35-Year-Old Hamas Child Martyr To Be Tried In Heaven As Adult (PreOccupied Territory) ~ Elder Of Ziyon

Thursday, December 28, 2023

35-Year-Old Hamas Child Martyr To Be Tried In Heaven As Adult (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Jannah, December 28 - An Islamist militant whom Israeli forces killed in a firefight and whom Palestinian officials called a "child" in statistics released to the media will nevertheless be considered to have reached majority for his impending afterlife judgment, despite his having lived only three-and-a-half decades upon his death, supernal sources disclosed today.

Hassan Ayyash, 35, met his temporal end yesterday when attempting to ambush IDF troops in the central Gaza Strip city of Khan Younis. The Hamas fighter jumped out of a tunnel shaft to fire at a passing Israeli patrol, but, unaware that the enemy soldiers had already identified the position, placed himself in their crosshairs and died in a hail of M4 rifle bullets without getting off even a single shot of his own. Ayyash's lifeless body fell to the bottom of the tunnel shaft, knocking down a comrade and breaking his leg. The comrade died moments later when the IDF troops dropped several grenades down the tunnel shaft.

The Hamas-run Gaza Ministry of Health included Ayyash's death in the latest batch of casualty figures, counting him among 255 children it claimed were killed in the last two days of IDF activity in the territory. While his status in those government documents unequivocally appears a "child," the heavenly tribunal that will decide his eternal fate intends to try him as an adult.

"I don't understand," Ayyash, visibly confused, remarked as he awaited trial. "I'm clearly a child. All of the Gaza dead are children. Even the journalists doctors, musicians, and others. There are no combatants on our side, unless our side is bosting of its achievements on and since October 7. But yeah, I'm clearly a child. My government says so!"

Ayyash voiced frustration that Supernal standards of age seem not to dovetail with the standards Hamas and its sympathizers use in addressing international media. "I'm going to be in for a rough time if the Jews' control of affairs extends even to the afterlife," he acknowledged. "Obviously that can't be. I've been my entire identity and sense of purpose and value around seeing Jews as Allah's enemies. It's unthinkable that my teachers, mentors, and entire society have been that wrong about anything that big. The ultimate shame. And therefore impossible. I'm sure this will all prove to be a big misunderstanding."

Heavenly tribunal sources intimated that Ayyash will soon face revelations about divine, eternal truths that he will find most unpleasant.

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