Thursday, April 23, 2026
Elder of Ziyon
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Jerusalem, April 23 - A local family has taken drastic measures to preserve its peace and quiet, neighbors reported today, amid a stream of unsolicited dinnertime and bedtime visits from people going door-to-door to collect for charitable causes: if the visitor fails to take the hint and leave after receiving no answer, or shows up a second time despite a previous rebuff, the head of the family enters a code into the security system that opens a panel beneath the solicitor's feet and sends him into a dungeon.
The neighbors, who spoke on condition of anonymity, described the innovation as a last resort after years of polite hints falling on deaf ears. Sources close to the family say the final straw came when a collector for an indigent pair of would-be newlyweds refused to accept "no" for an answer, launching into an extended monologue about starving Torah scholars and orphaned children while the homeowner's dinner grew cold on the table.
A relative noted the family had long been identified as a "prime target" on informal networks shared among door-to-door solicitors. "They swap addresses like baseball cards," explained one cousin who asked not to be named. "Once word gets around that someone actually opens the door and listens for more than thirty seconds, you're marked. The good targets get visits from everyone — from the widows-and-orphans people to the ones collecting for 'emergency' medical equipment in places you've never heard of, to the support-this-promising-young-scholar-who-chooses-not-to-work."
Some in the community expressed concern over the new security feature, warning that it could set a dangerous precedent. "This kind of escalation hurts everyone," said a veteran schnorrer who claimed decades of experience. "We're just trying to engage people's empathy and generosity. A simple 'maybe next time' would suffice. Instead, now we have to worry about falling into dungeons? Where's the tzedakah in that?"
"Hmm," he wondered. "We can probably leverage this to collect for pidyon sh'vuyim," the redemption of captives.
The homeowner remains unapologetic. "They come during bedtime stories, during conference calls, during the one hour a week we actually sit down as a family," he told reporters. "They've got clipboards, sob stories, books they want to 'sell' and that disappointed look when you hesitate — like you're personally responsible for the downfall of Jewish education or whatever cause they're pushing that week. And thanks to their little address-sharing WhatsApp groups or whatever they use, once you're on the list, it's relentless."
Local police have so far declined to intervene, noting that no complaints have been filed by the affected solicitors, nor any Missing Persons reports issued. "Technically it's his property," said one officer with a shrug. "And honestly, after hearing some of these stories, we're not rushing to investigate."
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