Saturday, January 08, 2011

  • Saturday, January 08, 2011
  • Elder of Ziyon
SCENE: Mrs. Ginsburg is in the kitchen of her home in Israel, preparing a meal.

The door bursts open and three men in suits enter.

MAN 1: Drop the knife!

MRS. GINSBURG [dropping knife] : What's wrong? Who are you?

MAN 1: I'm Richard Johnson - Human Rights Police. Step away from the counter!

MRS. G: Oh, dear, what's wrong?

JOHNSON: Your chemical weapons killed an Arab woman in the next village.

MRS. G, surprised: What did you say?

JOHNSON: Oh, don't act coy, ma'am. You know what you did.

MRS. G: To be honest, I'm at a loss. I'm just preparing dinner for my family.

JOHNSON: Oh, sure. Dinner. And I suppose that all of your dinners include - onions? [pointing to her chopping board]

MRS. G: Well, some of them do.

MAN 2: Onions contain chemicals. At high concentrations the chemicals can kill someone. And that's exactly what happened to Mrs. Khalawar.

MAN 3: Propanol S-oxide.

MRS. G: I'm so sorry! I didn't know!

JOHNSON: Oh, yes you did. Your eyes tear when you chop onions - you know, and so does everyone else. Don't pretend and lie. You Israelis make me sick.

MRS. G: But if onions are so dangerous,then we have to warn the people in the nursing home down the block!

JOHNSON: Really? [Speaking into walkie talkie] - Whitson, new information about an old age home - check it out for fatalities. [Back to Mrs. Ginsburg] What's the name of the facility?

MRS. G: Ummm...the Gloria Cohen center, I think.

JOHNSON makes a disgusted face. [back to walkie talkie] Cancel that order, Whitson. [To Mrs. Ginsburg] Stop playing with us, the fumes only kill Arabs. Everyone knows that.

MRS G: I don't want to hurt anyone, but how can I cook without onions? I always use onions! Onion soup, chopped liver, and tonight I was making pepper steak...

JOHNSON: [Shocked] Did you say pepper?

MRS. G: Yes, pepper steak...

JOHNSON [to walkie talkie] Get the Hazmat suits, stat! We have a full blown case of chemical warfare here!

MRS. G: [sputtering] But...but...

MAN 2: Two lachrymatory agents in one dish! The horror!

MAN 3: Who knows how the S-oxide would combine with the capsaicin in the peppers? It could start World War 3!

JOHNSON: [to walkie talkie] Find out every Arab woman and child who has died in the past six months within a five kilometer radius. [eyeing Mrs. Ginsburg] We think we found the cause. Over. [back to Mrs. Ginsburg] Do you know nothing about human rights of Arabs? Now we have to shut you down.

[Men arrive in hazmat suits, start ripping apart Mrs. Ginsburg's kitchen.]

[Tight shot of a confused Mrs. Ginsburg. Fade out.]

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