Thursday, March 20, 2025

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Passover Cleaning: Bibi Finds Oct 7 Deterrent Hiding Behind Old 'Concept'  


Jerusalem, March 23 - Israel's prime minister smacked his forehead today upon discovering the intelligence, policies, and deployments that should have been in place when Hamas invaded the country on October 7, 2023, realizing only now where he had put them: ensconced on the back of a shelf that he only got to clearing now, ahead of the Pesach festival.

Sources in the Office of the Prime Minister disclosed today that Binyamin Netanyahu participated in the launch of the office's pre-Passover cleaning, and in the process found the robust security and surveillance practices that would have either deterred or neutralized the deadly incursion from Gaza that killed more than 1200 and and took more than 250 Israelis hostage. The find took place when the premier shifted aside a package of assumptions, naivety, and wishful thinking that had sat at the front of a set of shelves for more than thirty years.

"The prime minister just had to get past the notion that Palestinian leaders have ever wanted actual peace," one aide recalled. "Attached to it was another unit that insisted the conflict with the Palestinians could be 'managed' because he never had the stomach for decisive measures that would end it. Once he got around those packages, the deterrent was staring him in the face. The prime minister facepalmed, and remarked that he knew he'd seen it somewhere, and that he's mystified why previous years' cleanings had not turned up something so obvious in an obvious place."

Witnesses say Netanyahu examined the deterrence for several minutes, then put it back behind the appeasement and kicking-the-can-down-the-road bundles.

"He's probably gambling on people forgetting by the time the next elections ever happen," surmised an observer. "It's not a horrible strategy, given how much things can shift, though it does kind of undermine the whole notion of cleaning for Passover. The idea is to get rid of the hametz, the considerations people have that are based not on the true self, but outside or ulterior motives such as how others will see them. Very much a a rejection of the honor-shame culture that spawned Hamas. Hametz, Hamas, potayto, potahto..."

Further reports from the Office of the Prime Minister indicated that Netanyahu and his wife Sarah intend to spend Passover continuing to evading any direct interactions with family members of those held hostage in Gaza, with a stringency reminiscent of ultra-religious avoidance of the slightest whiff of hametz during Passover.



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