Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, July 17, 2025

No One Ever Hacks MY Social Media Account To Post Antisemitism by Eeyore (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Hundred Acre Wood, July 20 - Oh, bother.

It’s me, Eeyore, trudging through my dreary little patch of the Hundred Acre Wood, tail barely hanging on as always. I heard about poor Elmo’s X account getting hijacked the other day—some awful folks used it to spout a stream of hateful, antisemitic nonsense. Just terrible, that. Made me sit here, under my usual gray cloud, thinking. Nobody’d ever bother taking over my X account for something like that.

Nope. Not Eeyore’s. Why would they? My account’s as dull as a thistle patch in winter. If I even bothered posting, it’d just be me mumbling about a lost tail or staring at a muddy puddle. “Sky’s gray again. Figures,” I’d write, and maybe get a pity-like from Piglet, if he’s feeling extra kind. Nobody notices Eeyore’s posts. They’re all too busy with Pooh’s honey obsession or Tigger’s bouncing antics. My X account’s a forgotten corner of the internet, just like my Gloomy Place. No one’s clamoring to steal it. Too much effort for too little gain.

I suppose it’s just my lot. Elmo’s all bright and cheerful, loved by everyone, so of course someone’d want to mess with his account. Me? I’m just… Eeyore. Not worth the trouble. If someone did hack my account, they’d probably give it back out of boredom. “Here’s your sad little page, donkey,” they’d say. “Couldn’t even get a rise out of anyone.” Can’t say I’d blame them. My posts wouldn’t exactly stir up a storm. Maybe a drizzle, at best.

It’s not that I want someone to hijack my account, mind you. I’d rather they didn’t. Just saying it’s unlikely. Who’d care enough to bother with old Eeyore? I’m not the sort anyone notices, let alone targets for something so spiteful. Maybe that’s a blessing, in its own way. Still, it stings a bit, knowing I’m not even worth a villain’s time. Oh, well. Suppose I’ll just keep plodding along, tail or no tail, posting about the rain and hoping someone, someday, might care enough to comment. Probably won’t, though. That’s just how it goes for me.

Must be the Jews' fault.

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"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Israeli Of 100% Yemeni Jewish Heritage Excited To Be Classified As "Polish" By Anti-Zionists (PreOccupied Teritory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook and Substack pages.

Moshav Bareket, July 10 - A resident of this central Israeli community whose grandparents came to the country in 1950 from Yemen, and who traces his ancestry on both sides to the Jews of that southern Arabian kingdom, today admitted feeling a thrill that loud people who hate the Jewish State have categorized him and his entire family as Eastern European settler-colonialists.

Yefet Uzziel, 40, told a reporter yesterday that he plans to apply for a Polish passport, now that people who obviously know their stuff have classified him as such.

"Polish has Europe's fastest-growing economy," he explained. "They don't tolerate woke nonsense the way Western European societies do, and they're really, really good at restricting illegal immigration. On top of that, they're just as suspicious of Putin as I am, and they respect the same wholesome family values as the ones with which my parents raised me, and with which I try to raise my own children."

Uzziel made the remarks after encountering keyboard warriors who urged Israeli Jews to "Go back to Poland" and called Jews "Khazarian imposters." Those epithets prompted him to rethink his assumptions that his unadulterated Yemeni Jewish extraction meant anything.

"Anti-Zionists are among the most intelligent and educated people," he noted. "And the most moral. I almost forgot to include that. If they call Israeli Jews Poles, we'd best listen. Anti-Zionists are never wrong. So next week, or as soon as I can mange, I'm making an appointment in Tel Aviv at the Polish embassy to start processing my paperwork."

"What do you think? Warsaw? Krakow? Torun?" Uzziel mused. "I can see the benefits of the cities, but I also hear the Polish countryside is beautiful and bucolic. Might have to make a pilot trip."

Uzziel is hardly alone in exploring that avenue in the wake of anti-Zionists exposing the Khazarian truth of Jewish origins. Shlomo Aflallo, who came to Israel from Ethiopia as a child in the 1980's, hopes to secure Ukrainian citizenship.

"I'm a Khazar," he insisted, pointing to a post on social media by a pro-Palestinian activist. "I've been lied to my whole life, and I want to do the right thing. Ignore my melanin. I'm as Eastern European as they come. Jews aren't Jews. Palestinians are the real Jews. Look at all the Jewish traditions and culture they've preserved since ancient times. really, I don't know what any of us were thinking all those generations, longing for a place we'd never been in, unlike fourth-generation Palestine Refugees in camps in Lebanon."

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"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

EoZ cartoons from May (I need to catch up....)

I'm way behind on posting my cartoons. Here are the ones from May:

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"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

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Desperate Pro-Hamas Propagandists Resort To Looney Tunes Clips As Evidence Of IDF Atrocities (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Desperate Pro-Hamas Propagandists Resort To Looney Tunes Clips As Evidence Of IDF Atrocities

Gaza City, July 3 - The failure to date of online activists and Pallywood content creators to sway the right decision-makers into forcing Israel to stop its creeping takeover of the Gaza Strip to neutralize Islamist terrorists and secure the release of hostages in those terrorists' hands since October 2023 have changed tactics, no longer relying solely on badly-acted, over-the-top fake videos to libel the Israeli military; now they have added to their content production animated shorts lifted from classic cartoons and other productions, recaptioned in the hopes that viewers will accept that, for example, Wile E. Coyote works for the IDF and paints realistic holes on walls into which Palestinian children then crash their bicycles.

Online observers began noticing the trend last week. "It seems to be just a logical extension of some of the cartoonish accusations they fling at Israel," explained media commentator Hugh Shiddenme. "It began subtly, with simple fabrications of atrocities, such as targeting hospitals, massacring people gathered for humanitarian aid, that kind of thing. But that wasn't working, so the propagandists felt forced to produce more outlandish accusations. Thus, just in the last couple of weeks, allegations that Israel was poisoning flour delivered to Gaza by putting in opioid pills. There were even photo of pills surrounded by flour. Hey, if THAT doesn't convince you..."

"Well," he continued, the accusers neglected to consider that any poisoner worth his salt would have ground up the pills into the flour. But the caricature they have of Jews and Israelis shuts down any critical thinking. It wasn't much more of a logical leap to the next accusation to make the rounds, that of Israel baiting Gazans with packages of sugar in shallow depressions, then burying anyone who took the bait, using armored bulldozers. Because, you know, the most efficient way to kill a nation - this is supposed to be a genocide, right? - is Rube Goldberg setups. From there, Looney Tunes clips are the next logical step, because it provides actual video, uh, evidence, of what the Hamas fans have been saying."

The new tactic has yet to yield significant results, activists acknowledge, though no detailed examination of public opinion has compared the "before" and "after" figures. Experts cautioned that rampant antisemitism around the world seems not to have any direct correlation with the quality or volume of the video productions in question.

The activists explained that skepticism of the Looney Tunes documentary evidence only proves you're a Zionist and a genocide supporter.

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Hezbollah Money Woes Continues As Internal Needs Cut Exports Of Copium (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook and Substack pages.

Beirut, June 26 - The Islamist Shiite militia that once exercised effective control of Lebanon on behalf of its masters in Tehran continue to suffer financial woes, observers reported today, as not only have infusions of cash and equipment from Iran almost disappeared in the last year, but the organization's own revenue-generating enterprise of trafficking in the drug copium has suffered as well, given the group's desperation for a substance that will help them stay committed amidst absolute Israeli dominance of the battle space and the shattering of any illusions that they can even remain relevant in postwar Lebanon, let alone give Israel anything more than a pathetic fight.

Hezbollah's drug-selling operations have, until recently, provided significant funding tor the group's operations and "social services" to loyalists in Lebanon, as well as its violent activities targeting both Israel and Lebanese dissenters. But with the rapid collapse of Iran's proxies and the decimation of its own military and nuclear capabilities by Israel and the United States, Hezbollah - once Iran's most powerful proxy and the most serious threat to Israel until the laughably one-sided Israeli victory against them last year - must now use its own supply of copium instead of exporting it. The unavailability of copium for export deprives Hezbollah of critical revenue to fund its other existential "resistance" functions.

Hezbollah members and supporters have consumed copium in large quantities since "Operation Grim Beeper" last year when Israel detonated the group's pagers, which had been bought specifically to bypass advanced Israeli espionage tech - except that the company that sold the devices was an Israeli front. The resulting carnage crippled Hezbollah's senior and mid-level chains of command and rendered them unable to carry out any significant operations except for launching rockets at Israeli towns - and resulting eventually in a humiliating ceasefire agreement that demanded Hezbollah withdraw its forces away from regions bordering Israel. In the meantime, Israel repeatedly decapitated the organization's leadership in airstrikes and precise intelligence showcasing how thoroughly the Jewish State had penetrated it.

Hezbollah's collapse led in turn to the fall of Syrian dictator Basher Assad, another Iran client, whose successor has cracked down on Iranian supply to Hezbollah, further weakening the Shiite militia. During the most recent Iran-Israel war, Hezbollah refused an order by Tehran to attack Israel, fearing its own complete destruction. These and other disastrous developments for the Axis of Resistance - including the smashing of Hamas and Islamic Jihad in the Gaza Strip - have sent domestic demand for copium skyrocketing and leaving none for export.

Hezbollah supporters on US college campuses assured a reporter it was all part of a plan to lull Israel into complacency and destroy it, which would work this time, unlike the other thirteen times it failed.

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Solomon Admits 'Futility Of Futilities' Punchier But Less Evocative Than 'Knesset Bloviation' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook and Substack pages.

Jerusalem, June 6 - The author of a profound, dark Biblical philosophical work admitted today that he made painful compromises in the composition of his signature work, chief among them a choice of wording that, while necessary to preserve readability and poetic rhythm, fails to convey the full force of uselessness that could have been carried instead by invoking people speechifying in Israel's parliament.

King Solomon, one of whose masterpieces includes the book of Ecclesiastes, with its famous refrain, "All is futility" - rendered in more archaic translations as "vanity" - lamented the necessity he felt in writing the book to sacrifice evocative depth for the sake of readability. Specifically, he pointed to the opening rhetorical salvo, havel havalim, "Futility of futilities," as an excellent, alliterative, memorable phrase that nevertheless falls short in evocative force compared to the imagery Solomon aimed to use, but "Knesset bloviations of Knesset bloviations" rolls off the tongue or quill with a distinct lack of smoothness.

"It's a shame," the king reflected. "All growth and creation in this world involve sacrifice and pain. You would know that if you studied my book, which extensively explores the phenomenon."

He then turned circumspect. "I should have expected things not to turn out perfect," he acknowledged. "Considering the focus of this book is an extended reflection on how nothing good ever lasts, and that even good things go unappreciated, so just relish the quotidian, precious little things if you want joy, however fleeting it may be, well - expecting a different outcome calls to mind someone foolish enough to keep electing corrupt narcissists to Knesset and then expressing disgust at the results."

The futility of politics gets no specific or deep treatment in Ecclesiastes, but Solomon's father David had his own documented encounter with politics complex enough for insanity to become relevant: when fleeing King Saul, David sought refuge in the Philistine city-state of Gath - when the Philistines had no affection for any Israelites, let alone the very man who had given them so much trouble in battle. David therefore drooled and wrote nonsense on the walls, prompting King Akhish to lambaste his men: "Do I lack lunatics that you bring this one to me as well?!"

"I couldn't be that explicitly sardonic in a hoity-toity philosophical work," he conceded. "Certainly not one that I composed with divine inspiration. A prophet chastising the people can get vicious and sarcastic. Not me. But I can point to a few legislators who could give the prophets a lesson or two on that kind of rhetoric."

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Trump Criticism Of Industry Full Of Jews Puts Anti-Trump Antisemites In Bind (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook and Substack pages.

Washington, May 29 - Jew-hating opponents of the sitting US President have found themselves facing a dilemma over the last several weeks, activists acknowledged today, now that the chief executive has chosen as a target the film industry, a bastion symbolic to them of the very people they purport to exert malignant control over that industry, placing those Jew-haters on the same side of an issue as the hated president.

Advocates of conspiracy theories that allege Jewish domination of Hollywood who also despise Donald Trump must now decide which of those enemies they see as more dangerous: whether to seize the opportunity to speak up in defense of an industry that actually pushes the progressive agenda effectively, or to exploit Trump's criticism to score points against the Jews.

The activists gave token acknowledgement to the existence of a third possibility: to say nothing. Staying quiet, however, has never represented a serious course of action in their behavior.

"Structurally, it's a familiar dilemma for anyone who dislikes Trump," explained Whoopi Goldberg, who by her own admission changed her birth name Caryn Elaine Johnson to sound more Jewish as a way to, she thought, give her better entrée in the entertainment industry. "He often gets us on the left to reflexively yell our opposition to whatever he's pushing, and that's gotten us in to some uncomfortable places: defending criminals, rapists, and violent thugs just because Trump doesn't like them. Voters see that, and we're unable to take advantage of his unpopularity because our reactions make us look like the crazy ones."

"Well, I'm not so sure about what to do now," Goldberg continued. "On one hand, it looks like there's a rising tide of legitimacy for opposition to Jews, which doesn't happen every decade in America. On the other, we've talked up the existential fascist threat of Trump so much that to suddenly agree with him seems not only jarringly out of character; it makes us look like hypocrites. I mean, that's par for the course in our line of work, but it's just more glaring this time."

The challenge, explained podcaster Hasan Piker, lies in the pattern: Trump has a knack for zeroing in on "eighty-twenty" issues, issues firmly in the American electorate's consensus, and taking a proud stance on the side of the eighty percent - and the Democrats and Democratic Party allies follow their knee-jerk reaction: characterizing as evil and destructive whatever the hated Trump supports, establishing them by default in the minority and keeping their poll numbers even lower than Trump's abysmal ratings.

"It's the Jews' fault this is happening, obviously," realized Piker.

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Israeli Supreme Court Orders Government To Cede Seat On Judge-Selection Committee To Hamas (PreOccupied Teritory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook and Substack pages.

Jerusalem, May 25 - Israel's highest judicial body continued its arrogation of powers today by instructing Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu to replace his administration's representative on the panel that votes in new justices to that judicial body with one from the Islamist group that controls most of the Gaza Strip, because the group needs representation in choosing candidates to serve on the body that now de facto governs both Israel and Gaza.

The Supreme Court ordered the change today in response to a petition from The Movement for Quality Governance, which pointed out that, given that the Palestinians living under the dictatorial Hamas regime in the Gaza Strip do not have functional representation even in their own government, and that, given the paternalistic, racism-of-low-expectations approach of the ideology governing the Court for the last thirty years, it is only fair to put Hamas on the committee that selects judges for the Supreme Court, which, unlike lower courts, rules on cases affecting Israel's conduct of war and its administration of areas under military control.

Analysts also see the move as a swipe at the Netanyahu government, which attempted in 2023 to overhaul the judicial system to limit the purview of the Supreme Court, which, in the view of many conservatives, had gradually arrogated for itself powers that formally belong to the legislature and the executive. Critics of the Netanyahu reform package saw a threat to the independence of the judiciary. Now the government will have once less voice and vote on the selection committee, which the judicial establishment already controls in effect: the majority of its slots are allotted to protégées of the sitting justices in the Israel Bar Association, or to the justices themselves.

Practical hurdles remain: logistical, legal, procedural, and security issues all stand in the way of implementing the ruling. MQG representatives have already asked the Court for clarification on the requirement that a Hamas delegate sit on the committee, considering those hurdles, and proposed that, at least as a temporary measure, the Bar Association or MQG itself provide the missing delegate, lest the government try to maintain its hold on the committee seat until a suitable Hamas member can be brought in.

Other complications include how the Hamas representative will be selected, given the lack of democratic norms under Hamas rule and in Hamas's own ranks. On that point, the MQG proposal leaves it to the Court's discretion, but suggests selecting from among Hamas personnel already in Israeli custody, if only for convenience.

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

Gaza Is An Open-Air Prison. How Dare You Suggest Anyone Leave! by Mehdi Hasan (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Gaza Is An Open-Air Prison. How Dare You Suggest Anyone Leave!

by Mehdi Hasan

Doha, May 16 - The images out of Jabaliya, Khan Yunis, Rafah, and Shuja'iyyah are horrific. Israel has brutally destroyed all the grandeur and rich life in the place everyone was calling the world's largest concentration camp - and now they and Trump think the Palestinians there should go somewhere else? Ridiculous and evil.

There is nowhere as beautiful as their homeland! How dare you encourage them to leave a place they claim to want to be in only temporarily because they're refugees from what's now Israel! Look at the paradise Israel destroyed, the one my fellow Qatar-backed voices deemed an open-air prison out of which Gazans broke out on October 7? Please, be consistent.

All open-air prisons get free electricity, international humanitarian aid, and infusions of Qatari cash. Well, I also get infusions of Qatari cash, but that just goes to show it's not a particularly remarkable phenomenon.

Encouraging Gaza residents to leave smacks of ethnic cleansing. Not like when Israel took all of its Jews out of Gaza in 2005 by force. That we call something else, because they didn't belong there. As opposed to the Palestinians who are there because they left other parts of Palestine, which means they don't belong in Gaza, either, for whom it would qualify as ethnic cleansing.

Also not like what Palestinians have declared they aim to do to the Jews everywhere in historic Palestine. Ethnic cleansing is something only happens to non-Jews. The Jews displaced from the Etzion Bloc of kibbutzim, or from Jerusalem's old city, in 1948, don't count. Or the ones expelled from Arab countries over the ensuing decades. But I digress.

They're starving in Gaza! Genocide! Humanitarian disaster! And we must KEEP them there.

Did I mention the genocide? By agreement with the Emir, I have to use the term in reference to Israel and Gaza at least four times a day. Hasn't been much of a problem keeping that provision of the contract. Definitely running a surplus. But I have to show His Excellency that I care, beyond mere adherence to the terms of the agreement.

Genocide genocide genocide genocide!

STOP TALKING ABOUT GETTING PALESTINIANS AWAY FROM A GENOCIDE, YOU MONSTERS.

Besides, you can't just move more than two million people. Unless they're Jews being banished from Palestine, because all seven and a half million must leave. If they don't want to leave, they can live as an underclass under Islamic supremacy, or die.

This is the humane attitude to the situation.

Buy EoZ's books on Amazon!

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)