Sunday, February 03, 2008

Jewish leaders urge calm, hope to avoid "detergent riots"

Jewish leaders today called for calm in anticipation of the release of the new All Mighty laundry detergent.

Extremist Jewish groups threatened Unilever, makers of the detergent.

Rabbi Youssef Goldstein, leader of the "Defending G-d Brigades," called for the death of all Unilever employees as well as those of any supermarkets, stores and advertising agencies associated with the "blasphemous" product. "It is obvious that these sons of pigs intend to trivialize our sacred beliefs with this scandalous piece of filth," he said in an exclusive statement to EoZ News.

"Naming a detergent after the A-lm-ght-, a product that is used to clean diapers and other disgusting unclean items, is beyond the pale. It shows just how trivial our belief system is being held by the so-called enlightened world."

Other Jewish leaders called for calm in the face of expected protests.

"While this is clearly a provocation, I urge all Jews to remain calm and protest peacefully," said the head of the Orthodox Society of Traditional Jews. "There is no need for deadly riots and calls for murder at this time. It all depends on how Unilever reacts to our pain and suffering."

The more liberal Union of Reform Jews and Others was more conciliatory.

"The URJO calls on Unilever to work to reduce the obvious provocations against our heartfelt belief system. On the other hand, we don't think that death threats are productive."

Officials from Unilever expressed surprise.

"The official name is 'All Small and Mighty,' and it didn't enter our minds that this could be offensive," said company spkesperson John Generic.

Goldstein wasn't impressed.

"Just look at the bottle!" he said. "From now on, we demand that Jewish representatives be consulted before any product launch by any company in America or worldwide, to protect our Al-M-gh- G-d from possible hurt feelings."