Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory


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Heliocentrism Is Wrong: The World Revolves Around Palestinians

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; President, State of Palestine; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization
AbbasAs a devout Muslim I have always maintained that any model of the universe with the sun at the center of our planetary system must be flawed; our scholars and spiritual leaders have always placed Earth in the center, and a flat Earth at that. But what most of them have neglected to note is the specific center of gravity, as it were, upon that Earth is the Palestinian people.

All conflicts, all injustices, indeed all world events, have their root in our struggle; no campaign may exist unless it acknowledges its links to ours, and its secondary status in relation to ours, for the Palestinian struggle must always remain first in attention, first in sympathy, first in allegiance, but most important of all, first in funding.

Nefarious actors will attempt to sway the public and the decision-makers into believing Palestine has fallen out of favor, that other conflicts demand more urgent focus at the moment, but we must pay them no heed. All the crises in Yemen, Iran, Iraq, Syria, Ukraine, Libya, France, Myanmar, Sudan, Qatar, Niger, Venezuela, Nigeria, China, Turkey, Egypt, Somalia, Pakistan, Mali, Afghanistan, Lebanon, the United States, Russia, Jordan, Spain, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Honduras, North Korea, Mexico, Greece, and elsewhere represent either offshoots of our struggle or attempts by our enemies to distract from it. Do not be diverted! Palestine is the central human rights, justice, liberation, geopolitical, and astrophysical issue of all time.

Every movement of every body in the vicinity of Earth, let alone on or near its surface; every wobble of every distant star or exoplanet as it floats about the heavens, owes its path to us, to Palestine. The media, academics, and other sources of "information" who prate on about galactic phenomena as if they bear no connection to Palestine are in the pay of Zionists. Do them violence until they acknowledge the truth, and if they refuse, do them violence until death.

Ignorant or malicious challengers will make every effort to sway you from the axiom that is Palestiniocentricity. Fight them as one fights all evil, with every means at your disposal, so that we may maintain Palestine at the top of the world's set of prior- hey! I'm talking to you! HEY! YOU CAN'T JUST WALK AWAY FROM ME! I REPRESENT THE MOST IMPORTANT CAUSE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND! INFIDEL! TRAITOR! CRIMINAL! WON'T ANYONE LISTEN?



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