From Puppies to War Crimes: Israel News from 2026 (barely satire) ~ Elder Of Ziyon

Thursday, August 21, 2025

From Puppies to War Crimes: Israel News from 2026 (barely satire)

Jerusalem Post, March 15, 2026

In an effort to combat loneliness among elderly citizens, the Israeli Ministry of Health announced the 'Golden Years Companion Program' today, providing rescued puppies to senior citizens, including Holocaust survivors. 'Studies consistently show that pet ownership reduces depression and increases longevity,' said Health Minister Dr. Sarah Cohen. 'These beautiful animals deserve homes, and our elders deserve companionship.'"

Twitter, March 15th, 3:47 PM:

@MiddleEastWatch: "Convenient timing for Israel to announce a feel-good puppy story while the Palestinian issue festers continues. Classic distraction tactics. #PuppyWashing"

Retweets: 1,247

Al-Jazeera, March 16th

Experts Warn: Israel's 'Puppy Program' May Have Darker Purpose

While presented as a humanitarian gesture, sources suggest these animals may be part of a broader security apparatus. "We've documented cases of dogs being weaponized by settlers,' claims activist Mahmoud Al-Rashid. "What starts as companionship training could easily become training vicious animals to attack Palestinians. It's happened before with wild boars."

New York Times, March 18:

A controversial new program, purportedly to give animal companionship to senior citizens in Israel, has been condemned by Palestinian officials as violent and Islamophobic.

"This is canine apartheid," declared presidential advisor Jibril Rajoub. "The animals are being raised and groomed at attack innocent Palestinian children, of this there is no doubt."

Eight year old Fatima Awda is fearful of dogs. "She cannot sleep at night since I told her about the vicious dog program," says her mother Aisha.

Israeli officials dismissed the critics. "That's the dumbest thin gI ever heard," said Israel's health minister Dr. Sara Cohen, who announced the scheme earlier this week.

Yet Dr. Priscillas Thornfield, professor of Middle East Studies at University of Illinois, called the program "clearly Islamophobic."

"Dogs are considered unclean animals in Islam and as far as I can tell, Israel did not coordinate this announcement with Islamic religious leaders."

Some Israeli settlers are known to own dogs.

TikTok, March 20th

A grainy video shows an elderly man with a small cut on his hand. Caption: "ISRAELI ATTACK DOG PROGRAM ALREADY CAUSING INJURIES."

Views: 2.3M

X, March 21

@Israelidude: "That man is my neighbor. He cut himself opening up a can of dog food. He loves Fluffy."

Views: 67

Politico, March 23

A Dearborn, MI city council member may lose her primary election after her opponent, Ahmad al-Masri, accused her of being a Zionist because her campaign website did not condemn the Israeli Canine Apartheid plan.

"Of course I am against canine apartheid!" emphasized incumbent Amy O'Neill (D).. "I just didn't get a chance to update my site yet!"

Al-Masri countered, "If Amy cannot keep up on important matters like this, how can we expect her to help run Dearborn?"

UN Press Release, March 25

The UN General Assembly voted 178-4 to to condemn Israel's systematic use of domesticated animals as tools of psychological warfare against Palestinian populations. The resolution calls for immediate suspension of all canine-related programs and called the plan a "threat to regional peace and security."

Amnesty International, March 27:

Our comprehensive 137-page report, "Wolves in Sheep's Clothing," describes how Israel has weaponized dogs against Palestinians. Our experts have found:

* Over 80% of all dogs in Israel are owned by Jews, proving their concept of Jewish supremacy.

* The IDF has an entire unit dedicated to training military dogs.

* Cute puppies sometimes grow up to become vicious animals.

* While there is some evidence that a small number of seniors can benefit from animal companionship, Israel chose dogs because Islam considers them unclean.

Amnesty's director said that any program to promote dog ownership in Israel is a war crime, a violation of the UN Charter and a crime against humanity.

Electronic Intifada, March 28:

We must boycott dogs. Whether we like it or not, dogs are now linked to Zionism and genocide. It is ironic that the same people who were terrorized by dogs in the SS under the Nazi regime are now promoting Jews to own dogs. What more proof do you need that Zionism is antisemitism?

MSNOW, March 29:

President Donald Trump refused to condemn the controversial Israeli program to raise vicious dogs to attack Palestinians. "I don't understand what people are upset about," Trump said at a news conference. "It sounds like a good program for seniors. I never owned a dog myself but why shouldn't others be allowed to?"

Rep. Rashida Tlaib blasted the president, saying that this is just more evidence that he is an Islamophobic hater of Palestinians. "We shouldn't be surprised that he supports these tools of settler-colonialist oppression," she said. "But every decent person should oppose Donald Trump and his Zionist funders."

Epilogue: Six months later, a quiet news brief mentions that 47 elderly Israelis report significantly improved mental health outcomes from their new pets, one one of them was rescued when her dog barked to get help when she fell.

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