Sydney Sweeney's Boobs A Mossad Plot (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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New York, July 31 - Media furor surrounding the denim attire and the absolute gazongas on an actress who modeled for a prominent fashion label in a campaign launched last week has focused on the alleged white supremacist coding of the imagery - an attractive blonde in jeans and a matching top - instead of what online experts contend is its true function: to render Americans so obsessed with the model's ample bosom that they fail to notice the creeping, sinister takeover of America by Jewish interests.

Renowned users on social media platforms such as X struggled over the last week to maintain awareness that Sydney Sweeney's boobs are a Mossad plot, even as those users found themselves drowned out by apoplectic progressives insisting her ample jugs and low-melanin hair signal racism on the part of American Eagle Outfitters, the company whose ads now feature Ms. Sweeney.

The loudest Mossad-aware voices in social media expressed frustration with these developments. "Just when we thought we were getting somewhere with the 'Gaza is starving' narrative," complained Nick Fuentes, "the Mossad comes in with hooters. And people eat it up! Who needs hooters? I mean, I love cans! I'm not gay. I'm not!"

Pro-Palestine figures sounded a similar note. "This is must be an attempt to distract the American public from the atrocities in Gaza," charged Alonso Gurmedi. "Why, just today, the occupation forces killed another eight hundred thousand Palestinian children! Did I say eight hundred thousand? I meant eight hundred million. And yet the Western brains focus only on the ta-tas. Leave it to the Mossad to know exactly how to exploit your weaknesses."

"That rack, though," he conceded.

Activists fear that any forty-eight-hour period in which Palestinian victimhood is not front-page and leading-item news is a failure, explained media analyst Tim Walz. "Personally, I don't get the appeal of the campaign," he noted. "Not my thing. A woman of color, or of size, you know, maybe that wouldn't have been as tone-deaf. Or perhaps a man! Yes. A man. Anyway, what were we talking about? Right. Those poor Palestinians! We can't let the world's attention focus on anything else! Not even sweater puppies. Ooh! Puppies!"

"Silly me, getting distracted. Free Palestine!"

Israeli officials declined to comment on the veracity of the accusations. They did, however, refer a reporter to a trove of resources containing images of IDF women in tight uniforms and in various combat and non-combat poses.

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