Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

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Thursday, November 14, 2024

Iran To Protect Navy, Oil From Israeli Strikes By Sinking Them Underwater (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Bandar Abbas, November 17 - Escalating strikes between the Islamic Republic of Iran and Israel have leaders of the former worried about the vulnerability of its military and merchant vessels, a weak point in the regime's economic security, and as a result they have given preliminary approval to a plan that will send those vessels to the bottom of the Persian Gulf to prevent Israeli airstrikes or cruise missiles from hitting them, sources in Tehran reported today.

The Islamic Republic's continued support for various terrorist militias around the Jewish state, plus its own multiple ballistic and cruise missile attacks, prompted several Israeli reprisals and preemptive operations, the latest of which neutralized Iran's air defense systems, among other strategic targets, rendering sensitive and precarious pieces of the regime's strategic assets only one airstrike or other attack away from destruction or severe damage. Among those assets are elements of Iran's nuclear weapons program and the country's oil export facilities. Tehran will likely send those tankers and a number of both dockside and floating facilities to the sea bed, out of reach of Israeli bombs, missiles, or drones.

"Underwater environments wreak havoc with missile guidance systems," explained Iranian military expert Ayeet Mehrd. "Even pilots attempting to sight their targets visually cannot do so if the target lies below a certain depth. It makes obvious sense to protect whatever Iran can by sinking it in the Persian Gulf preemptively."

Analysts compared the move to siting important military installations or positions underground. "We know that tunnels and underground facilities are a staple of Iran and its proxies in the region," noted Mideast commentator Ahopyu Draoun. "Recent reports even have the Khamenei regime digging tunnels in Tehran itself. The principle for the maritime and naval assets is the same, but without all the digging."

Draoun also noted some potential pitfalls of the move. "Israel has a navy and even submarines," he observed. "Iran's defensive capabilities in that area are... less than impressive. Still, an Israeli operation all the way around the Arabian Peninsula, beyond the Strait of Hormuz, to hit those now-underwater targets, and back again, probably exceeds Israeli naval capabilities. Probably."

The Iranian sources further disclosed that the senior leadership of the regime had begun to lean in the direction of the submerging of the assets rather than a rival proposal involving the movement of the tankers into the interior of the country where Israeli naval assets could not reach them.

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More and more EoZ cartoons

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Hezbollah Fans Upset At Wrong Side Involving Mosques In Fight (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Beirut, November 7 - Supporters of the Iran-backed Shiite militia exercising political control of Lebanon and forcing the country into armed conflict with Israel railed again today against the Jewish State for deploying munitions in or against Muslim houses of worship, arguing that only one party is permitted to violate the sanctity of such sites for military purposes, while the other, Jewish one must refrain from acting against any military personnel, materiel, or facilities there.

Hezbollah advocates issued further criticism today of IDF operations to destroy structures in southern Lebanon that form part of Hezbollah's military infrastructure. They called the demolitions, which targeted all structures regardless of their pre-conflict use, a violation of the sanctity of the mosques, in which Hezbollah should be permitted to continue locating their positions, tunnel entrances, weapons caches, and other resources.

"The Zionist Entity continues to violate everything sacred by involving mosques in the fighting," declared Mustafa Massiqr of the city's Dahiyeh neighborhood, a Hezbollah stronghold. "Islamic houses of worship are strictly reserved for prayer, study, some community activities, and serving as missile-launching sites or assembly points for our brave fighters."

"The world must condemn the Zionists, but it is only their American backers who make this possible!" charged Massiqr. "This phenomenon, of foreign bankrolling and arming of a malign entity in the region, is illegitimate and must be stopped," added the enthusiastic supporter of Iran bankrolling, arming, and training Hezbollah, Hamas, Ansar Allah, and various Iraqi militias for its own hegemonic ends.

Human rights organizations and international humanitarian organizations echoed Massiqr's position. "Israel has demonstrated again and again its disregard for the hors de combat status of houses of worship," stated former director of Human Rights Watch Ken Roth. "As if the allegation that someone else had made such a facility a military site can justify atrocities. We saw it in Gaza, as well: Israel thinks armed groups supposedly taking up position in a hospital makes that hospital a legitimate military target. As if we apply such provisions to Israel. Everyone knows we don't."

UNIFIL troops similarly noted that Hezbollah's buildup around the UN peacekeeping force's positions deserved no comment or criticism, whereas Israel's attempts to get the UNIFIL troops out of the way in order to target Hezbollah positions was inexcusable. "Outrageous," declared the head of the Irish unit. "Israel can't just do what its enemies do."

That phenomenon parallels the one in which only Israeli retaliatory action attracts characterization as "escalation."

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Amid Tight Michigan Race, Harris Promises To Add Nasrallah To Mt. Rushmore (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Dearborn, October 31 - The Democratic Party nominee for the presidency made further efforts this week to maintain an edge with Muslim voters in this crucial swing state, with a campaign statement today that, if elected, she will commission a likeness of the recently-eliminated leader of Hezbollah alongside those of four iconic US presidents in South Dakota.

The Kamala Harris for President organization issued a statement via X and several other online media to the effect that Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah, whom Israel assassinated in a targeted airstrike on his Beirut bunker just over a month ago, deserves to have his face commemorated and venerated next to those of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt.

The X post also contained a short video clip of Harris attempting a Lebanese Arabic accent as she sang the praises of "Sayed Nasrallah" and the hope he brought to millions of Shiite Muslims.

Polls have Harris and Republican candidate Donald Trump at a statistical dead heat in several swing states. Both candidates and parties have made overtures to the American Muslim communities, especially in this area of Michigan, a stronghold of the demographic. Trump campaigned there last week, securing an endorsement from one prominent community leader, though the extent of that leader's influence remains open to debate. Muslim Americans have favored the Democratic Party, by and large, for at least two decades, especially after 9/11 and its aftermath, when a GOP administration held power.

Recent dissatisfaction among vocal elements of the community regarding what they view as the Biden-Harris administration's insufficient response to Palestinian suffering in the Gaza Strip has led to numerous threats not to vote for Harris in the election - despite her rival having moved the US Embassy to Jerusalem, recognized the city as the capital of the Jewish State, acknowledged the legitimacy of Israeli settlement in territories the Palestinians claim, and brokered regional peace deals that sidelined the Palestinian issue, when he held the office from 2017 to 2021.

The impact of Harris's Rushmore promise remains unclear. Her choice of Nasrallah over, for example, the more-recently-slain Yahya Sinwar, leader of Hamas in Gaza, an actual Palestinian and not merely the head of an Iranian proxy militia, has raised eyebrows among both Muslims and political analysts.

A campaign spokesman explained that they had originally decided to promise a likeness of Sinwar, but selected Nasrallah instead when engineers warned them that the size of his ears would render an accurate reproduction impossible.

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New batch of EoZ cartoons

Slowly catching up...

(made before Sinwar added to the list)

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Newest batch of EoZ cartoons

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Israeli Left, Bleeding Support, Sees New Voters In Captured Hamas Fighters (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Israeli Left, Bleeding Support, Sees New Voters In Captured Hamas Fighters

Tel Aviv, September 26 - The shrinking contingent of the politically-progressive sector of the electorate in the country hopes to combat its diminishing prospects of ever holding power again, banking on a plan to replace their long-gone contingency with imprisoned terrorists taken in and around the Gaza Strip since October 7 of last year, a spokeswoman for one of the parties disclosed today.

Leaders of the once-mighty Labor Party - now a fraction of its former self - and its counterpart in The Democrats, Meretz, hit on the notion several weeks ago as survey after survey indicated that despite widespread distaste for incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and his bare-majority, narrow-right-wing coalition, and its failure to anticipate and prevent the current war, the Labor-Meretz odds of ever holding significant political influence in national elected office grow ever longer, amid broad public acknowledgment that the flagship enterprise of the Left, which involves generous concession to Palestinian ambitions, has resulted not in peace, but in increased terrorism and barbarism by Palestinian terror groups.

That last element gave The Democrats leaders an idea: why not harness the Palestinian vote?

"Obviously the Palestinians in Gaza and the West Bank can't vote," explained Yair Golan, a former IDF Deputy Chief of Staff and the party leader. "But we do have plenty of them in prison, and I don't see them being allowed back home anytime soon, certainly not while the fighting still rages. All we have to do is get the Supreme Court, which has the same ideas as we do, to grant them citizenship. Shouldn't take too much. At least our kind still controls that institution."

Party insiders acknowledged that appealing to Israelis - even to Israeli Arabs - has no chance of returning the Left to power. "Even Meretz on its own, as far left as it was, couldn't attract the Arab vote," recalled former Meretz chief Zehava Gal-On. "We were still nominally Zionist, even if we had a self-defeating definition of the term. That was too much for most Arab voters, who, if they voted at all, generally preferred their own parties. We made overtures to them repeatedly, especially as Jewish Israelis increasingly rejected our delusions of peace breaking out, to little avail. There's even less chance that as a joint endeavor with Labor, which built and expanded the whole Zionist enterprise for the first four decades of the state's existence, we could make a successful appeal to that ambivalent demographic."

"Imprisoned Palestinian terrorist it is," she concluded.

Buy the EoZ book, PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism today at Amazon!

Or order from your favorite bookseller, using ISBN 9798985708424.

Read all about it here!