir.

I think maybe this diagram will help illustrate the problem, sir. As you can see, unadulterated fecal matters spews from either end in similar quantities, a factor that deprives us of our primary method for making the determination. In addition, given the limited intelligence of the subspecies, we cannot confidently hold to the assumption that they walk upright, which deprives us of another key indicator.

Yes, sir, the trend toward, well, just plain ugliness among this subgroup has also given us problems, of course. An astute observation. Humans of all kinds have also adopted an ever-shifting array of sensibilities as to which parts of the body should have hair and which should be shorn, so we cannot put very much stock in that either, sir.

We will need a command decision on this very soon, sir. I will instruct the surface team to remain on alert, and the launch crew to prep the vessel for another sortie, just in case, so that we can at least attempt to find Anti-Zionists with a less ambiguous anatomy.



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