Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, October 26, 2023

Israel Destroyed Our High-Rises - Where Will We Throw Gays Off The Roof From Now? (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Israel Destroyed Our High-Rises - Where Will We Throw Gays Off The Roof From Now?

by Amr Safa

Khan Yunis, October 26 - The wasteland that the brutal Zionists have wrought in Palestine can never be forgiven. The horrendous loss of life, the rubble where homes once stood, the tall buildings from which we once pushed homosexuals, but alas, can no longer, because the Zionist bombs have demolished them.

A heinous crime! The international community must ensure that the Zionists are punished for this outrage!

Obviously not by throwing them from the roof of a tall building, but we can think of other ways, as you might surmise.

Please dispense with any suggestions that we can make use of shorter buildings, with lower rooftops, for the same purpose as we once used the high-rises. We have tried it, and the results were consistently disappointing. Even bound and unable to position themselves to minimize damage, the gays only sometimes died from the fall itself. We frequently had to take further measures to move the process along, such as beating them the rest of the way to death, or tying them to motorcycles and dragging them in the street until they completely expired, and then continued driving for a while because that's what homosexuality deserves. But the Zionists leave us no other option now.

How does anyone expect us to maintain morality with no tall buildings off of which to throw homosexuals? The depravity of the Zionists and their western backers occurs not in a vacuum of military brutality, which is bad enough, but represents a calculated campaign to undermine the morals of Islamic society, including Palestine, by preventing us from treating moral abominations with the disgust and demonstrativeness they deserve. They would even have us not beat our wives and not burn our sisters to death for conversing with men without our approval!

We vow now: we will rebuild. We always have. Granted, first Hamas has to get its cut, then all the necessary bribes, and skimming off the top by everyone whose hands the money even briefly touches, but we will rebuild. The global donors will always side with Palestine. They love us, which is why they close their gates when some of us might otherwise think of fleeing the Zionist genocide. We are so grateful! Please, send more money that can be turned into rubble in the next war. This is what your money is for! We still have gays to execute in the traditional manner.

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Satan Annoyed At Latest Hamas Arrivals; 'I Thought I Finished With These Bastards In 1945' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Hades, October 18- The infernal official who oversees the postmortem punishment of unrepentant sinners voiced his continued exasperation today upon the registration of a new batch of Palestinian terrorists that Israeli forces killed over the last several days, as he lamented his mistaken assumption that he had already completed handling of Nazis in large numbers almost eighty years ago, and was not pleased to discover them still operating on Earth.

The Devil told numerous demons today for at least the fifth time in the last twenty-four hours that he had had quite enough of Nazis as of 1945 already, and that the incoming waves of their ideological successors in the form of Hamas terrorists and their abettors have reopened a chapter in the history of Perdition that the Prince of Darkness would rather leave behind.

"These guys again?" Satan was heard to remark. "I thought I was finished with groups of them when the Second World War ended. But they keep showing up here all these decades later. You have to be kidding me."

Denizens of the netherworld recalled an upset Lucifer telephoning the LORD for clarification, then slamming down the receiver when the Almighty informed him of the ongoing Hamas-Israel conflict.

"Bastards," he whispered. "Goddamn bastards."

The Devil shook his head clear. "Time to get to work," he barked at various minions, who began shoveling burning feces into every orifice of the terrified ex-Hamas operatives, as their own little-girl shrieks of horror and pain were played back in their ears at 130 decibels and all their humiliating moments shown on big screens, to the delighted jeers of demons who looked exactly like the people the new arrivals hated most while alive.

Even as the work on the new arrivals proceeded, Satan ordered the drafting of a communique to God, inquiring as to any forecasted end to the distasteful work of handling and processing Nazi-Hamas personnel, and beseeching the Creator for some respite.

"As You know, even I have a limited capacity for this kind of work," the Devil dictated to a demon. "I cannot and do not refuse to do even an iota of the sacred assignment with which You have entrusted me. But I nevertheless wish to express my dismay and frustration that the darkest, most intense period of my reign here in Hell comes to an end not with the large-scale deaths of Nazis many years ago, but at some unknown future date, when Hamas, its allies, and sponsors finally meet their ends. Please take into consideration my feelings in Your administration of mortal affairs so that the date in question comes sooner, rather than later."

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Jews Mock Palestinian Refugees By Living In Huts This Week (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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Jews Mock Palestinian Refugees By Living In Huts This Week

by Ali Latdam, Quds News Network

Ramallah, October 5 - The Zionist atrocities continue apace as the world sits silent, this time amid a spate of Talmudic rituals that take the plight of those driven from their homes during the Nakba and make fun of it: the usurpers, in an annual ritual, spend seven days residing in temporary structures instead of regular homes - a direct affront to the millions of stateless Palestinians still waiting for resolution of their situation.

Apologists for the rapist colonialist imperialist pig Zionists will no doubt attempt to claim that the ritual precedes the Nakba - as if anything Zionist could precede the Nakba! The Nakba is the beginning of it all. Nothing calamitous happened before the Nakba! Before the Nakba, Palestine was forever tranquil, fertile, and Islamic, all the way back into time. Any argument otherwise is an attempt to undermine Palestinian indigeneity, an axiom of ultimate truth.

They will also contend that the "Sukkot" festival has nothing to do with mocking Palestinian refugees, but an honest look at the sources demonstrates otherwise: they "commemorate" when they "left Egypt" and "resided in huts" on the way to "Canaan" - itself proof that they are outsiders, and we are the indigenous Canaanites, whom they want to displace and render homeless.

In case that approach of ours falls flat, remember that we, not they, have always lived here, and we are the original Jews, not those Khazar imposters. Yes, that contradicts the above paragraph, but so what? No one has cared yet. The New York Times, Amnesty International, the United Nations - whichever approach undergirds Palestinian virtue and victimhood while depicting Jewish sovereignty as rapacious genocide, they will endorse. We need not worry about the consistency of our arguments.

And those plants they wave during the festival - who can deny that the date palm frond represents the sword with which they seek to displace us? The citron - its yellow hue showing the cowardly Zionist mentality. The myrtle sprig - its leaves resembling eyes that covet Palestinian land. And the willow bush, mouth-shaped to represent the lies of Jewish historic rights to Palestine. Waved all about, mocking the truth - we know what those Talmudic rituals represent, no matter how many times the enemy points out that no such symbolism appears in the Talmud. We know. We've always known. We know better than the Jews who the Jews are and what the Jews want!

For if we allow that Jews can decide what Jews want and what Jewish rituals represent, that opens the door to Jews deciding on their own security and sovereignty, a notion that conflicts with the axiom of Palestinian Islamic supremacy.

But once you begin with the unquestionable premise of Palestinian virtue and Zionist perfidy, the choices are obvious.

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This Palestinian Has Had Her Kidneys Harvested By Israel Six Times (PreOccupied Teritory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Ramallah, October 3 - Nadia Shifa, 30, has felt the abuses and indignities of the Occupation more than most of her compatriots: whereas they all suffer from mobility restrictions and military incursions, she must also deal with the recurring phenomenon of the IDF and other security forces who drug her, kidnap her, and remove her vital organs, each time with fatal consequences.

The mother of five from a village just outside this de facto Palestinian capital city - Palestinians officially claim Jerusalem, Israel's capital, as theirs - has lost count of the number of times Israel has removed her kidneys, lungs, liver, heart, eyes, and even all the skin on her face, plus assorted other irreplaceable bodily tissues, to sell on the international black market.

"Obviously they can't use it themselves because they're not native and not related to the native people here," she observed. "So it can only be for profit. We're talking about Jews, after all. I've died eleven times so far. the international community does nothing. The Jews control the international community, with their banks and media, so we'll get no help. Even the Arab world is too busy to do anything but posture. Which I would do, too, if Israel hadn't taken my spine again."

Nadia's suffering encapsulates the Palestinian narrative: they face rapacious genocide and ethnic cleansing that has reduced their population in the land from over a million in 1948 to only ten million as of last year. "They take everything from us," she lamented with a shake of the head, which Israel took from her last year. "Everything precious and vital, they steal. I want my pancreas back! I've already died from diabetes without it!"

Her travails recall the case of a Gaza man who, several years ago, died six times at the hand of IDF snipers, tanks, drones, and other violent Israeli methods, who loved to regale journalists with the tale, which differed each time he told it, depending on the western media outlet interviewing him.

Human rights NGOs cite Nadia's case in frequent reports on the situation in the Occupied Palestinian Territories. "We need to help her and the millions of others under the oppressive Israeli yoke," acknowledged Omar Bashir of Human Rights Watch. "Nadia is but one of many. I can show you the stories of Palestinians murdered by the millions, genocided so thoroughly that not even forensic scientists have been able to document, locate, or corroborate any of it."

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You Other Jews Don't Punch Your Chests Hard Enough During Confession. Allow Me. by Peter Beinart (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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You Other Jews Don't Punch Your Chests Hard Enough During Confession. Allow Me.

by Peter Beinart

New York, September 21 - Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is upon us. Many of the religiously devoted have been reciting penitentiary prayers for weeks already, passages that include a repeated litany of sinful attitudes and behaviors that we regret, an alphabetical acrostic that features a gesture of striking the chest over the heart at the mention of each term. I must say, observing my coreligionists recently, and through the years: you hit yourselves far too lightly. I insist on doing it for you.

This has become a worrisome trend. You other Jews feel insufficient guilt about existing, let alone sympathizing with - or, God forbid, actively supporting - Jewish assertions of sovereignty and removal of outside oppression. A good punch or twenty-four, times three, per weekday, ought to help remedy that. It'd be my pleasure.

I know, I know, there's no way I can do it all on my own. Jews who neglect, or refuse, to guilt-punch themselves hard enough far outnumber me. I could never hope to reach all of you without exhausting myself, and even then, I'd fall short. But fear not: I can call upon hundreds, even thousands, of like-minded colleagues, many of whom aren't even Jewish, to assist me in my punch-every-Jew-for-their-own-atonement initiative. Finding enough non-Jews interested in helping uphold that value has never posed a problem.

As the Talmud famously teaches, we encourage people to maintain positive practices even if they undertake those practices for the wrong reasons, because eventually they may begin to do them for the right reasons. Indeed, many, perhaps most, of the volunteers I aim to recruit will not share my specific motivations for this enterprise, but no one can deny the enthusiasm and robust participation they will bring to the job. We can all admire that, and one day, they will engage in the punching for its own sake.

One can even dream that we Jews will (re?)acquire the capacity to punch ourselves hard enough in recognition of our collective guilt for whatever the cultural hegemony deems the greatest sin of the age. All along, I plan to continue my current trajectory of speaking engagements, panel discussions, article royalties, and other income streams born of encouraging my people to surrender any control for their own communal security and safety, not to mention self-determination.

Goodness, those are such triggering, disturbing terms. They fill me with shame and make me want to punch someone!

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Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing

Jerusalem, September 14 - A local shopkeeper confidently insisted today there is no such thing as an item a potential customer recalled seeing elsewhere in the world, the potential customer reported.

Ido Yaakobi, 62, owner and operator of a housewares store in the Mahane Yehuda market, informed a visitor to his shop that no, a silicone tube that uses manual pressure to remove the dried husk from a garlic clove does not exist. He spoke with the assertiveness of a man possessed of the knowledge of all kitchen products, having commanded his position in the area for several decades. Yaakobi made the assertion despite the visitor's insistence, with photos and descriptions on his phone, that such a product can, in fact, be procured elsewhere.

"Ein davar kazzeh," stated Yaakobi. "There's no such thing. Just peel it with your fingers like a normal person."

The customer disclosed that she had grown up in the US using a silicone garlic-peeler for decades, but that argument failed to sway the proprietor. "Obviously I've been mistaken all these years," she conceded. "Perhaps all the manufacturers and vendors of these so-called garlic peelers are, unbeknownst even to themselves, producing and marketing a different product entirely, and are just mislabeling it. I suppose I should have known that it's better to get your fingernails and fingertips stinking of garlic than to use something that gets the job done quickly and cleanly."

Other customers at the store recalled similar experiences. "I'm glad I went there," admitted an immigrant from the UK. "Otherwise I might still be walking around under the misperception that anyone needs silicone- or plastic-tipped tongs that aren't rounded at the ends, but flat, to help separate, for example, potatoes stuck to the bottom of a non-stick roasting pan. I must have imagined seeing such a product before, or even owning one for more than twenty years. I'm glad that guy set me straight by educating me that no such thing exists."

Experts noted that the phenomenon of Israeli shopkeepers interpreting their own awareness deficiency as reflective of objective marketing and manufacturing realities has a long history. "In the early years of the State of Israel, economic struggle and austerity were the order of the day," explained historian Tzena Razzon. "Customers were dependent on sellers for everything, and limited supply meant you couldn't just go elsewhere for a better deal or better quality. Businesses got used to holding all the advantages, and whatever the proprietor said, went, regardless of its relationship to reality. Some businesses haven't let go of that yet."

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Bill: Have Children Run Knesset While School Out; Improved Functioning Expected (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, September 7 - Late summer has long proved a challenge to Israeli parents, as during the latter half of August, few, if any, camp options exist for children, and school does not resume until the first of September. A new legislative proposal aims to change that, and experts believe it would also make the parliament more efficient, effective, and competent: send the kids to the plenum and committee sessions to conduct the regular affairs of the lawmaking body.

A parental rights lobbying group urged Members of Knesset - currently on recess until after the Jewish holiday season ends in October - to adopt the proposal, which calls for childcare responsibilities to be transferred to the legislators so that parents can maintain a normal working schedule and not be forced to take precious vacation days or to forfeit wages and job security for not working. The move, the group argues, will allow the productive people in Israeli society to maintain their productivity, while giving the unproductive politicians something productive to do.

"The late August vacation is a relic of a more socialist age in Israeli society," explained Dvir Shoham, chairman of the HELP Coalition, which advocates for "sane policy" and the removal of undue hardship for parents. "Mandated vacation, which is what many of us face for our children, and sometimes ourselves as well, is bad for families' solvency, bad for the economy, and bad for those ill-prepared or ill-equipped to handle non-stop childcare duties for the entire period."

"Politicians need to step up and do something useful for once," he continued. "That's why we need this bill. We can all send our children to the Knesset, or even to the local or city council, where the children will conduct the everyday business of those bodies, and the children will do at least as good a job of it as the elected 'leaders.'"

Analysts agreed with the last point, but observed that it all but guarantees the proposal's failure. "No politician in his or her right mind will endorse a scheme that demonstrates his or her uselessness as a politician." noted commentator Ben Caspit, "Well, other than being in office. That always seems to bring out the uselessness in public figure."

"On the other hand," he added, "since a voluble chunk of progressive culture insists on the affirmation of anything anybody but a white heterosexual male says, including 'affirming' the 'expressed' gender preferences of single-digit children, this would be the logical extension of such a view. Put the children in charge. At the very least, they couldn't perform any worse than the current crew."

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New Arab conspiracy theories: "Jewish Lobby" assassinated Mohammed! Jewish bankers funded Pharaonic wars!

MEMRI found this gem:

Iraqi Shi'ite Militia Leader (allied with Iran) Qais Al-Khazali: "The Devil is not a theoretical enemy. He has a party that abides by his orders. As will be shown, this party of the Devil is led by the Jews.

"The Jews are the soldiers who serve the Devil – this is the Jewish lobby that controls the decision-making, the media, the economy, the dollar, the weapons trade, and so on. This is no longer a conspiracy theory. This has become clear.

"it was the Jews – the Jewish lobby – that murdered the fathers and forefathers of the Prophet Muhammad. This point does not require further proof, right? Secondly, it was the Jewish lobby that assassinated the Prophet Muhammad. You can check it out to see that I am right. Thirdly, I say – and Allah willing, I will prove – that it was the Jewish lobby that murdered Ali bin Abu Taleb.

"Fourthly, I say – and Allah willing, I will prove – that it was the Jewish lobby who was behind the murder of all the Imams.

"Regardless of who was the actual perpetrator... The Jewish lobby is the reason for the occultation of the Hidden Imam. It is the Jewish lobby that is searching for the Hidden Imam, and they might do anything in order to murder him."

I found this highly amusing article in a Jordanian site. The author, Rashid Abdul Rahman Al-Najab, has been reading the works of the late Libyan thinker Al-Sadiq Al-Nihum - who was known as a satirist - and apparently took seriously one of his satirical pieces making fun of Arab conspiracy theories. This is wild:

The global capitalist banking system began five thousand years ago at the hands of goldsmiths in Egypt, when most of the Jews' interest there turned to the banking trade and project financing. The Egyptian banks, which were controlled by the Jews, financed around the year 2400 BC the wars of the Pharaohs.

...When the Hebrews were expelled from Egypt, in the thirteenth century BC during the reign of King Ramesses II, under the influence of the hatred that had generated in the past, and not as history shows it as an escape of an enslaved people seeking freedom, the Hebrew banking capital created the idea of “the chosen people” and "The Promised Land", and the Hebrews wrote the constitution of the modern capitalist state in the arid Sinai. It is a constitution based on reducing the authority of the king, distributing administrative organs among twelve Israeli tribes and ensuring the legitimacy of usury, and even making usury a religious duty to lend to foreigners and protect banks, at a time when it was forbidden Their constitution charged usury among the Jews themselves and urged the liquidation of their debts by general discharge once every seven years.

In the era of King Solomon, in the tenth century B.C., the Jews were managing the entire economy of the Middle East, and they did not hesitate to finance suspicious projects to achieve quick profit, such as financing bars, gambling clubs, equipping pirates, and so on, and this reached an extent that made Christ enter the temple and expel money changers and usurers from its area.

Al Najab certainly doesn't present these absurd facts as satire, although he seems to know that some of them don't quite add up. He says that while the historic facts might not be exactly true, they point to the truth.

(h/t Ibn Boutros)

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Gladys Kravitz, Jewish heroine of "Bewitched"

Last year, I wrote a short essay on the Jewish themes of the classic "Bewitched" sitcom.

But there is one character in Bewitched that I omitted, and she was the most recognizable Jewish character on the show. I'm referring, of course, to neighbor Gladys Kravitz (nee Gruber), who lives with her long suffering husband Abner.

The character was played by two actresses, Alice Pearce and Sandra Gould. (Pearce had clearly "Jewish" facial features but was not Jewish; Gould was.) Kravitz was the butt of jokes on the show as the nosy neighbor who would get hysterical when she witnessed the magical goings-on at her neighbor Samantha Stevens' house, but she was never able to prove it to anyone else.

Her husband Abner had recently retired and was not interested in anything she saw, and belittled her in a way that was not unusual between couples for sitcoms of the era. However, they loved each other in their own way, although not with the public displays of affection that Samantha and Darrin would display.

But what made Gladys perhaps the most Jewish character in 1960s sitcoms was not her name or her stereotypical whiny voice.

It was that even though no one else could see it, and they all thought she was crazy, she was telling the truth. And she never stopped telling the truth even though she knew that she would be insulted, mocked and marginalized for it.

There is an old expression: "It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you." In many ways this is a Jewish motto, but it applies to Gladys Kravitz as well. She is a truth-teller in a world of both lies and those who don't want to believe the truth because it is too uncomfortable.

Gladys Kravitz is, in a way, a type of Biblical Jewish prophetess who warns others of what the reality is.

There have been other Jewish characters on TV who are the only seemingly sane people surrounded by kooks, with no one around to back them up and no friends who believe them - Joel Fleischman in the initial seasons of Northern Exposure, and Josh Segal in the hilarious Trial and Error. In those shows, the Jews are the straight men for the jokes while Gladys is the comic foil in Bewitched, but the concept is roughly the same - the Jew who has to navigate a strange world while trying to maintain their sanity.

Telling the truth in a world of lies is a lonely task. So I salute Gladys Kravitz, the sometimes shrill but usually accurate witness who tenaciously reports the truth to a world that is increasingly willing to believe lies.

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Bibi Foes, Supporters Doing Bang-Up Job Of Religion/Ideology Use As Pretext For Power (PreOccupied Territory)

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Tel Aviv, August 24 - Heavenly sources remarked today that the current issue most at the forefront of Israeli politics provides an excellent example of the exploitation of faith and principles either to seize or to maintain control, a phenomenon against which the ancient prophets railed at every turn.

Proponents and opponents of the judicial reform efforts that the government of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu have pursued this year provide a textbook case, stated Archangel Michael this morning, of people who seek power, or seek to increase or hold on to their power, by invoking the values of a religious tradition or a political ideology - when in fact neither the ideology nor the religion represent what motivates the leadership of any such faction; the "values" serve only as a tool to convince the masses to support the faction's favored policies.

"The notion that even a king must remain subject to higher values already appears in the book of Deuteronomy," Michael observed. "He must write and always carry a Torah scroll, to remind him that he represents something greater, and that his and his dynasty's wearing of the crown is contingent on adherence to that greater system."

"That sensibility continues into the later prophets," continued Michael. "Isaiah and Jeremiah, in particular, spilled much ink calling out the exploitation of civil and religious authority by kings, nobles, false prophets, and the wealthy, even as the latter set kept citing exalted principles to justify the practices and policies that kept them on top, or helped them oust others. Lo and behold, Netanyahu values retaining his premiership over any ideological or religious principles he might invoke to support that; his opposition has attempted for years and years to wield every political issue as a weapon to dislodge him and to supplant him - only to govern more or less as he did when they got the chance."

"It's the claims of 'defending democracy' for me," added Archangel Gabriel. "That's basically the declared religion of so many, but each faction or leader defines the term in a self-serving way, whether it's exploiting populism and 'the will of the people' to attain political ends or appealing to unelected justices' self-arrogated power to undermine the express will of the people. It exactly mirrors idolatry, which is, in practice, the worship of power."

"Humans like to think they've grown past such primitive notions," chuckled Uriel, with a shake of the head. "The classic truths are eternal truths for a reason."

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Wait, Is It 'Israel = The Nazis' Or 'Nazis Didn't Do The Holocaust'? (PreOccupied Territory)

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Wait, Is It 'Israel = The Nazis' Or 'Nazis Didn't Do The Holocaust'?

by Owen Fairchild, Jeremy Corbyn acolyte

London, August 17 - We anti-Zionists who are definitely not antisemites often face a dilemma when formulating our rhetoric regarding Israel's treatment of Palestinians: when we invoke the Third Reich and its treatment of Jews, we want everyone to view today's Zionist Jews as turning into the Third Reich, but that means conceding the comprehensive, historic evil of the Reich's genocidal machine - which in turn contradicts the insistence prevalent in our circles - and widespread in Palestinian society - that the Reich perpetrated a genocide against Jews, because any acknowledgement of Jewish suffering clouds the picture we wish to paint of absolute Jewish perfidy and evil, contrasted with absolute Palestinian innocence and virtue. You see the dilemma.

Allowing that Jews might deserve protection from Nazis opens the way toward allowing that a Jewish State, where Jews can protect themselves and not rely on the whims of host cultures to do so, might have justification. We cannot allow that, because it implies sympathy for Jews and the implication that Jews have rights - Jewish rights necessarily contradict Palestinian rights. To further that point we must portray Jews and Nazis as congruent, which in turn allows that the Nazis were the greatest evil known to history, but that, problematically, concedes that the Nazis did what the Jews claim the Nazis did to the Jews, and that automatically establishes that Jew suffered and need protection.

To put it another way, Holocaust denial, which enjoys a robust adherence in both pro-Jeremy and pro-Palestine circles (yes, the Venn diagram of those two groups would be a circle within a circle), softens the impact of the "Israelis are the new Nazis" charge, because if the Nazis didn't systematically kill all those Jews, then why were the Nazis so bad, or at least, why are they any worse than any other conquering or totalitarian force?

Unfortunately, we try to have it both ways; fortunately, the sympathetic Western media elite seldom call us out on the inconsistency. We have been fortunate enough to have them carry the two parts of our message, which more more less amounts to "The Nazis didn't do to the Jews what the Jews accuse them of doing, but we very much wish they had and are looking for any pretext to accomplish that in the Nazis' stead."

I know that putting it in those terms sounds wrong somehow, but we can count on our friends in politics, journalism, commentary, and the "human rights" community to phrase it more palatable, even virtuous, terms, à la "From the River to the Sea, Palestine Will Be Free."

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Report: Environmental Terrorism OK When Palestinians Do It (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Hermesh, August 10 - A consortium of ecological-activism organizations released a study this week containing what many scientists consider a surprising finding: that when Palestinian rioters loft incendiary balloons or kites from the Gaza Strip that land in Israel and ignite brush fires, or when Palestinians directly start brush or forest fires near Jewish communities and cities, that has no observable effect on carbon emissions, biodiversity, the water supply, climate change, or other important phenomena at the center of global ecology activism.

The journal Justice, Indigeneity, Health, And Diversity (JIHAD) ran an article in the August 6 issue highlighting the peculiarities of Palestinian use of arson to resist Zionism, in which the authors asserted several counterintuitive data points: that the use of such fire, which has destroyed hundreds of acres of brush and woodland in Israel, along with unknown quantities of fauna, represents an authentic indigenous technique to combat the invader, presumably in this case foxes, jackals, hyraxes, several species of fallow deer, and hoopoe birds; that atmospheric pollution only counts when produced by Western countries, a hypothesis raised by other scientists in the context of China, but whose mechanism remains poorly understood; and that Palestinian arson produces potential ecological benefits, such as reduction of overpopulation, specifically of Jews, a problem that has plagued Palestinians and their allies since the 1930's.

"Our research found that Palestinian brush fires aimed at Israelis do not follow the typical 'rules,' if you will, of the wildfire phenomenon elsewhere," the article stated. "Whereas almost anywhere else, we seek to identify the cause of, mitigate, and prevent fires through efforts to reduce the climate change and the anthropogenic factors that contribute to it, in the case of Palestine, the opposite approach is indicated."

"Palestinians should be lighting more fires, burning more tires, sending more incendiary devices into Israeli kindergartens via kites and helium balloon," the authors urged. "Those measures will not only reinforce the embattled, endangered indigenous ways of knowing and resisting, which we know are of utmost importance in maintaining human diversity, but will, in fact, reduce carbon emissions, lower sea levels, bring back extinct species, replenish atmospheric ozone, dissolve the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, eliminate oceanic microplastics, increase worldwide recycling, filter out dioxins from the air, clear up pollutants from ground water, and render human energy production fully renewable by 2040."

"OK, maybe not all of those things, but they are more likely than a Palestinian state."

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