Friday, March 18, 2011

  • Friday, March 18, 2011
  • Elder of Ziyon
I received a spoof edition of Haaretz PDF credited to Josh Lipsitz. Here are some of the stories:

Haaretz Interview: Haman "the wicked" –Up Close and Personal

Sitting with a relaxed Haman and sipping cappuccino in his balcony with its stunning view of the Persian kingdom I found myself wondering how this kind, engaging man received such a bad rap from so many other journalists. Over that long afternoon, I felt we formed a special bond.

Little did I know that this would, tragically, be Haman's last interview.

Haaretz: Haman, I hope I am not being presumptuous but I heard a rumor that you occasionally enjoy reading Haaretz.

Haman: Occasionally—that is not true! I read Haaretz every day! It is a great paper. The writing is crisp and engaging. The editorials are thoughtful and provocative. Your view of Mordechai and Esther is balanced and fair – not like those other Jewish papers. I draw liberally from Haaretz when I need to make my case against the Jews. I really don't know where I would be without you.

Haaretz: Wow. That comes as something of a surprise coming from a person who is usually thought of as a "hater of Jews."

Haman: (laughter) Ah yes, I expected that to come up at some point. The Jewish lobby is very powerful here in Persia and you can't talk about certain things without being pulled out on the daybed so to speak.

The truth is that I have no special hatred for Jews. I hate some Jews just as I hate some non-Jews. The arithmetic is not really important. You see I sit with you and drink coffee even though you are Jewish.

Haaretz: And you do have a beautiful place here and I feel like we can really connect. It's a shame that the Mordechai and Esther never took the time to establish this kind of dialogue with you.

Haman: I try to ignore these things and focus on initiatives that can bring positive change for Persia and stability to the Middle East.

Haaretz: The decree to kill all the Jews of Persia on the 14th of Adar. Please forgive me asking, but many have said that this is a little extreme.

Haman: Yes, well there has been a great deal of misinformation. The truth is that I was simply looking for a leisure activity for the good citizens of Persia. You see they have been very frustrated since Simon Cowell left American Idol. They need some outlet for their sadistic feelings. We all have needs you know. It was not that I had meant anything personally against the Jews. They were simply in the right place at the right time.

Haaretz: So you deny that there was something personal against Mordechai for failing to bow?

Haman: (laughing). Oh - so much has been made of that little incident by the Jewish lobbyists and by Fox News. The truth is that I barely notice whether people are bowing or not. My wife
Zeresh was more offended than I and she was offended on behalf of the honor of the King and the people of Persia. I am merely a public servant.

Haaretz: Do you think there is hope for peace with Mordechai and the Jewish fanatics?

Haman: I pray that soon when we think of the Jews we will think not just of peace but of many, many pieces.

Roger Waters to play benefit concert for Persian victims of Jewish terrorism

Visionary musician, creator of legendary rock band Pink Floyd, and moral compass for many Haaretz readers, Roger Waters, has voiced his strongest possible condemnation of Jewish violence especially against Haman, his ten sons, and the 800 innocent martyrs of Shushan. Waters has announced that Pink Floyd will hold a benefit concert in Shushan's Vashti Memorial Stadium for the families of the Victims Of Mordechai, and other Israeli Terrorists (VOMIT). They will perform works from two of Pink Floyd's best known albums: Wish Jew Were Not Here and Dark Side of the Jew. The event will be co-sponsored by the following Israeli human rights groups, Haman Achshav, Rabbis for Human Blights, B'chelem, and Machsochism Watch.

J Street to hold first "alternative" Purim celebration

J Street, the Jewish lobbying group launched by philanthropist George Tzaros, has announced plans for an alternative Purim celebration which will involve fasting, mourning, and donning of sackcloth.

J Street director Jeremy Benzonah beamed as he made the announcement, "As Jews we will celebrate Purim, but we choose to celebrate the true Purim, which we pronounce, "Poor-him" (meaning Haman).

In attendance will be the newly elected Chicago Mayor, Wrong Emanuel and there will be a videotaped greetings from US President Barak Obama and Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Edrogan. Special journalism awards will be given to Helen Thomas, who was fired from her job for speaking her mind about Israel and Jews and to New York Times columnist “Uncle” Tom Friedman.

Benzonah flatly rejected the criticisms leveled at J Street was anti-hamantaschen. These criticisms emerged recently in conservative Jewish circles after J Street backed an international Arab boycott of the triangle-shaped cake. They also sent a letter to the Food and Drug Administration requesting that Hamantaschen be
made illegal in the United States. "J Street is absolutely, and proudly prohamantaschen" says Benzonah.
"However, this does not mean that we agree with everything that the Hamatashen represents." "For example, we would be much more comfortable if the Hamantashen were smaller, round, and filled with chocolate chips or crushed pecans rather than the offensively ethnic poppy seed and jelly fillings often used by our right wing counterparts."

"As you know, friends can criticize friends."

Guiltsone Commission to investigate Jewish war crimes in Persia

The United Nations has appointed honorable Judge Richard Guiltstone to head the investigation of war crimes committed by Mordechai, Esther and gangs of right wing Jewish fanatics in Persia. Guiltstone was eager to begin the important work of the investigation. “Mordechai, Esther, and other Jewish terrorists clearly exploited the alleged extermination plan to justify widespread and disproportionate violence against Persian non-combatants.” “Many of these atrocities have been documented on film we received from Al Jazeera, the BBC and CNN.”

“Thus we are already sure that war crimes were committed. However, we need to pay lip service to some form of investigation to quiet the very powerful pro-Jewishl lobby.” Guiltstone’s committee will begin their work in Shushan where the Jews reportedly killed 800 Persians and hung Haman and his 10 sons on trees which were 50 cubits high “in a clear violation of all conventions of war.” Those trees have been brought to the Hague where they will form a permanent exhibit of man’s inhumanity. Queen Esther has been warned that if she visits the United Kingdom she will be arrested immediately which has put a damper on her Spring  shopping plans.

(h/t Menachem L)

See also Joe Settler's similar Purim spoof of HaMa'an. With comments!

EoZTV Podcast

Podcast URL

Subscribe in podnovaSubscribe with FeedlyAdd to netvibes
addtomyyahoo4Subscribe with SubToMe

search eoz



follow me

Follow by Email


Share on Whatsapp


For $18 donation

Sample Text

EoZ's Most Popular Posts Ever


Elder of Ziyon - حـكـيـم صـهـيـون

This blog may be a labor of love for me, but it takes a lot of effort, time and money. For over 12 years and over 25,000 articles I have been providing accurate, original news that would have remained unnoticed. I've written hundreds of scoops and sometimes my reporting ends up making a real difference. I appreciate any donations you can give to keep this blog going.


Donate to fight for Israel!

Monthly subscription:
Payment options

One time donation:

subscribe via email

Follow EoZ on Twitter!



The Jerusalem Report:"A seemingly indefatigable one-man operation, armed only with a computer, chutzpa and stamina."

Algemeiner: "Fiercely intelligent and erudite"

Omri: "Elder is one of the best established and most respected members of the jblogosphere..."
Atheist Jew:"Elder of Ziyon probably had the greatest impression on me..."
Soccer Dad: "He undertakes the important task of making sure that his readers learn from history."
AbbaGav: "A truly exceptional blog..."
Judeopundit: "[A] venerable blog-pioneer and beloved patriarchal figure...his blog is indispensable."
Oleh Musings: "The most comprehensive Zionist blog I have seen."
Carl in Jerusalem: "...probably the most under-recognized blog in the JBlogsphere as far as I am concerned."
Aussie Dave: "King of the auto-translation."
The Israel Situation:The Elder manages to write so many great, investigative posts that I am often looking to him for important news on the PalArab (his term for Palestinian Arab) side of things."
Tikun Olam: "Either you are carelessly ignorant or a willful liar and distorter of the truth. Either way, it makes you one mean SOB."
Mondoweiss commenter: "For virulent pro-Zionism (and plain straightforward lies of course) there is nothing much to beat it."
Didi Remez: "Leading wingnut"

Interesting Blogs


Abbas liar Academic fraud administrivia al-Qaeda algeria American Jews Amnesty analysis anti-semitism antisemitism apartheid arab refugees Arafat archaeology art ASHREI B'tselem bahrain Balfour bbc BDS BDSFail Bedouin Beitunia beoz book review Brant Rosen breaking the silence Campus antisemitism Cardozo Chakindas Chanukah Christians circumcision Clark Kent Community Standards conspiracy theories Cyprus Daled Amos Daphne Anson David Applebaum Davis report DCI-P Divest This double standards Egypt Elder gets results ElderToons Electronic Intifada Embassy EoZ Trump symposium eoz-symposium EoZNews eoztv Erekat Erekat lung transplant EU Euro-Mid Observer European antisemitism Facebook jail Fake Civilians 2014 Farrakhan Fatah featured Features fisking flotilla Forest Rain Forward free gaza freedom of press palestinian style future martyr Gary Spedding gaza Gaza Platform George Galloway George Soros German Jewry gideon levy gilad shalit gisha Goldstone Report Good news Grapel Guardian gunness Haaretz Hadassah hamas Hamas war crimes Hananya Naftali hasbara Hasby 2014 Hasby 2016 Hasby 2018 hate speech Hebron helen thomas hezbollah history Hizballah Holocaust Holocaust denial honor killing HRW Human Rights Humanitarian crisis humor huor Hypocrisy ICRC IDF Ilan Pappe impossible peace incitement Indonesia international law intransigence iran Iraq Islamic Judeophobia Islamism Israel Loves America Israeli culture Israeli high-tech J Street jabalya jeremy bowen Jerusalem jewish fiction Jewish Voice for Peace jihad jimmy carter John Kerry jokes jonathan cook Jordan Joseph Massad Juan Cole Judaism Judea-Samaria Judean Rose Kairos Karl Vick Keith Ellison ken roth khalid amayreh Khaybar Lebanon leftists Linda Sarsour Linkdump lumish mahmoud zahar Malaysia max blumenthal Mazen Adi McGraw-Hill media bias Methodist Michael Ross Miftah Missionaries moderate Islam Mohammed Assaf Mondoweiss moonbats Morocco Mudar Zahran music Muslim Brotherhood Nakba Nation of Islam Natural gas Nazi Netanyahu News nftp NGO NIF Noah Phillips norpac NYT Occupation offbeat Omar Barghouti Only in Israel Opinion oxfam PA corruption PalArab lies Palestine Papers pallywood pchr PCUSA Peace Now Peter Beinart Petra MB poetry Poland poll Poster Preoccupied Prisoners propaganda Proud to be Zionist Puar Purim purimshpiel Putin Qaradawi Qassam calendar Quora Rafah Ray Hanania real liberals reference Richard Falk Richard Silverstein Right of return Robert Werdine rogel alpher roger cohen roger waters Rutgers Saeb Erekat Saudi Arabia saudi vice self-death self-death palestinians sex crimes SFSU shechita sheikh tamimi Shujaiyeh Simchat Torah Simona Sharoni SodaStream South Africa Speech stamps Superman Syria Tarabin Temple Mount Terrorism This is Zionism Thomas Friedman TOI Trump Tunisia Turkey UCI UK UN UNDP unesco unhrc UNICEF United Arab Emirates Unity unrwa UNRWA hate unrwa reports UNRWA-USA unwra Varda Vic Rosenthal Washington wikileaks work accident X-washing Y. Ben-David Yemen YMikarov zahran Ziesel zionist attack zoo Zvi

Blog Archive