Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

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Thursday, January 11, 2024

ICC To Probe Whether Israel Behind Stampede That Killed Mufasa (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

The Hague, January 11 - The International Criminal Court announced today that it has opened an investigation into a deadly wildebeest incident that killed the king of the lions at Pride Rock and allowed a usurper to seize control of the territory, following evidence that agents acting on behalf of the Jewish State were responsible for the tragedy.

Chief Prosecutor Karim A. A. Khan convened a press conference at the ICC this morning to share details of the impending investigation into the stampede death of Mufasa, which he said now looks more and more like a Mossad operation.

Initial reports of the stampede focused on the possible involvement, possibly unintentional, of the crown prince Simba, last seen in the gorge where the herd of gnus trampled Mufasa to death as the latter attempted to rescue his son from the oncoming horde. Simba fled, leaving Mufasa's brother Scar to take over the pride and ushering in a period of drought and oppression that featured a shaky alliance with the hyenas and widespread discontent among the lions and the larger fauna community in the vicinity. Acting on tips from human rights groups, however, the ICC will probe what Khan called "disturbing indications" that in fact Simba had no culpability in his father's death, and that even Scar, whose resentments gave him motive to bump off his brother, may not be the one behind Mufasa's grisly death, but Israel.

"Given the default status of Israel as responsible for all the ills in the world, this investigation is both proper and necessary," stated Khan. "Our inquiry will examine whether the events surrounding Mufasa's death are consistent with Israeli brutality and criminality, and if so, we will open proceedings to prosecute the decision-makers in Israel's government."

Khan declined to elaborate on the evidentiary requirements that will determine the inquiry's conclusions. Analysts, however, take it as a foregone conclusion that the ICC will move to initiate a full criminal case against Israel - a development that experts say would be fraught with technical and legal complications.

"Israel isn't a signatory to the agreements that give the court its jurisdiction," explained International Law scholar Ken Garucourt. "That has stymied other efforts to seek justice for crimes against Palestinians - I mean 'alleged' crimes," he added, using air quotes and rolling his eyes.

"I'm sure we'll eventually find a way around that," he continued. "The Circle of Life cannot continue if Israel keeps killing everything. And all the animals in the area of Pride Rock are indigenous Palestinians under assault by colonialist, Zionist usurper imperialists. Sure, Scar is an unsavory character, but everyone knows that's of marginal importance for the sake of an alliance against Israel."

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Only Matter of Time Before Tourists Start Taking Duckface Selfies At 10/7 Massacre Sites (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Kfar 'Aza, January 4 - Scientists have determined that the appropriate units of measurement until narcissistic visitors from abroad begin photographing themselves in flattering poses in front of the locations where two months ago, Palestinian terrorists from the Gaza Strip perpetrated the deadliest and most brutal attack on Jews since the Holocaust, will be months, rather than years or decades.

Observers have noted the much-decried, mostly-teenage phenomenon in which tourists visiting the museum in Poland that marks the site of the Auschwitz-Birkenau camp complex - where Nazis and their collaborators murdered 1.5 million people, mostly Jews - take selfies in irreverent or inappropriate fashion, as if the site were Disneyworld or the Grand Canyon, rather than hallowed ground. Experts now expect the distasteful practice to expand to other sites of mass murder, especially where the victims were mainly Jews.

"The Nazi death camps are established historical sites," noted social psychologist Husana Vabbitch. "The major sites in Poland are state-run museums, with organized programs and facilities and reputations going back decades. The 'Gaza Envelope' where the October 7 massacres took place will take some time to grow into destinations for commemorative visits. Still, it's become the hot thing among politicians, celebrities, and influencers to be seen traipsing around either the NOVA festival venue or one of the affected Envelope communities. Anybody who's anybody has to post images of themselves in helmet and flak jacket, looking concerned or resolved at the carnage Hamas wrought. It's a tiny conceptual and phenomenological leap from there to posing in some other demonstrative way, including duckface or a two-handed 'peace' gesture. I give it a month."

The only reason the narcissistic phenomenon has not already occurred, experts believe, is that the Gaza Envelope remains a closed military zone. Continued missile and mortar bombs threats from the Gaza Strip have emptied even the homes of many survivors of Hamas's murderous, rapacious rampage. Entry to the zone requires IDF approval, and experts assume that restricted access protocols to the area will continue to apply as long as the current IDF ground offensive in the Gaza Strip persists. Israel's official position is that operations will continue until the 130 remaining hostages return to Israel, and until Hamas surrenders its weapons and its control of the territory - which could, in theory, happen tomorrow, but more likely require at least several months to achieve.

Influencers have already begun seeking sponsorships and product promotion arrangements for visits to the Israeli communities adjacent to the Gaza Strip, with an eye toward exploiting the stories of carnage and brutality for online clout.

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Latest EoZ cartoons

I think I'm finally caught up....

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35-Year-Old Hamas Child Martyr To Be Tried In Heaven As Adult (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jannah, December 28 - An Islamist militant whom Israeli forces killed in a firefight and whom Palestinian officials called a "child" in statistics released to the media will nevertheless be considered to have reached majority for his impending afterlife judgment, despite his having lived only three-and-a-half decades upon his death, supernal sources disclosed today.

Hassan Ayyash, 35, met his temporal end yesterday when attempting to ambush IDF troops in the central Gaza Strip city of Khan Younis. The Hamas fighter jumped out of a tunnel shaft to fire at a passing Israeli patrol, but, unaware that the enemy soldiers had already identified the position, placed himself in their crosshairs and died in a hail of M4 rifle bullets without getting off even a single shot of his own. Ayyash's lifeless body fell to the bottom of the tunnel shaft, knocking down a comrade and breaking his leg. The comrade died moments later when the IDF troops dropped several grenades down the tunnel shaft.

The Hamas-run Gaza Ministry of Health included Ayyash's death in the latest batch of casualty figures, counting him among 255 children it claimed were killed in the last two days of IDF activity in the territory. While his status in those government documents unequivocally appears a "child," the heavenly tribunal that will decide his eternal fate intends to try him as an adult.

"I don't understand," Ayyash, visibly confused, remarked as he awaited trial. "I'm clearly a child. All of the Gaza dead are children. Even the journalists doctors, musicians, and others. There are no combatants on our side, unless our side is bosting of its achievements on and since October 7. But yeah, I'm clearly a child. My government says so!"

Ayyash voiced frustration that Supernal standards of age seem not to dovetail with the standards Hamas and its sympathizers use in addressing international media. "I'm going to be in for a rough time if the Jews' control of affairs extends even to the afterlife," he acknowledged. "Obviously that can't be. I've been my entire identity and sense of purpose and value around seeing Jews as Allah's enemies. It's unthinkable that my teachers, mentors, and entire society have been that wrong about anything that big. The ultimate shame. And therefore impossible. I'm sure this will all prove to be a big misunderstanding."

Heavenly tribunal sources intimated that Ayyash will soon face revelations about divine, eternal truths that he will find most unpleasant.

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Hamas Detainees Photographed In Underwear Land Plus-Size Bra-Modeling Contract (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Shuja'iya, December 22 - Dozens of Gaza Strip militants who surrendered to Israeli forces recent weeks have received offers from lingerie marketers to display the products on their ample, curvy bodies, a spokesman for Israel's prison service disclosed today.

Lt. Col. Adi Poss told reporters that manufacturers and retailers of bras and underwear for the full-figured have contacted the prison service to express interest in using some of the captured Hamas fighters as models, having seen pictures of the men stripped to their underwear as a security measure, and thus displaying portions of the body well-suited to flattering presentation of the intimate apparel products.

"At least six companies shave expressed interest," noted Lt. Col. Poss. "The feasibility of any arrangement remains open to question, given the uncertainty of these men's futures. Will they still be in captivity when arrangements are finally made? Can modeling the bras take place within the prison? It's definitely possible, but obviously not a priority for us tight now."

A representative of Victoria's Secret volunteered that her company seeks to ascertain the practicality of using the well-fed captive Hamas personnel as models. "What first caught our attention was that they were obviously not unfamiliar with a good meal or two," recalled the Vice President for Marketing, Ella Stick. "Victoria's Secret switched back to more traditionally-shaped models last year, but we acknowledge the buying power of those whose bodies do not match the perfection on display in our advertising. VS still aims to signal to the full-figured woman that our products suit her, and the shapes of the men captured by Israel during the fighting would meet those requirements nicely."

She added that the presence of so many well-fed people in the photos caught executives by surprise. "We were told Gaza was running out of food, but that's clearly not the case," she stated. "That's what made the images all the more striking. Perhaps under other circumstances we wouldn't have given a second glance at the man-boobs on display, but notice them we did. I'm thinking with the specimens in the photos, we can find models for almost every size we manufacture."

Another company that declined at this stage to be identified revealed that it already has a formal name for the marketing initiative, the Al Moob Project. Lt. Col. Poss offered assurances that enough "big-boned" Hamas fighters remain available for all the interested companies.

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Massie Renounces W. Virginia Birth To Avoid Accusations Of Dual Loyalty (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Washington, December 14 - A Kentucky Congressman followed up today on criticism of his colleagues' firm support of Israel with a disavowal of his origin and childhood in a different state, a spokesman for the legislator announced today.

Bill T. F. Sharry, an aide to the Republican lawmaker, told reporters at the Capitol this morning that Thomas Massie (R-KY) decided to put his money where his mouth was, and, after tweeting a meme that claimed Congress was rejecting patriotism in favor of Zionism, realized he must show consistency on the matter of his place of birth vs. the place he was elected to represent in DC.

"The Congressman is a man of principles, and if principles call for him to oppose foreign interests superseding American interests, then consistency demands that he also foreswear any loyalties to a different state from the one he now serves," Sharry explained. He neglected to explain how the Congressman believes Zionism contradicts American patriotism.

"Up yours, West Virginia," he added. "None of your pernicious influence will ever again penetrate Kentucky."

Sharry also called on other members of Congress, in both houses, to follow Massie's lead, and formally disconnect themselves from any former states of residence, as a hedge against dual loyalties.

"Too many of our representatives and senators hail from states where they lived before getting elected to Congress to represent their present states of residence," he continued. "[Republican Senator from Texas] Ted Cruz was born in Canada, which I'm told isn't even part of this country. Has he renounced loyalty to that foreign regime to the north? Or will we one day face a crisis in which Mr. Cruz has to choose between American interests and the interests of people whose idea of a good time is the so-called sport of curling? All elected officials, and all appointed or hired ones, for that matter, should renounce loyalty to any other state or locale, at once."

Some critics opined that Massie's move remains insufficient. "He got a degree from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology," charged commentator Mike Cernovich. "We all know New England, the Boston area in particular, is a hotbed of degenerate liberal ideology and immorality. Massie spent years there, on and off. Now we're supposed to just trust that none of that craziness rubbed off on him, that he has no compromising sympathies for them? No one's impressed if you disavow West Virginia. West Virginians want to disavow West Virginia. It's a cesspool. No, I take it back, that's unfair to cesspools."

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Israel Better Not Violate The Next Ceasefire By Returning Hamas Fire, by Joseph R. Biden (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Israel Better Not Violate The Next Ceasefire By Returning Hamas Fire

by Joseph R. Biden, President, United States of America

Washington, December 7 - The next precious, fragile pause in hostilities in Gaza to facilitate the release of hostages must continue. My administration will persist in its determined efforts to ensure that the calm prevails, when the time comes and that if Hamas does shoot, Israel does not shatter the ceasefire by retaliating.

Many lives are still at stake, and not just those of the hostages. Humanity cannot simply shrug at any resumption in hostilities. We must impress upon the parties to the conflict the critical need to resolve the difficult situation through non-violent means; we must encourage them to maintain the fragile calm, and, when Hamas or allied factions fire at Israel, not to violate that calm by firing back.

The innocent people of Gaza have suffered as well. I am proud to say that with American leadership, the international community has rallied to work toward their protection via the eventual implementation of a broader ceasefire arrangement, which must be inviolate even if Hamas violates it.

None of us are naïve about the mechanisms and inducements necessary to preserve a ceasefire. A ceasefire was in place until Israel fired back on October 7. Even the preemptive calls on Israel for a ceasefire before their retaliation began failed to stop it. A more lasting arrangement will have to better account for the factors that previous efforts failed to weigh properly. Only then can we prevent violations of that ceasefire when Israel fires back. Otherwise we simply repeat all the previous mistakes.

The parties to the proceedings, including our allies in the region, all understand that one of the keys to preventing the collapse of a ceasefire when Israel returns fire lies in identifying and implementing measures to keep Hamas from firing in the first place. That imposing challenge has long loomed over previous efforts to secure quiet on the Gaza front. The United States will continue to work with its partners in the region and beyond to find solutions, with whatever creativity becomes necessary, to induce Hamas not to fire when a ceasefire is in place, so that Israel is not prompted to break the ceasefire in retaliation.

Together, all the parties to this process can arrive at a workable, even durable, solution, provided we develop realistic, holistic incentive and oversight mechanisms, which our allies and I believe not just desirable, but possible. It may yet take some time, but I promise to work hard to ensure that the next time Hamas fires rockets at Israel or shoots at Israeli soldiers during a ceasefire, Israel will refrain from shooting back and thus violating the ceasefire.

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Hamas Promises Free Apartment Rubble To Anyone Who Fights Israel (PreOccupied Teritory)

Hamas Promises Free Apartment Rubble To Anyone Who Fights Israel

Gaza City, December 3 - Leaders of the Islamist terrorist organization that governs most of the Gaza Strip urged residents of the territory to resist the ongoing Israeli incursion by all means possible, and as a reward, the movement undertakes to provide each such volunteer, free of charge, pieces of the ruins that would have been a new home if not for the war.

Hamas officials called again for the Palestinians of Gaza not to use the humanitarian corridors that Israel has provided for noncombatants to flee conflict zones, but to take up arms and fight the Zionists. Anyone who participates in resisting the Israeli operation to eliminate Hamas, the organization vowed, will received the ruins of what once was a beautiful new apartment before Hamas used it as a fighting position, armament-storage facility, or other military purpose, for which the IDF targeted and destroyed it.

"All who join the glorious resistance against the usurper-occupier Zionist pig-dogs will be rewarded," declared Abu Obeida, the organization's unofficial spokesman. "When the fighting ends and the ape-Jew invader is defeated and exterminated, your leadership will grant each adult, or his family if he does not survive, the mess of concrete, steel, glass, and other materials that used to be a home until it wasn't."

If Hamas remains in power after the war - which began when the organization invaded southern Israel in an orgy of murder, rape, mutilation, torture, and abduction on October 7 - it will have vast swaths of Gaza City rubble to allocate to those who helped resist Israel. In addition to the pieces and skeletons of destroyed buildings, the ruins include hundreds of miles of reinforced-concrete tunnels beneath those former buildings - meaning that the rubble available to reward those who remained loyal to Hamas and took an active part in fighting Israel actually exceeds the volume of rubble from destroyed apartments.

The incentive represents an adaptation of an earlier offer by Hamas to Palestinians civilians who participated in the pogrom of October 7: a free apartment. IDF operations with the declared aim of destroying Hamas have rendered impracticable the same policy vis-à-vis the ongoing battle withing the Gaza Strip now that Israel has taken the fight to the enemy and landed numerous destructive blows.

Aides to Mr. Obeida acknowledged that while numerous apartments remain available in the southern section of the Gaza Strip, and Israel's operations on the ground have concentrated so far in the north, most observers anticipate that Israel will shift to the south once it hits all of its targets in the north.

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Minds OK With Muhammad's Flying Horse Unable To Grasp Notion Of Jewish Self-Defense (PreOccupied Territory)

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Cairo, November 9 - Religious thinkers whose cognitive abilities can incorporate the wondrous truth of Muhammad the Prophet conducting a Night Journey to what is now a shrine in Jerusalem, leaving his mighty steed's hoofprint in the rock, and returning to Arabia before dawn, have also found difficulty accepting that Jews have a right to take steps not to be harmed, even by those who believe the flying horse story.

Islamic - and many Christian - theologians and scholars continued to struggle of late with notions of Jewish self-defense, let alone Jewish sovereignty, concepts at odds with everything the scholars understand about the world, very much unlike, for example, the not-ridiculous idea of thousands of years of documented religious tradition being a big corruption suddenly corrected by the ramblings of an illiterate seventh-century desert tribesman from half-remembered tales overheard from Jewish neighbors.

"That's not an acceptable thing," insisted a leading scholar of religions at Cairo University. "You need to think straight and not give credence to absurdities," referring, presumably, not to a non-corporeal God deciding to impregnate a human virgin with Himself so He could take human form, violating His own explicit teachings about His infinite formlessness, with the intention of having that human form get killed to save humanity from damnation that He ordained in the first place, but to any consideration that Jews control their own security and affairs instead of remaining at the mercy of host populations who force them to pay for "protection" and only sometimes get it.

"Please stop holding such ridiculous thoughts in your head," he added.

His colleagues, who accept that either seventy-two virgins, or seventy-two white grapes, depending on how one interprets the Prophet's terminology, the importance of determining which should be of some importance, you might think, go in Paradise to to those who die in holy war, confessed that they cannot wrap their heads around Jews being able to defend themselves. "Defend themselves? From whom? When has anyone ever mistreated Jews?"

"What an absurd belief."

Thinkers who represent a tradition in which the mainstream framing of its principles demanded for many centuries that Jews bear collective, eternal guilt for the death of God incarnate, who died to atone for the sins of all of humanity, in which case, the Jews did everyone a favor by engineering that atonement, expressed confusion at the thought that Jews might enjoy the right to prevent or defend against rhetorical or violent attempts by followers of those principles to harm Jews.

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UN: Israel Must Replace Phone Chargers Hamas Lost In Wreckage (PreOccupied Teritory)

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UN: Israel Must Replace Phone Chargers Hamas Lost In Wreckage

Gaza City, November 2 - International pressure came upon Israel today to provide new devices to the Palestinian fighters who can no longer power up their cellphones after access to the original items was severed in airstrikes on Palestinian military positions.

The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, Filippo Grandi, and heads of several other UN agencies, demanded this morning that Israel replace phone chargers that Hamas and other militant group fighters lost because of IDF activity against command posts, tunnels, missile launchers, and other positions in the Gaza Strip.

"The right to free association is a fundamental human right," declared Grandi. "Denying anyone that over political disagreement - and we can all agree that modern phones are the chief vehicle for free association - is a violation of basic human dignity. Palestinians have been fighting for that dignity for decades."

Grandi made the statement in conjunction with representatives of Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, Btselem, Médecins Sans Forntières, and several Palestinian human-rights-monitoring groups, all of whom characterized the deprivation by Israel to Hamas of phone chargers as a war crime and collective punishment.

"There is no shortage of innocent content on those phones, and this indiscriminate severing of access to those apps and files is illegal and violates human rights law," stated Sari Bashi of HRW.

"The poor Palestinian mothers won't be able to communicate with their sons," she lamented.

A Btselem activist relayed an account by a Palestinian who had to choose between leaving his phone charger in a tunnel and leaving an Israeli child being held hostage there. "It's a cruel choice Israel forces them to make," cried the activist. "I can't imagine being in that position. But we must force ourselves to imagine it, imagine having to make that choice. There were still limbs on that child for the Palestinian man to cut off, and he was unable to finish the job."

The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees, the chief UN organ for addressing the Palestinian plight, noted its own inability to address the lack of chargers. "Unfortunately, several weeks ago, unknown parties entered our main facility in Gaza and emptied it out of fuel, drinking water, batteries, food, and chargers," the agency stated. "We have asked our contacts in Hamas, who run everything here, and whose rosters overlap with ours, who might have done that and where the supplies might be, and we haven't gotten an answer yet."

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