Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: Preoccupied

Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts

Thursday, August 10, 2023

Report: Environmental Terrorism OK When Palestinians Do It (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Hermesh, August 10 - A consortium of ecological-activism organizations released a study this week containing what many scientists consider a surprising finding: that when Palestinian rioters loft incendiary balloons or kites from the Gaza Strip that land in Israel and ignite brush fires, or when Palestinians directly start brush or forest fires near Jewish communities and cities, that has no observable effect on carbon emissions, biodiversity, the water supply, climate change, or other important phenomena at the center of global ecology activism.

The journal Justice, Indigeneity, Health, And Diversity (JIHAD) ran an article in the August 6 issue highlighting the peculiarities of Palestinian use of arson to resist Zionism, in which the authors asserted several counterintuitive data points: that the use of such fire, which has destroyed hundreds of acres of brush and woodland in Israel, along with unknown quantities of fauna, represents an authentic indigenous technique to combat the invader, presumably in this case foxes, jackals, hyraxes, several species of fallow deer, and hoopoe birds; that atmospheric pollution only counts when produced by Western countries, a hypothesis raised by other scientists in the context of China, but whose mechanism remains poorly understood; and that Palestinian arson produces potential ecological benefits, such as reduction of overpopulation, specifically of Jews, a problem that has plagued Palestinians and their allies since the 1930's.

"Our research found that Palestinian brush fires aimed at Israelis do not follow the typical 'rules,' if you will, of the wildfire phenomenon elsewhere," the article stated. "Whereas almost anywhere else, we seek to identify the cause of, mitigate, and prevent fires through efforts to reduce the climate change and the anthropogenic factors that contribute to it, in the case of Palestine, the opposite approach is indicated."

"Palestinians should be lighting more fires, burning more tires, sending more incendiary devices into Israeli kindergartens via kites and helium balloon," the authors urged. "Those measures will not only reinforce the embattled, endangered indigenous ways of knowing and resisting, which we know are of utmost importance in maintaining human diversity, but will, in fact, reduce carbon emissions, lower sea levels, bring back extinct species, replenish atmospheric ozone, dissolve the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, eliminate oceanic microplastics, increase worldwide recycling, filter out dioxins from the air, clear up pollutants from ground water, and render human energy production fully renewable by 2040."

"OK, maybe not all of those things, but they are more likely than a Palestinian state."

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Iranians Circumspect About Lack Of Media Coverage Of Continuous Protest: 'We're Not Palestinian' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Tehran, August 3 - Nearly a year of demonstrations by ordinary citizens against the repressive policies of the Ayatollah Khamenei regime have faded in the international news consciousness, but have not abated - and the people who continue to defy the totalitarian national leadership nevertheless understand why journalists have lost interest in the popular unrest: the opponents of the demonstrators are not Jews, and therefore, unlike Palestinians, cannot anyone to continue caring after all this time.

Dozens of protests occurred across Iran just over the last week, yet garnered next to no coverage in mainstream western journalism outlets. The movement began - or, many would argue, began again - last September following the killing of Mahsa Amini, arrested for refusing to wear the mandatory head-covering for women. The sustained protest movement has proved more robust and irrepressible than several previous rounds of civil unrest in Iran, dating back to 2009. Journalists have elected to reduce their reporting on the protests, which now barely register in the Western consciousness, if at all, as a result. After all, Iranians aren't Palestinians, whose hundred-year campaign to deny Jews sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland, affecting far fewer people than the Iran situation, deserves sustained, permanent attention in Western headlines.

"We know, we're not Palestinians, whose suffering actually matters," acknowledged Siraj Ganejad, 24, as he evaded blows from a Basij militia thug. "But we have to fight our fight even if Joe Biden wants to support the dictator Khamenei and allow him to threaten the world with nuclear weapons. We accepted our third-rate victim status long ago. We will never be invited to address the UN wearing a sidearm, as Arafat was."

"I wouldn't expect organizations such as Human Rights Watch or Amnesty International to pay us more than token attention," explained Masih Shirazi, as she was tackled by four enforcement personnel and bundled into a van, bleeding and battered, for the crime of waling around in public without the compulsory hijab. "Sure, we'll make it as a footnote, or part of a statistic in some aggregate report, but not with the bombast or brouhaha that those NGOs can always muster for Israel. Their funding sources and activists aren't interested in the depredations of Iran's leaders, because Iran's leaders aren't Jews. We know we'll always be a footnote to the real struggle, which is of course Justice for Palestine."

A spokesman for The New York Times responded to an inquiry on the subject with surprise that the protests are still happening in Iran.

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Driver Honks To Urge Car In Front To Get Stuck At Next Red Sooner (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, July 27 - A motorist on one of the city's busiest arteries signaled to the vehicle operator ahead of him to proceed swiftly, now that the red signal at the intersection had turned green, to help ensure that both automobiles reach the next intersection in less time, and spend the time saved waiting for that light to change, as well.

Gadi Yitzhaki, 50, driving a black Skoda Octavia, honked at the Honda Accord in front of him on Ben-Tzvi Boulevard early this afternoon, and in doing so communicated the importance of accelerating at once, to get stuck sooner at the following traffic light.

"Time is a precious resource," he explained to his passenger. "And other people's time is even more precious. You have permission to use your own time as you please, but not other people's time. That means doing everything you can not to waste other people's time. You can't just wait after the light turns green, not even a little. It's not your time to decide what to do with. People need to get places, and you're in the way. You have a responsibility."

The driver in front of Yitzhaki appeared to understand the message. She released her brake and proceeded apace toward the next red light, where both cars, among others, sat for a further 40 seconds before that light, as well, turned green. This time, however, Yitzhaki had maneuvered to the the lead position in the adjacent lane, and was able to start moving again without waiting for others.

To do so, Yitzhaki sped up to overtake the Honda and reach the next intersection a full 3.8 seconds before the other car, where both waited. He voiced satisfaction at his time efficiency.

"Not everyone knows how to maximize resources," he boasted. "I pride myself on not wasting seconds between tasks. That's where so many people lose track, don't understand 'where the time has gone.' It just takes a second or two to knock you off track if you're not focused on keeping things going as they should. I've worked for a long time to shave off those seconds between tasks, and it keeps my efficiency at its peak."

Yitzhaki then launched into a diatribe against cyclists who "think they own the road and should show more respect, especially for drivers going much faster," at least two of whom made it from the previous traffic light to this current one in time to wait in front of his Skoda.

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If We're To Genocide The Palestinians, What's With All The Free Medical Care? (PreOccupied Territory)

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If We're To Genocide The Palestinians, What's With All The Free Medical Care?

by Dr. Tzvi Bar-Giora, Department Chief, Obstetrics, Hadassah - Ein Kerem University Medical Center

Jerusalem, July 20 - Thank you for attending this meeting today, ladies and gentlemen. I realize I called it on short notice, and I don not intend to keep you from your duties and commitments any longer than necessary. But a critical issue has come up for this hospital, and we must address it in a fundamental and thorough way: if Zionism aims to exterminate the Palestinians, why has this Zionist institution provided life-saving and life-improving treatment to any and all Palestinians who come through our doors - and why do we continue to do so?

This crucial question gets to the very core of our mission as the bearers of the legacy of Henrietta Szold herself. Ms. Szold dedicated her life to health care in the incipient Zionist state. We, her spiritual and professional heirs, are charged with maintaining and expanding her life's work. Yet every single day, multiple times a day, each of us gives care to Palestinians, often without demanding payment - I ask you, how does that square with the genocide we are supposedly perpetrating as a people against the Palestinians?

I will grant that the genocide has not, by any statistical or factual measure, been a success. Perhaps a million Arabs lived in this land before the establishment of Israel. They have multiplied by a factor of at least seven, and the body count for this conflict in the last eighty or so years hasn't even cracked six figures. We are definitely going about genocide wrong.

That is an important point you just made, Professor Levy. As Jews we know all too well what the pursuit of genocide looks like. Some of our own parents or other relatives witnessed it firsthand, swallowing up their families and communities during the Holocaust. You would think just from observation, we might learn a thing or two about how it's done! But no: not only do we not have execution pits, gas chambers, cattle cars, mass starvation, work-to-death camps, or local collaborators happy to do the massacring, raping, and pillaging for us, we give our putative victims immunizations, blood transfusions, antibiotics, corrective surgery, rehabilitative regimens.... Thank you for pointing that out, professor, as it highlights the absurd failures of this entire endeavor.

I am beginning to think, my friends, that we are not, nor have we ever been, serious about this genocide thing.

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Effort To Drive Jews Into Sea Refocuses On Hacking Waze To Point Toward Mediterranean (PreOccupied Territory)

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Gaza City, July 13 - Gradual abandonment of a hundred years of Arab campaigns to dislodge Jews from their ancestral homeland has produced numerous far-reaching effects, such as stagnation for those who continue to reject the Jewish State, widespread Arab reconciliation with Israel, and promising new vistas of cooperation in regional trade, defense, and scientific endeavors - as well as, at least among hardline Palestinians, the realization that they must adapt their pursuit hitherto of propelling those Jews into the sea as promised in 1948 to more realistic methods, with the latest possibility involving a security breach of a popular driving-directions app to trick Israelis into driving themselves into the sea.

Israel's growing military prowess, coupled with Arab-Palestinian incompetence, corruption, and infighting, long ago rendered toothless the threat from its neighbors to "drive the Jews into the sea," a battle cry that carried more credibility and valence when the nascent Israel found itself outnumbered, out-equipped, and outgunned. Two armed Palestinian uprisings in the last forty years, plus other sporadic waves of terrorism, have similarly failed to make a dent in, let alone reverse, the sturdiness and prosperity of Israel.

Despite dogged adherence to the rejectionist approach - to admit error or defeat is to invite unbearable shame - Palestinian strategists have made attempts to adjust their methods: car ramming attacks; stabbing sprees; rockets - but the growth and success of Israel in the face of - and some argue because of - such violence has prompted a reassessment of direct violence as an effective means to achieve driving the Jews into the sea. Instead, those strategists have developed the beginnings of a newer method that leverages Israelis' reliance on Waze to guide them toward their automotive destinations.

Now bought out by tech giant Google, Waze began as an Israeli startup; the poetry of the history is not lost on the proposal's proponents. They hope to engage the assistance and technical knowledge of the Islamic Republic of Iran in bankrolling and developing a hack that will reprogram Israeli Waze users' devices to cause all the vehicle operators to drive into the sea on their own - finally fulfilling the 1948 promise of Arab leaders that they and all of Israel's enemies ever since have repeatedly failed to approach fulfilling.

"We just need to find the right way to fool users," boasted program initiator Fashla Fadiha. "But it shouldn't be a problem. We've been inside Israelis' heads forever, always knowing exactly how they'll react to our moves and our intimidation, which is why we've been so successful at resistance until now."

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Israeli Hospitals Perform Genocide On Arab Bacteria

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Haifa, July 6 - Human rights activists accused the Jewish State today of exterminating indigenous groups, in particular the microfauna that populate the interior of Arab bodies, with the death toll exceeding more than a billion lives per day, the activists allege.

Doctors Without Borders, B'tselem, Human Rights Watch, and several smaller groups made the claims yesterday and today in a coordinated campaign to raise awareness of the day-in, day-out massacres of Arab bacteria and other microorganisms by Israeli health care workers by various brutal means: antibiotics, antiseptics, anti-fungal agents, and external detergent materials such as anti-microbial soaps.

"The daily mass killing can only be described as a genocide," stated Btselem spokesman Aretha Meisin. "The indigenous microbiome of this land, dating all the way back to prehistoric times, faces daily killing on the order of tens of billions, maybe hundreds of billions, per week - all at the hand of Israel's 'health care' system, which pursues the extermination of Arab microorganisms at a rate that can only be called ruthless."

"The fact that it's medical personnel," added Human Rights Watch Israel-Palestine specialist Omar Shakir, "makes it all the more heinous. These people assert their supposed supremacy and superiority over vast swaths of biota and condemn them to chemically-induced death, with an efficiency and death toll that would put the Nazis to shame. The Nazis also poisoned their victims in the gas chambers, but they didn't kill nearly as many."

"It's not only in the clinical setting where such cruelty is manifest," observed Doctors Without Borders activist Louis Posterieur. "Israel has a plethora of government-funded facilities constantly pioneering more efficient ways to perpetrate this ongoing genocide. the Weizmann Institute of Science. The Hebrew University of Jerusalem, with Hadassah Hospital. That's just the most prominent ones. Every hospital in the country has laboratories for determining what substances will do the best job of killing most indigenous Arab microbes in the shortest time - while leaving Jewish bodies, often belonging to illegal settlers, healthy in the end."

The activists also accused major international players of bankrolling and benefiting from the lethal research, and even rewarding it with prestigious prizes and grants. They called on governing bodies of scientific and medical organizations to sanction Israeli institutions and official organs of government, plus whomever else in Israel, just in case, to prevent further genocide.

Some of the activists compared the ongoing genocide to Zionist activities a century ago to drain swampland around the country, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of millions of Arab mosquitoes and of billions of innocent malaria pathogens.

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School Raises Record Amount By Giving Parents Choice To Donate Instead Of Attending Year-End Production (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, June 29 - A local principal made waves in the primary education field last week by leveraging the reluctance and hassle involved in wasting an entire evening on amateurish performances and hackneyed speeches to mark the conclusion of the academic term each June: in lieu of spending time at the two- to-three-hour event on a weeknight, listening to faculty and staff drone on and on and watching the children put on skits or dances that would humiliate beached whales, the institution accepted 300-shekel contributions from each family - and brought in more money than at any other fundraiser in the school's twenty-year existence.

Devorah Friedman, headmaster of Merhavim Elementary School, responded to private feedback from numerous parents by offering the pay-instead-of-attend option for both the celebratory gathering involving grades 1-5 and the more elaborate graduation ceremony for the sixth grade. Friedman reported that near-unanimous parental choice of donating instead of attending resulted in tens of thousands of shekels flowing into the school coffers, the largest total of private donations from any of the school's many efforts to raise money.

"We've had institutional and governmental assistance in larger amounts, certainly," she acknowledged. "But none of our community-based initiatives earned nearly this much. Of the approximately eight hundred families with children at our school, seven hundred sixty decided to donate. The few exceptions were all first-time parents of first-graders. Even the parents of the sixth-graders, every last one, including the two families for whom it's their last child, opted to pay instead of attending."

"We've been able to save more money, beyond that, on the costs of the productions themselves," she elaborated. "All the extracurricular preparation time, the materials, the refreshments, the costumes, et cetera - so we ended up with more than the donation amounts as well."

Parents explained that they had had enough of the end-of-year ceremonies and accompanying plays, dances, songs, and speeches already in previous years, and did not need to blow a valuable, not to mention beautiful, June evening in Jerusalem attending yet another such performance.

"All the schools should do this," gushed Daniel Zvuloni, parent of a sixth-grader and third-grader. "I don't care that it's essentially extortion: give us hundreds of shekels or we'll force you to attend these tedious events. I gave double this year, I was so grateful for the freedom. I even asked if there's a way to prepay not to attend anything for the next three years, and I'm going to suggest the same policy to my older kids' schools."

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Report: Opponents Violating Norms Makes It OK For You To Be An Ass Too (PreOccupied Territory)

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Tel Aviv, June 22 - A new study confirms what many had assumed or intuited for years, namely that unsavory, unethical, impolite, and, sometimes, illegal behavior on the part of people on the other side of the political aisle from you justifies your adoption of the same or worse behaviors in response.

Writing in the journal He Started It, a team of researchers from the University of Racetothegutter in Cellar, Germany, published an article detailing their discovery that when anyone prominent in a political camp, however loosely defined, violates norms that until than many had assumed govern the rhetoric and actions of political expression, that violation gives a moral, interpersonal, and ethical imprimatur for those in the opposing political camp to engage in either those violations themselves, in service of their political cause, or, preferably, to engage in different and more egregious violations of norms.

"We found that while norms are supposed to be a good thing," the authors wrote, "in fact they only serve a good purpose if other people, in particular the people with whom you disagree, adhere to them. Norms serve no real purpose once even a single high-profile - or, let's be honest, low-to-medium profile, if you dig long enough - figure on the other side disregards them. Once that happens, poof, the norm is gone, but it was important until that moment. Now, with the norm gone, you are free to be a jackass with hemorrhoids. It's science."

The norms, the article explained, can feature in the realms of political protest, politicians' conduct in their official capacities, adherence to unstated or customary rules in legislative proceedings, etiquette, vocabulary, and debate, among others.

The writers acknowledge their puzzlement at an important fact that remains unexplained. "It appears that the original violators of the norms nevertheless expect their opponents not to violate the same norms," they wrote.

They theorize that the initial violation of norms took place in a unique or special context that justifies that violation, a justification that their opponents willfully fail to admit pertains only to the original norms violation and could never justify those opponents' violations of the norms, which of course are still sacred.

Thus, only your side may ignore, dismiss, or justify such phenomena as riots, looting, trespassing, vandalism, or assault in the pursuit of political goals or ideologies that you favor, or that your allies favor, but if the other side does anything similar, that only shows how uncivilized and wrong they must be.

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Hot-Dog-Suit-Wearing Biden Vows To Investigate US Funding Source For Antisemitic Palestinian Curricula (PreOccupied Territory)

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Washington, June 15 - The President of the United States donned a frankfurter costume today and declared his administration's determination to figure out who continually provides hundreds of millions of dollars to an organization that exists to keep millions of Palestinians stateless, radicalized, opposed to coexistence with Israel, and raised generation after generation to view violence as the only proper solution to their plight.

"We're all trying to find the guy who did this," vowed Joseph R. Biden to all those present in the Oval Office for an update meeting on his decision to fund the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees, which provides employment, food, education, and social services for the descendants of Arabs who fled, mostly before Jewish fighter showed up, the British Mandate of Palestine when the establishment of a Jewish state there was imminent. Repeated studies have found that the organization uses educational public awareness materials that deny the Jewish connection to the Land of Israel, deny Jewish origins in the land, foment violence, and cultivate a zero-sum view of the conflict with Israel as resolvable only through total destruction of the Jewish State.

"As soon as we have any leads, we will be sure to let the American people know," assured Biden. "I personally guarantee that not one more cent of American taxpayer dollars will go toward incitement."

UNRWA uses a different definition of "refugee" from the other UN body - the High Commission for Refugees - that handles all other refugees from violent conflicts around the world, and it gives those "Palestine Refugees" different treatment from standard refugee treatment: the UN strives to resettle refugees in other countries where they attain citizenship and start over, whereas Palestine Refugees are kept in perpetual statelessness, often facing Apartheid in their host countries, until "resolution" of their situation. Refugees are no longer refugees once the UN resettles them; Palestine Refugees cannot be removed from the rosters. Refugees cannot, except under rare circumstances, bequeath refugee status to their offspring; Palestine Refugees and all their descendants in perpetuity gain that status at birth - meaning that each year, the number of Palestine Refugees continues to balloon.

That ballooning requires ballooning budgetary support, which in large part comes from the US - and Biden swore at today's meeting to identify and track down whichever national government, and whichever branch of that government in charge of foreign policy, keeps making the decision to provide the money that sustains the problematic UNRWA.

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Rabbinate: Wedding Without Chocolate Potentially Invalid (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, June 8 - The Religious Council notified a local couple today that they might be required to undergo their marriage ceremony a second time to ensure its propriety, the bride and groom reported today, because at the gatherings before and following the original ceremony, not a single chocolate items appeared, not even at dessert, rendering the entire event moot.

Tehilla and Yosef Birnbaum held their wedding at the Ramat Rachel complex last week, with more than two hundred family and friends in attendance. The officiating Rabbi took pains beforehand to explain to each half of the couple the various elements of the proceedings and the requirements for ensuring they have force according to Jewish law: the value of the ring; the groom's ownership of the ring; each party's affirmation of understanding the contents of the marriage contract; the validity of the witnesses to the contract and to the ceremony itself; and numerous other details. He did not, however, stress the importance of chocolate in providing full validity to the marriage ceremony, operating under the assumption that anyone with a functioning brain knows how automatic the association between chocolate and celebration is.

A Rabbinate spokesman acknowledged that this case lacks precedent. "We've never encountered anything like this in institutional memory," stated Rabbi Hersh Iczaklatt. "While it's possible that chocolateless weddings have taken place under the auspices of the Chief Rabbinate, whether under Israeli, British, or possibly Ottoman rule, we have no explicit attestations to them, and cannot therefore assume their validity."

"Earlier sources are less than illuminating, but for different reasons," he continued. "We know chocolate only left the Americas and spread to the rest of the world about five centuries ago. Until chocolate became a standard confection or dessert item, and not merely the province of the wealthy, a wedding without chocolate posed no problem. But Jewish law is a practical system, a system of the experiential and the expectations that common experience produces. Once chocolate evolved into its ubiquitous role in celebration, it attained a status on par with all the other implied or expected elements of a transaction that go without saying: if they are lacking, we are concerned that one or both of the parties will feel defrauded, and the transaction is void."

"The initiation of the first stage of a Jewish marriage involves a transaction," he explained further, "in which the groom, through the medium of giving the bride an item of value - traditionally, a plain gold ring - assumes responsibility for her welfare, sustenance, and security. But both groom and bride must consent to the transaction for it to have validity, and thus, if there is an implied availability of chocolate associated with the wedding, an expectation created through several generations of chocolate's place of pride among standard celebration elements, then we might be required to assume its absence violates an implied condition of the transaction's - and thus the marriage's - validity."

Rabbi Iczaklatt lamented that, presumably owing to the shame of not wanting to provide chocolate, neither the caterer nor the couple will admit to failing to include chocolate, complicating the task of determining whether there could have been an element of consent to the standards violation.

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Violence Against Us Only Steels Our Resolve, But We Expect Israel To Be Cowed By Violence (PreOccupied Territory)

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Violence Against Us Only Steels Our Resolve, But We Expect Israel To Be Cowed By Violence

by Soubhi Al-Amad, Palestinian fighter

Jenin, June 1 - From Deir Yassin to Gaza, every time the Zionists wield their weapons against us, we use that as motivation to fight harder! On the other hand, the purpose of our attacks is to weaken Zionist morale, and that represents the only possible reaction to our operations.

It has ever been thus. Each time the enemy kills or injures one of us, we sublimate our rage into further resolve, never to be moved from our land, and never to cease our efforts to remove the usurper from all parts of it. The enemy, we expect to run from our violence, and the fact that they most often do not only means we must use more violence. Soon, inshallah, it will work and the foreign interloper will leave Palestine forever.

Of course violence will never force us to leave our homeland! It is our homeland! Not so for the Jews, whose homeland is... well, who cares! Not here, because we said so! Obviously they will leave if we fight them hard enough.

If you want to defeat your enemy, you must understand the way he thinks. Our enemy fails to understand that the harder he hits us, the stronger we stand against him. Whereas the harder we hit our enemy, the more it demoralizes him. This is why we are on the cusp of winning, of driving the accursed Jew invaders out of Palestine, any day now. Only six million to go! Such poetry in that number.

Each time we strike at the heart of the enemy - with rockets, roadside bombs, knives, bullets, cars, grenades, or anything else at our disposal, we drive home the point that he does not belong here, and he fears for his existence! Thus the constant talk of their "Holocaust." Look how scared they are! Just a few more attacks and they will all pack up and leave!

We, obviously, would not react that way, knowing this is our homeland, and will stay here through thick and thin. Except for the millions of refugees from 1948 and 1967, which we must ignore, and the thousands who try to leave every year, for greener pastures, plus the ones in refugee camps who jump at every opportunity to gain citizenship in their host countries rather than wait for glorious return to Palestine.

We are so close. Just keep attacking the Jews, and they will go elsewhere! It has always been thus.

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Raspberries Pointedly Omitted From Biblical List Of Fruits Gracing Promised Land (PreOccupied Territory)

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Plains of Moab, May 18 - In deciding which types of produce to invoke in praising the Land of Canaan before the imminent entry of the Israelites, Moses specifically decided not to mention members of the Rubus Idaeobatus subgenus, which he characterized as repulsive, the prophet acknowledged today.

Part of Moses's farewell address to the people, contained in the developing book of Deuteronomy, touted the land promised to the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob as "A land of wheat, barley, grapevines, fig trees, and pomegranate trees; a land of the oil-olive tree and of honey," the last term of which referred not to the product of the beehive, but of dates. Pointedly, however, Moses refused to mention raspberries, a fruit he finds unremarkable at best, and nauseating at worst.

"Verily, I left out that abomination," he confirmed in an interview following today's portion of the address. "The accursed raspberry may well grow in the land the Lord vowed to grant to the offspring of the Fathers. As doth the mosquito, but we sing not the praises of that foul beast, for similar reasons."

The Man of God admitted that he had requested of the Almighty approval for a passage, however short, denouncing the execrable raspberry in terms analogous to those barring incest, usury, theft, and judicial corruption, among other offenses. "He turned me down," recalled the greatest prophet. "Not the first time. I beseeched him five hundred fifteen times to be allowed into the land after the incident with the rock and the hitting, to no avail. Have to get used to rejection after almost a hundred twenty years."

"I am not overly sour," he continued, "unlike the foul raspberry, which maketh one recoil from its acridity even as it cloyeth the teeth with its repulsive stickiness. Cleave unto the Lord, but not with this monstrosity's adhesive properties. The Lord created all manner of flora and fauna with purposes other than human consumption, such as the coelacanth and the raspberry. Cursed is the man who treateth the raspberry as food."

The people were no longer present to declare, "Amen," having retired to their tents for the evening.

Moses noted that although the Lord has barred him from explicit invocation of his distaste for raspberries, the Almighty has not, technically, prohibited His prophet from conveying to his successor Joshua, under the Deuteronomical table, an admonition to wipe out all raspberries from the land once the people begin its conquest, not leaving a single bush alive.

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Our Lame Response To Zionist Aggression Will Come At A Time And Place Of Our Choosing by Palestinian Islamic Jihad (PreOccupied Territory)

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Gaza City, May 11 - The brutal crimes of the Zionists will not go unanswered. Their cowardly targeting of our personnel and their families this past week deserves retaliation for which the enemy will not be prepared: we will follow our own timing and considerations when we offer our pathetic, underwhelming justice.

We will avenge the deaths of the martyrs Khalil Bahitini, Tarek Azaldin, and Jahed Ahman at a time we choose, in a manner that we determine, which will of course have no effect on anything except maybe scare some people and, who knows break some windows? Hit a rocky hillside?

We must how the enemy that his evil provocation will not go unanswered. Our answer will come at our discretion, on our timetable, not when the enemy expects and not when so-called "rules" or precedents dictate. Our answer, in the form of inaccurate rockets, abortive shootings, ineffective bombs, or impotent stabbing attempts, will hit them when they have become complacent, no longer anticipating such a bold display of weakness.

We will watch the enemy cower in fear as our missiles miss their targets. We will read of hundreds of thousands of Zionist usurpers trudging in annoyance to shelters as Iron Dome downs any missile that would hit a populated area. The minor inconvenience we will cause will avenge the deaths of our holy martyrs, and will finally free Palestine!

That last part might take some time.

But we have patience, patience the enemy does not have. The enemy rushed to kill our martyrs, not like our long game strategy, which relies on the accumulation of dead children we have placed in harm's way to fight the cognitive war against the Zionists. We can pick our moment. Our day and hour to wreak vengeance, our wispy, flimsy vengeance.

The cause of Palestine will always rally the Islamic world to our side. Except for the growing number of countries normalizing with the Zionist entity. Obviously not those. But the others! The ones who will normalize sooner or later. Our cause is universal and pan-Arab! This is why we get funding only from non-Arab Iran. it is why we are ever-closer to realizing the dream of a free Palestine. You wouldn't know it from looking at a map, or data on the defense and economic robustness of the Zionist entity, contrasted with the despicable, self-inflicted misery of Palestinians, but it is ever-closer!

Just like our useless revenge. Allahu Akbar!

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