Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Sharon to Ban Oranges (Punks of Zion)

I have a warm spot in my heart for the Punks of Zion, who are anxiously awaiting my retirement (or perhaps demise) so they can take over the family business of world domination. I remember well my younger days when I posted satirical spoofs on the pre-Web Usenet, and it is great to see these whippersnappers living up to the name.

(Not to be confused with the beautiful and talented Daughter of Ziyon, who has yet to dabble her toes in the murky Jew pool of international banking, world media ownership, and Hollywood. What can I say, she has more pressing teenage concerns. She is being carefully groomed for greatness...)

Sharon to Ban Oranges
JERUSALEM, don’t expect a country name here (AP) – Following the recent ban on orange bracelets and Hindus, the Israeli government has decided to take it a step further by announcing a ban on the sale of oranges. According to government officials, the move is intended to curb the burgeoning anti-disengagement movement which is represented by the fruit’s eponymous hue.

The Orange Revolution, as it is known, is modeled after the people-power movement which led to the overturning of election results in the Ukraine last winter. Hatched by a small but determined band of zealous settlers in response to Ariel Sharon’s proposal for unilateral disengagement from settlements in Gaza and northern Samaria, it has since matured into a political juggernaut that has gained the sympathy of many across the political spectrum and is not showing any sign of abatement.

Effective August 1, the ban will also cover tangerines, clementines and navels. Grocery stores, supermarkets and other retailers violating the ban will face hefty fines and possible misdemeanor charges. The government will now view all those who purchase the delicious citrus as a subversive fifth column who must be dealt with harshly.
“Although it will hurt my business, I will throw my support behind any decision that will hasten the expulsion of Jews from Gaza,” said Ahmed Jalili, who runs a fruit stand in Jaffa. “As the old Arab maxim goes: ‘When in doubt, kick ‘em out!’”

Similar sentiments were shared by Liora Steinberg, a student activist at Haifa University.

“I doggedly hold by a belief in free choice and civil liberties, so my gut reaction would be to oppose this government’s latest draconian decree,” she stated. “However, I’m all for any move that will screw over the settlers. Oh, how I loathe those little Eichmanns!”

Her religiously secular “companion,” Eynet (insert Ashkenazi surname) agrees. “I don’t believe in G-d, but if I did, I’d pray for Him to kill off those settler heathen in the most gruesome manner possible,” she callously proclaimed.