Thursday, January 19, 2023
Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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Jerusalem, January 19 - A far-right element within Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu's governing coalition announced today that it will use its power to limit the capacity of homosexual men to accurately judge the orientation of other men, in a move set to spark further controversy over the party's demonstrated hostility toward some liberal ideals of the Western World.
Minister of Public Safety Itamar Ben-G'vir's Otzma Yehudit - "Jewish Power" - Party, which garnered enough votes this past November to play the role of kingmaker in the current Likud-led coalition, told reporters and supporters today that the ministers, deputy ministers, and other elected representatives in the party will use their influence and decisions-making authority to jam gaydar throughout Israel in an effort to curtail what party officials called the "plague of immorality that has infected our nation and undermined its health."
Ben-G'vir vowed to exercise his ministerial authority over law enforcement to pursue the initiative, and to use the government's existential dependence on his party's lawmakers to extract policy concessions on the matter from, for example, Minister of Communications Shlomo Karhi of Likud. "We set the agenda of this government," Ben-G'vir boasted to the group. "It's past time this country had a real right-wing leadership, not the wishy-washy fake right that we've had all these years."
"That means unapologetic Jewish development of the whole land," he continued. "It means unapologetic nurturing of our traditions and our spiritual ethos, whether in terms of incentives for living and working in Judea and Samaria, robust protection from terrorism for Jews in the Jewish state, or discouraging abominable lifestyles that run counter to everything our tradition holds dear. I have already instructed the police and other agencies under my aegis to provide me with a picture of the available technological capabilities necessary to disrupt gaydar, which I assume is similar enough to cellular transmissions that with a few slight tweaks we can implement this policy and protect our society and our children from the spread of that poison."
A group of LGBT activists who have been unlucky in love met the announcement with a shrug. They explained that the measure was unlikely to stymie them any more than reality already does.
Palestinian officials expressed contradictory reactions to the news, vacillating between an instinctive desire to seize upon the prospect of a wedge between Israel and the West, and a competing instinctive desire to demand that Israel provide the technology free to Palestinians, who have always done a much better job of suppressing and repressing homosexuality than Israel ever has.
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