Thursday, December 25, 2025
Elder of Ziyon
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“Settler-colonialism is a uniquely evil framework,” declared Alex Soros, director of the Center for Global Atrocities That We Feel Comfortable Talking About Loudly. “It’s the deliberate replacement of an indigenous population with an invading settler society that claims the land as its eternal birthright. Utterly unforgivable. We have reports, infographics, viral TikToks—everything you need to be furious about it.”
The room erupted in vigorous nodding until a junior researcher timidly raised her hand and asked whether the same logic might apply to Turkey’s 1974 invasion of Cyprus, the subsequent displacement of 200,000 Greek Cypriots, and the ongoing importation of mainland Turkish settlers to permanently alter the island’s demographics.
The panel fell silent. Someone dropped a reusable water bottle.
Soros cleared his throat. “We’re… we’re almost certain there’s an exception in Turkey’s case,” he said, rifling through a binder labeled “Complicated Geopolitics We Hope No One Brings Up.” “It’s in here somewhere. Probably near the section on why Saudi Arabia isn’t technically a theocracy.”
A representative from Amnesty International chimed in helpfully: “Could be under ‘NATO Allies Get One Free Colonialism’ or maybe ‘Things We’ll Address Right After Qatar Hosts Another World Cup.’”
Sources confirmed the NGOs have been searching for the elusive Turkish Exception since at least 1923, when the Treaty of Lausanne mysteriously failed to include the clause reading “Turkey May Do Whatever It Wants Forever, No Takesies-Backsies.” Undeterred, the organizations have launched a multinational task force code-named Operation Where Did We Put That Darn Exception to comb through dusty archives, EU negotiation footnotes, and the bottom of various interns’ backpacks.
“It’s definitely around here somewhere,” insisted Hugo Beaumont of Human Rights Watch, holding up a 1987 memo that appeared to be a lunch order. “See? It says ‘kebab.’ That’s practically the same thing.”
When pressed on Turkey’s treatment of Kurdish communities—decades of forced displacement, village destructions, and demographic engineering that bear eerie resemblance to the very practices NGOs condemn elsewhere—the panel adopted a unified expression of thoughtful concern.
“That’s different,” Beaumont explained. “Those are… internal matters. Or security issues. Or ancient hatreds. Pick one. The point is, it’s super complicated, unlike the very simple and clear-cut situations in places we’re allowed to criticize.”
The conference concluded with a heartfelt pledge to keep looking for the exception, possibly behind the couch of realpolitik or under the rug of strategic Black Sea access. In the meantime, the NGOs urged the public to focus anger exclusively on settler-colonial projects that do not involve a country controlling vital migration routes to Europe.
“We’ll find it eventually,” Soros reassured reporters as he packed up his MacBook covered in “Land Back” stickers. “And when we do, you’ll all feel silly for ever doubting there was a perfectly good reason Turkey gets to keep doing colonialism. Until then, please direct all questions to our robust and totally consistent positions on other countries.”
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