Thursday, March 03, 2022
Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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London, March 4 - Researchers from a prominent international human rights organization informed journalists today that now that their work determining the existence of a race-based system of discrimination in the Jewish State has concluded for the time being, the group will go on hiatus from examining countries for instances of the phenomenon, that is unless anyone else needs them to take a look at what Jews are doing again.
Amnesty International's Apartheid Investigation Department told reporters that they will take it easy for the foreseeable future, given that no one of consequence has expressed interest in finding Apartheid anywhere but Israel. Lead investigator Ann Tissemitt told reporters Monday that she and her team plan to spend the next several years gallivanting various places, because their services appear unneeded for at least that long.
"I've always wanted to visit Myanmar," she confessed. "Doing so in an official Amnesty capacity would be problematic, given the whole implication of our investigating Apartheid, and I need not tell you that Myanmar has been a candidate for that designation for years now, specifically with regard to the Rohingya Muslim minority. But as a private individual, all bets are off. I can't wait. Following that. I might go to Turkish-occupied north Cyprus, which I hear is lovely all year round, and affordable, too. Also blessedly free of international political controversy despite the occupation, because no Jews. "
"China is the place for me, at first," added her deputy, Khaybar Khaybar. "I want to visit Xinjiang, Tibet and Hong Kong, places that have been in the news but I haven't had a chance to see firsthand. I hear good things, I mean at least in terms of the tourist perspective. Beautiful vistas, for example. Not gonna get into awkward issues if I'm just a tourist and I don't ask the wrong questions." Khaybar also noted that he has long wanted to spend time in Lebanon to connect with distant relatives in Palestinian refugee camps, but the security and economic situation there makes that proposition dicey, and that his hopes for an economical stay with those relatives have been dashed now that the Hezbollah-dominated government has reneged on a proposal to expand what professions and education Palestinian "guests" may pursue, putting a damper on his relatives' capacity to host him.
"But there's plenty of time for things to get better," he offered. "Especially since they don't face outside pressure to change things at the wrong pace and just destabilize everything. Such pressure can be so destructive, no matter how well-meaning."
