Thursday, August 18, 2022

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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crowded park rideTel Aviv, August 18 - The director of a large outdoor facility offering rides, games, and other diversions acknowledged this afternoon that the miserable experience you and your loved ones had during your visit there resulted from a specific effort on her part to destroy your outing by arranging for more than the usual number of summertime day camp visits at the same time.

Tzula Hakhis, who runs Superland in the Tel Aviv suburb of Rishon LeTzion, admitted at an end-of-the-day staff meeting that she had deliberately scheduled two dozen groups of at least forty children each for the sole purpose of ruining the family outing that you and your spouse had planned for weeks. "I commend all of you for handling the crowds today," she told the workers. "Together, we succeeded in spoiling an entire outing, and, I hope, contributing to the undermining of a family's entire summer."

Hakhis reserved special mention for the staff who ran the water flume ride. "You did a fantastic job of moving the line as slowly as you could and never letting it get shorter than a hundred people. thanks to your hard work, our target family wasn't able to go on the ride more than once, and even then, it was the catalyst for endless bickering."

The only ride that allowed your family on without significant wait or hassle was the paddleboat attraction, which by nature gets exhausting after the first minute and keeps the riders in the summer sun and its water-reflected intensity for an unbearable ten or fifteen minutes. That ride, as well, touched already-fraught nerves and prompted one parental overreaction.

Most Western amusement park visitors would find Superland's selection of games underwhelming. "American guests turn their noses up at our measly four or five game booths," acknowledged Hakhis. "Not to mention our non-functioning video arcade. Even the plush toys don't compare to what you can find at a third-tier park in North America. But that doesn't matter to provincial kids. They don't know what they're missing. So the disappointment and frustration for a family that has to wade through throngs of misbehaving day-campers just to miss a shot at a bad stuffed imitation of a popular animated character... that's what it's all about."

Sources within the family hinted at reports that the debacle has not swayed you or your spouse from following through on a separate planned trip to Luna Park in Tel Aviv next week, with whom Hakhis has already shared your information.

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