Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, March 04, 2021








Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

Caesarea, March 4 - Israel's incumbent prime minister floated the idea today of appealing to segments beyond his traditional right-wing base by adopting some behaviors of the center-left American president, such as standing behind women on stage at public functions and immersing his nose in their coif to inhale the scent of their shampoo.

Binyamin Netanyahu of Likud hinted in an interview at his seaside home in this ancient Herodian city Wednesday that his electoral approach has shifted in this campaign, including an unprecedented effort to reach out to Arab citizens, and in the concluding weeks of the campaign he intends to expand that outside-the-box thinking to include left-wing voters by imitating Joe Biden's women's-hair-sniffing displays. The elections are scheduled for March 26, the fourth such contest in two years.

"We obviously need to avoid the paralysis and despair that come with an inconclusive election outcome," explained the premier, who has now served longer than any other in Israel's history. "That will require changing the way things are done to attract votes. My policies have actually been more or less indistinguishable from a left-wing government: I haven't confronted the growing hegemony of the courts and prosecution; I haven't made good on promises to demolish illegal villages; I haven't addressed discriminatory enforcement in different demographic sectors, favoring non-Jews over Jews; I haven't done anything about tens of thousands of illegal migrants from Africa; I've instructed the military to take a soft approach to Hamas violence; I've continued to allow the terrorism-inciting, violence-glorifying Palestinian Authority to receive tax revenues and goods."

"In short," he continued, "it's clearly not my policies these voters oppose, so maybe it's my personal behavior. But if I were to adopt some of the unmistakable affectations of, say, the current American president, a Democrat, that might resonate better with otherwise-left-wing members of the electorate, and the mandate to form a government under my leadership this time around will prove more convincing and longer-lasting. I've known Joe for a long time and been able to see him in action, in addition to all the footage available of him, and I have to say I'm leaning towards the whole sniffing-women's-hair tendency has a special hold on my imagination." No Israeli government has lasted its full term in decades.

Netanyahu revealed he has mooted other "Bidenisms" he can also adopt to serve the same purpose, such as putting illegal migrants in cramped quarters and calling them "overflow facilities" and "definitely not cages."




Wednesday, March 03, 2021







Tuesday, March 02, 2021







Sunday, February 28, 2021






Friday, February 26, 2021






Thursday, February 25, 2021











Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.


work from homeHebron, February 25 - Citing what he calls the lockdown's "devastating effect" on his family, a local resident who aspires to kill Israelis by detonating an explosive belt he wears voiced his wish today that Palestinian public health officials lift movement restrictions to allow him to perform his duties outside the family residence.

Muhammad Qawasmeh, 24, told reporters this afternoon that he feels constrained by the regime of COVID-mitigation restrictions in place in this town less than an hour's drive south of Jerusalem, and that he cannot engage effectively in his work as a suicide bomber for the Islamic Resistance Movement known as Hamas.

"I simply can't do my job stuck here at home," lamented the now-unemployed holder of a degree in agricultural engineering. "If I were allowed to move more than a kilometer from my apartment, I could find some Jews to kill along with myself, but all the Jews are on the other side of town from here." Qawasmeh gestured toward the center of Hebron where an enclave of several hundred Jews lives, the fruits of an Israeli effort to restore a Jewish community to King David's first ancient capital following the massacre of the town's Jews by local Arabs in 1929. A larger community called Kiryat Araba lies on the next hilltop, even more inaccessible to Qawasmeh under present conditions.

"It's not good for me or my family," he observed. "I practiced a small detonation a couple of months ago, just to keep myself sharp, you know? I can't let those professional skills erode. I'm going to need them someday soon - at least I hope it's soon. But I ended up giving my little brother Osama third-degree burns and he almost lost an eye. This whole situation is having a devastating effect on my family."

Qawasmeh remarked that ironically, his very dedication to the greater good at the expense of his own physical welfare, or life, demands that he refrain from engaging in the very sacrificial activity for which he was recruited and trained. "Stay at home in the interest of public health, I get it," he acknowledged. "But why is it so important all of a sudden that it overrides the supreme value we've all nurtured until now, that of killing Jews as a way to liberate the land of our ancestors? Nobody used to care very much if it also meant killing Allah knows how many fellow Arabs. Suddenly this pandemic is different? I think the martyrs would understand either way."

Wednesday, February 24, 2021






Tuesday, February 23, 2021






Monday, February 22, 2021






Sunday, February 21, 2021






Friday, February 19, 2021





Thursday, February 18, 2021






Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.


Humpty DumptyNabi Salih, February 18 - Activists have uncovered evidence that the series of wires, towers, concrete ramparts, and other obstacles that Israel credits with stopping Palestinian suicide bombers had a previous career marred by causing the fatal injury of a legendary egg-man.

Israel's security barrier, which pro-Palestinian human rights activists have named the "Apartheid Wall," all but squelched the incidences of suicide bombing during the Second Intifada during the first few years of the decade before last, saving an untold number of lives. Astute social media users, however, have discovered the barrier's sordid past, in which a notable philosopher met his end by falling - or being caused to fall in murky circumstances - from that same wall and could not be saved despite heroic efforts by royal servants both human and equine.

"This is the wall that killed Humpty Dumpty," revealed Human Rights Watch activist Omar Shakir. "Not only does it carve up the land and deny Palestinian farmers access to their fields, it has never faced justice for its rile in the demise of that famous advocate for Palestinian rhetoric, in which familiar terms such as 'Apartheid' are redefined to suit one's purposes." Mr. Shakir gestured with a copy of Lewis Carroll's 1971 book Alice Through the Looking Glass.

"The role of the wall in preventing attacks is disputed anyway," continued Shakir, echoing arguments that a changing political environment had made such operations less desirable among resistance groups, with the timing of the wall and other Israeli deterrent measures, as well as the near-total absence of such attempts in the fifteen years since, a coincidence. "Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!" He also demanded the international community underwrite ongoing futile efforts to put the allegorical Mr. Dumpty back together along with idyllic pre-Israel Palestine.

Mr. Shakir declined to comment on whether this marked the first time a progressive activist had echoed Ronald Reagan.

Details remain sketchy of the walls involvement of the Humpty Dumpty Affair, which occurred some time before 1797, when the first documented mention of it occurs. In those early records no mention occurs of horses or king's men, but the wall features prominently as one of three major players in Mr. Dumpty's destruction: wall, gravity, and ground. The impact against the latter finalized the event; in accounts recorded later, mention of various other parties occurs, in the capacity of those attempting to remedy the situation. The most familiar account of the incident, in which royal horses and men play that role,  dates to no later than the middle of the twentieth century, when the British were preparing to relinquish colonialist control of Palestine in favor of Zionists and stabbed peaceful Arabs in the back. Pro-Palestinian activists believe that rewrite represents a British effort to rehabilitate their image as racist colonialist Orientalist Islamophobes who are under Jewish control anyway.




Wednesday, February 17, 2021






Tuesday, February 16, 2021







Monday, February 15, 2021






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