Thursday, October 19, 2023
Elder of Ziyon
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Hades, October 18- The infernal official who oversees the postmortem punishment of unrepentant sinners voiced his continued exasperation today upon the registration of a new batch of Palestinian terrorists that Israeli forces killed over the last several days, as he lamented his mistaken assumption that he had already completed handling of Nazis in large numbers almost eighty years ago, and was not pleased to discover them still operating on Earth.
The Devil told numerous demons today for at least the fifth time in the last twenty-four hours that he had had quite enough of Nazis as of 1945 already, and that the incoming waves of their ideological successors in the form of Hamas terrorists and their abettors have reopened a chapter in the history of Perdition that the Prince of Darkness would rather leave behind.
"These guys again?" Satan was heard to remark. "I thought I was finished with groups of them when the Second World War ended. But they keep showing up here all these decades later. You have to be kidding me."
Denizens of the netherworld recalled an upset Lucifer telephoning the LORD for clarification, then slamming down the receiver when the Almighty informed him of the ongoing Hamas-Israel conflict.
"Bastards," he whispered. "Goddamn bastards."
The Devil shook his head clear. "Time to get to work," he barked at various minions, who began shoveling burning feces into every orifice of the terrified ex-Hamas operatives, as their own little-girl shrieks of horror and pain were played back in their ears at 130 decibels and all their humiliating moments shown on big screens, to the delighted jeers of demons who looked exactly like the people the new arrivals hated most while alive.
Even as the work on the new arrivals proceeded, Satan ordered the drafting of a communique to God, inquiring as to any forecasted end to the distasteful work of handling and processing Nazi-Hamas personnel, and beseeching the Creator for some respite.
"As You know, even I have a limited capacity for this kind of work," the Devil dictated to a demon. "I cannot and do not refuse to do even an iota of the sacred assignment with which You have entrusted me. But I nevertheless wish to express my dismay and frustration that the darkest, most intense period of my reign here in Hell comes to an end not with the large-scale deaths of Nazis many years ago, but at some unknown future date, when Hamas, its allies, and sponsors finally meet their ends. Please take into consideration my feelings in Your administration of mortal affairs so that the date in question comes sooner, rather than later."
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