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Friday, March 18, 2011

Haaretz' coverage of the events in Shushan (Josh Lipsitz)

I received a spoof edition of Haaretz PDF credited to Josh Lipsitz. Here are some of the stories:

Haaretz Interview: Haman "the wicked" –Up Close and Personal

Sitting with a relaxed Haman and sipping cappuccino in his balcony with its stunning view of the Persian kingdom I found myself wondering how this kind, engaging man received such a bad rap from so many other journalists. Over that long afternoon, I felt we formed a special bond.

Little did I know that this would, tragically, be Haman's last interview.

Haaretz: Haman, I hope I am not being presumptuous but I heard a rumor that you occasionally enjoy reading Haaretz.

Haman: Occasionally—that is not true! I read Haaretz every day! It is a great paper. The writing is crisp and engaging. The editorials are thoughtful and provocative. Your view of Mordechai and Esther is balanced and fair – not like those other Jewish papers. I draw liberally from Haaretz when I need to make my case against the Jews. I really don't know where I would be without you.

Haaretz: Wow. That comes as something of a surprise coming from a person who is usually thought of as a "hater of Jews."

Haman: (laughter) Ah yes, I expected that to come up at some point. The Jewish lobby is very powerful here in Persia and you can't talk about certain things without being pulled out on the daybed so to speak.

The truth is that I have no special hatred for Jews. I hate some Jews just as I hate some non-Jews. The arithmetic is not really important. You see I sit with you and drink coffee even though you are Jewish.

Haaretz: And you do have a beautiful place here and I feel like we can really connect. It's a shame that the Mordechai and Esther never took the time to establish this kind of dialogue with you.

Haman: I try to ignore these things and focus on initiatives that can bring positive change for Persia and stability to the Middle East.

Haaretz: The decree to kill all the Jews of Persia on the 14th of Adar. Please forgive me asking, but many have said that this is a little extreme.

Haman: Yes, well there has been a great deal of misinformation. The truth is that I was simply looking for a leisure activity for the good citizens of Persia. You see they have been very frustrated since Simon Cowell left American Idol. They need some outlet for their sadistic feelings. We all have needs you know. It was not that I had meant anything personally against the Jews. They were simply in the right place at the right time.

Haaretz: So you deny that there was something personal against Mordechai for failing to bow?

Haman: (laughing). Oh - so much has been made of that little incident by the Jewish lobbyists and by Fox News. The truth is that I barely notice whether people are bowing or not. My wife
Zeresh was more offended than I and she was offended on behalf of the honor of the King and the people of Persia. I am merely a public servant.

Haaretz: Do you think there is hope for peace with Mordechai and the Jewish fanatics?

Haman: I pray that soon when we think of the Jews we will think not just of peace but of many, many pieces.

Roger Waters to play benefit concert for Persian victims of Jewish terrorism

Visionary musician, creator of legendary rock band Pink Floyd, and moral compass for many Haaretz readers, Roger Waters, has voiced his strongest possible condemnation of Jewish violence especially against Haman, his ten sons, and the 800 innocent martyrs of Shushan. Waters has announced that Pink Floyd will hold a benefit concert in Shushan's Vashti Memorial Stadium for the families of the Victims Of Mordechai, and other Israeli Terrorists (VOMIT). They will perform works from two of Pink Floyd's best known albums: Wish Jew Were Not Here and Dark Side of the Jew. The event will be co-sponsored by the following Israeli human rights groups, Haman Achshav, Rabbis for Human Blights, B'chelem, and Machsochism Watch.


J Street to hold first "alternative" Purim celebration


J Street, the Jewish lobbying group launched by philanthropist George Tzaros, has announced plans for an alternative Purim celebration which will involve fasting, mourning, and donning of sackcloth.

J Street director Jeremy Benzonah beamed as he made the announcement, "As Jews we will celebrate Purim, but we choose to celebrate the true Purim, which we pronounce, "Poor-him" (meaning Haman).

In attendance will be the newly elected Chicago Mayor, Wrong Emanuel and there will be a videotaped greetings from US President Barak Obama and Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Edrogan. Special journalism awards will be given to Helen Thomas, who was fired from her job for speaking her mind about Israel and Jews and to New York Times columnist “Uncle” Tom Friedman.

Benzonah flatly rejected the criticisms leveled at J Street was anti-hamantaschen. These criticisms emerged recently in conservative Jewish circles after J Street backed an international Arab boycott of the triangle-shaped cake. They also sent a letter to the Food and Drug Administration requesting that Hamantaschen be
made illegal in the United States. "J Street is absolutely, and proudly prohamantaschen" says Benzonah.
"However, this does not mean that we agree with everything that the Hamatashen represents." "For example, we would be much more comfortable if the Hamantashen were smaller, round, and filled with chocolate chips or crushed pecans rather than the offensively ethnic poppy seed and jelly fillings often used by our right wing counterparts."

"As you know, friends can criticize friends."


Guiltsone Commission to investigate Jewish war crimes in Persia

The United Nations has appointed honorable Judge Richard Guiltstone to head the investigation of war crimes committed by Mordechai, Esther and gangs of right wing Jewish fanatics in Persia. Guiltstone was eager to begin the important work of the investigation. “Mordechai, Esther, and other Jewish terrorists clearly exploited the alleged extermination plan to justify widespread and disproportionate violence against Persian non-combatants.” “Many of these atrocities have been documented on film we received from Al Jazeera, the BBC and CNN.”

“Thus we are already sure that war crimes were committed. However, we need to pay lip service to some form of investigation to quiet the very powerful pro-Jewishl lobby.” Guiltstone’s committee will begin their work in Shushan where the Jews reportedly killed 800 Persians and hung Haman and his 10 sons on trees which were 50 cubits high “in a clear violation of all conventions of war.” Those trees have been brought to the Hague where they will form a permanent exhibit of man’s inhumanity. Queen Esther has been warned that if she visits the United Kingdom she will be arrested immediately which has put a damper on her Spring  shopping plans.



(h/t Menachem L)

See also Joe Settler's similar Purim spoof of HaMa'an. With comments!