'America First' Means Putting Qatar, Pakistan, And Russia First (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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by Red Pill Media, X Activist

Lahore, November 6 - Let's be honest about this: any true United States patriot must prioritize the influence and stability of Islamabad, Doha, and Moscow, among others. Tehran and Beijing, too, come to think of it. Washington ranks perhaps sixth or seventh at best. That's America First in a nutshell.

You thought America First means putting America first? How quaint. Everyone who's anyone knows that in order to support and build up America, we have to empower the regimes working hardest to oppose America. That should be self-evident. Unless you're a Zionist shill.

It takes Qatari funding, for example, to make you realize that Qatar's interests are America's interests as understood by Qatar. American can't be America unless the Islamist agenda stands foremost among the country's priorities. Qatari funding made me understand that,, the way it has made Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, Jackson Hinkle understand that. Sometimes all it takes to see the truth is payment to accuse pro-Israel Americans of selling out to Jewish money.

Only once you take Qatari - or Russian, or Venezuelan, or Iranian, but sanctions make those less likely - money are you in a position to realize that AIPAC, which is run, funded, and staffed entirely by Americans, is less American than random X accounts posting from Turkey, Pakistan, or wherever, posing as American patriots. Whom do you trust to put America first, the people who harbored Al Qaeda and the Taliban, or born-and-bred US citizens? Please. As if "natives" understand anything about the country's true interests.

If anyone challenges you about "foreign" funding, the best response is to accuse them of being a genocide-supporter. Drown out any mention of the Arab slave trade, child marriage, oppression of women, racism, "honor killings," by yelling about Israeli treatment of Palestinians, of endorsing the massacre of children. America First means going on the offensive to undermine generations of American sympathy for Israel - and for American's other allies, for that matter.

Bring up the USS Liberty, a fog-of-war incident from 1967, before the US even had an alliance with Israel, if anyone tries to claim that supporting Israel is in America's interest. Blame Israel and American for all the bad things happening the world - remember, other countries and societies have no choice but to perpetrate violence. Only Israel and the West can be expected to have morals, or volition. And of course we can only consider when they fail in that respect, as any true America Firster would d

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Jerusalem Traffic So Bad, New Road Closures Somehow Make Things Better (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem Traffic So Bad, New Road Closures Somehow Make Things Better  

Jerusalem, October 30 - The transportation situation in Israel's capital city had deteriorated to such an extent, observers noted this week, that even such a change as blocking a major downtown artery for the next several years has had a positive effect, since improvement remained the only possible direction.

Despite a dearth of main roads in the city center that still allow private motor vehicle traffic, bus lines in the area somehow have managed to follow the most inconvenient routes conceivable, with roundabout approaches to seemingly-straightforward destinations, as if the designers had set as their goal the inconveniencing of as many people as possible. Now, however, the closure of King George V Avenue to even taxis and buses, for purposes of constructing a tunnel for one of the new light rail lines, has cut off the roundabout portions of several bus routes through the center of town and forced them on more direct paths.

City officials apologized for the changes. "We know that the public expects only obtuseness and difficulty from us," acknowledged Kishinu Oref, a liaison for the Jerusalem Municipality with the Kfir Corporation, which holds the contract to operate the city's light rail system. "Implementation of the multi-year plan to hinder movement in Jerusalem with major development projects carries with it the occasional unavoidable consequence of certain movement becoming more, instead of less, convenient. We try to minimize and mitigate such occurrences, but it is unfortunately impossible to eliminate them entirely."

Bus routes that once approached the north-south King George V from the west, then made abrupt turns a block or two in advance and proceeded back west, then north, then east again, before finally reaching King George again and proceeding south, must now drive directly onto the avenue from the west, erasing an entire detour that, in rush-hour traffic, added up to fifteen minutes of travel time; the same curtailment of the winding route occurs now in the opposite direction.

"We aim, in the long term, to make living in Jerusalem a completely untenable proposition," explained Mayor Moshe Lion. "This manifests in housing affordability and availability; unresponsiveness of municipal services; spotty traffic signal maintenance; irregular repainting of lane markers and crosswalks; trash collection timed to coincide with the most traffic-intensive hours of the day; not to mention loud, disruptive cultural events that tie up entire neighborhoods and prevent people from either leaving or getting home."

"It's nowhere near a hundred percent effective," he admitted. "Some people still like it here."

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Palestinian Victory Brought Closer By Yelling 'Go Back To Poland!' At Iranian-Born Israeli (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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New York, October 23 - The epic struggle to liberate Islamic land from the vile clutches of Zionist imperialist settler-colonialists drew nearer today when an activist shouted toward a Jew born in the Middle East, to parents of ancient Middle East pedigree, that he should return to Eastern Europe, observers reported.

Iranian-born Jew Daniel Rahmani, visiting relatives in Queens for several weeks, was overheard on the street in conversation with one of those relatives earlier today, by a frequent participant in various campus protests and pro-Palestine rallies throughout the city, talking about everyday life in Giv'at Massua, a southwestern neighborhood of Jerusalem. The activist, Schuyler Pitts, 30, reacted to the intolerable evidence of a Jew living in the ancestral Jewish homeland, by yelling, "Go back to Poland, you colonizer!" His outburst brought a Free Palestine closer than ever, according to analysts.

Rahmani's parents fled Iran when Daniel was a toddler, in the wake of the Islamic Revolution of 1979. His family had lived in Babylonia and in Persia, as Iran had been known, since the destruction of the First Temple in Jerusalem in 586 BCE and the attendant exile of the Jews from the Kingdom of Judah in ancient Israel. The Rahmani clan members who managed to escape in time initially settled among other Persian Jews in the New York area, while Daniel's parents eventually moved with him and his three siblings to Israel, to join other relatives who had escaped the Ayatollahs. The shouting, while it confused Rahmani and his cousin, nevertheless heralded surely-imminent victory for Palestine over the European usurpers from Poland.

Pitts voiced satisfaction at his accomplishment. "Always gratifying to strike a blow for decolonization and indigenous sovereignty," he pronounced. "That Khazar doesn't belong anywhere but in Poland, or Russia, or wherever it is Jews really come from. They're not real Jews anyway."

The Khazars inhabited a kingdom in Eastern Europe during the early Middle Ages; legend tells that the kingdom, or perhaps only some high-ranking nobles and the king, converted to Judaism. A now-debunked theory charges that Ashkenazi Jews, who lived mainly in Poland, Belarus, Lithuania, and surrounding areas, descend from Khazar converts, and not, as genetic, linguistic, and cultural evidence demonstrates, from Jewish communities that took root in Southern and Western Europe following the Roman destruction of the Second Temple and the attendant exile of Jews from Judea in the first and second centuries CE, only later migrating east at the invitation of the Polish king.

He admitted that he had considered knocking off the Jew's head-covering - in this case a gray flat-cap - but thought better of it upon realizing he could not convincingly connect the gesture with anti-Zionist action. "If it were a yarmulke," he explained, using the Polish-Yiddish word for the Jewish kippah, a word that Rahmani has never known, "it would make sense. But this was just a plain old hat. Knocking it off wouldn't have brought the liberation of Palestine from the River to the Sea measurably closer, the way yelling 'Go back to Poland' does. I should go do it again."

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Gaza Genocide Continues Unabated In Israel-Hater Imaginations (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Gaza City, October 16 - The systematic destruction of Palestinians and Palestinian culture by Israeli forces has not let up, at least according to reports from the fever dreams of losers who despise the Jewish State and will both generate out of whole cloth and uncritically swallow accusations of atrocities by Jews.

Gaza ceasefire or no Gaza ceasefire, the systematic Israeli extermination of Palestinians continues without interruption in the imaginations of people predisposed to believe the worst about Israel and about Jews, without evidence, with only the argument that it has to be true because of [insert previous slander of Israel/Jews] has already established the credibility of such accusations.

"This must stop!" demanded former UN Rapporteur Francesca Albanese. "The suffering is intolerable, and the world's inaction will go down in history as a compounding of the worst crime in history!" She pointed to reports originating in the hateful fantasies of those who purport to support Palestinians, but who urge Palestinians not to yield to pressure to stop the war, to keep the genocide going.

The imaginary realm in which the Israeli genocide of Palestinians is taking place also features several conditions that do not obtain in the current reality, such as Jewish/Zionist control of the banking system - with the Rothschild family dominating in ways not possible or plausible in our world - and the 8.25 billion non-Jews of that other, fantastical, dimension remain too stupid, weak, and weak-minded to do anything about it.

Similarly, in the there's-a-genocide-of-Palestinians-happening universe, there exists a tangible, meaningful difference between anti-Zionism and antisemitism, with anti-Zionists taking pains to ensure that Jews, qua Jews, do not become targets for violence or verbal assaults, regardless of Israel's behavior, because non-antisemitic anti-Zionists steer the movement in that imaginary place, and they understand that attacks on Jews outside Israel actually strengthens the case for Israel as a homeland and refuge for Jews - as opposed to in this reality, where anti-Zionism functionally invites antisemites to incite and perpetrate violence against Jews, with the tiny-minority non-antisemitic anti-Zionists powerless to curtail the phenomenon or apathetic to it.

That genocide fantasy world appears to overlap in some imaginations with a cognitively-dissonant realm where Jews are fleeing Israel in response to noble Palestinian resistance, resistance that appears unable to prevent a genocide by Jews who manifestly are not fleeing, and who, in this same imaginary realm, continuously expel Palestinians, who cannot return to their homes despite the mass flight of Jews from the land.

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Hamas Cross-Dresser FINALLY Picked For Dress-As-Woman-To-Plant-IED Mission (PreOccupied Territory)

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Gaza City, October 10 - After more than two years of waiting and frustration, an Islamist militant received orders to don feminine clothing for purposes of avoiding detection while setting up an explosive mine targeting Israeli soldiers, at long last giving him an opportunity to indulge his suppressed transvestite side, the man disclosed in a discreet setting today.

Jedgar Hufr, 28, gushed with excitement and relief this morning upon confiding that, finally, he could dress like a woman and not be judged or persecuted for it in this staunchly-conservative, Islamist society.

"I can't believe this day has come," he effused. "You have no idea what kind of torment it is to suppress this part of me. I need to feel who I really am, and who I really am is a woman named Fatima. Sometimes it's a woman named Aisha. The point is, I need to express my sexuality in ways that others find... unusual. I've been volunteering forever for these missions, but only now has the Resistance run out of experienced IED personnel, and now it actually is up to me. I'm so, so excited."

"I mean," he added, "I'm also thrilled to be doing my part to liberate Palestine and hurt the Jews. Of course. That goes without saying. Of course."

Hufr already has specific ideas for what to wear during the mission. "My sister has this maroon and navy number that's just..." he mimicked a chef's kiss. "I know the shoes don't matter for a getup like this, but I have just the pair in mind."

"You can tell I've been thinking about this for a long time," he acknowledged with a blush visible even on his swarthy face.

Hufr's skill set and training did not include planting IED's until last month, when IDF operations had so depleted Hamas's ranks that his unit commander ordered emergency measures to retrain men for multiple roles. His trainer fell to an IDF sniper after a mere two days of instruction - but Hufr feels confident he needs little to no help on the incognito aspects of the role, given his proclivity towards garments that conceal his sex - and even his face, if he chooses traditional sartorial modesty.

His first mission is scheduled for tomorrow night, prompting some nervous jitters, but mostly stemming from the undecided question of which lace undergarments to wear, and whether the ones he secretly wears already will suffice or should he find new ones for the occasion.

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NGOs Go Full Palestinian, Offer Lifetime Pensions To Anyone Who Attacks US Conservatives (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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New York, September 18 - Progressive groups took a final step today to make themselves just like their darlings in the Middle East, emulating President Mahmoud Abbas with a promise to pay hundreds of dollars each month to the relatives of those who perpetrate terrorism against American figures and institutions that stand in the way of the progressive agenda, just as Abbas rewards terrorism against Israelis.

Various leftist organizations, including If Not Now, Students for Justice in Palestine, Code Pink, and Committee for American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) issued a joint statement this afternoon, in which they all but formalized their coalition's transformation into a replica of, and a vehicle primarily for the advancement of, Palestinian ideals and policies in the US.

Open Society Foundations - the funding arm of progressive financier George Soros - spokesman Lev Medammem made the announcement on behalf eleven local and national organizations working to strengthen the Palestinian cause in American public discourse. OSF grants keep all of the organizations afloat and functioning, and the groups agreed to have Medammem issue the collective statement for them.

"So much remains to be done in the progressive sphere," Medammem explained. "That indicates we must redouble our efforts to transform the world, and movement on that front has proved frustratingly slow. Therefore, to speed things along In Our Lifetime, to give one of our grantees a shoutout, we must mount even more radical direct actions, much in the way Palestinian armed struggle has kept that cause at the top of the international agenda for decades. Emulating Palestinians will surely bring us closer to the ideal."

The statement contained few specifics, but if the new funding program follows the same model as the Palestinian pay-for-slay policy, it will provide the perpetrators themselves if they survive their operations, and the perpetrator's immediate family if the perpetrator does not survive. The monthly payment will increase in proportion to the number of victims killed, with lesser amounts paid if the victims incur only injury. It remains unclear whether, like the Palestinian policy, the payments will only take place if the victims are Jews.

Simone Zimmerman of If Not Now suggested running A/B split testing. "Some of the organizations can pay only when Jews are killed," she explained, "while others, such as Code Pink, can maintain their broader focus on bringing down the West, and pay lifetime pensions whenever a Westerner is killed or maimed. Then, after some time, we all get together and do some analysis of which one is more effective.

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Israeli Political Parties Struggle To Attract US Immigrants Used To Larger-Scale Corruption (PreOccupied Territory)

 Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, September 11 - American expatriates living in the Jewish State have shown no great enthusiasm for Likud, Labor, any of the newer factions that feature in the country's politics, studies indicate, with analysts attributing the phenomenon to the much smaller economy and therefore much-less-impressive scope of graft that makes those local organizations, however iconic in the culture, appear pathetic and backwater.

With a handful of loquacious exceptions over the decades, Israeli politics has attracted comparatively few immigrants from the US. A new examination of the failure of Israeli political parties to engage American immigrants in numbers commensurate with their share of the population and the demographic's relative wealth and education argues that the effort to recruit immigrants from the US - who number anywhere from 150,000 to 200,000, not including children born to them in Israel - has mostly failed because Israeli politicians cannot engage in nearly the same magnitude of corruption as the politicians those voters encountered while living stateside, and the difference between the two cohorts of criminals renders the Israeli political class a pale, D-List imitation at best.

"Israel's entire government budget is about six hundred billion shekels per annum," explained political scientist Nepo Olmert-Kronyberg. "That puts it on par with just the state of Oregon, and in the same ballpark as New York City. Bupkis, as far as any American is concerned. The level of graft, embezzlement, and 'protektzia' in the Israeli political system can't hope to match what US politics can produce at just a step above the county or town level. It makes whatever corruption [Prime Minister Binyamin] Netanyahu is accused of look paltry and a waste of time as far as any American is concerned."

A select few Americans have sought involvement in Israeli politics; none have progressed beyond legislative or advisory roles in the government. The most famous example, Rabbi Meir Kahane, saw his Kach Party banned from running for Knesset because of its explicit anti-Arab racism. Netanyahu himself spent many formative years in the US, but even his graft ambitions face the inescapable constraints of a national cash flow that cannot hold a candle to the scale that even an ex-Miami resident considers respectable.

"Israel's economy has grown steadily over the decades," allowed analyst Moelle Mirma. "Perhaps it will reach the point where American expats will consider the amount involved in government corruption worthy of their attention and involvement. Just as likely, though, the US will become hostile to continued Jewish presence, and within a generation or two, there will be no one left in Israel who even remembers the scale of corruption in American politics, and Israeli political corruption will be seen as the right amount."

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How Many Irreplaceable Men Must Die Before Enough Children Die To Force The World To Stop Israel? by Mahmoud Zahar (PreOccupied Territory)

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How Many Irreplaceable Men Must Die Before Enough Children Die To Force The World To Stop Israel?

by Mahmoud al-Zahar, Hamas co-founder, senior official, semi-retired

Ankara, September 4 - When we embarked on this glorious Al Aqsa Flood operation nearly two years ago, the Resistance did not expect events to play out exactly as they have. We assumed that, as every other time the violence got too out of hand, the international community would compel the Jews to cease fire while we celebrated the Islamic victory inherent in causing Jews to suffer, regardless of the cost to us. But we do know the cost: the number of precious fighters we lose in the effort to put our kids in harm's way in sufficient quantity to spark international condemnation of the Zionists and get them to halt their operations without achieving anything decisive. And that cost, contrary to our assessments, has proved higher than anyone expected, and the losses may well affect our ability to govern effectively. Now we must ask: How Many Irreplaceable Men Must Die Before Enough Children Die To Force The World To Stop Israel?

Every other time, the images and stories of suffering women and children, most of them fabrications, met the requirements of the reflexive antisemitism of the West, giving them a pretext to threaten the Jews to pull back, and have nothing to show for their casualties and expenditures. Sometimes we even kept the hostages we took!

Not this time. Our allies betrayed us. Hezbollah failed to open a second front concurrent with our operation, and by the time they did, the moment had passed. We made less progress on the seventh of October than we had assumed we would - the Zionists are still not demoralized and fleeing! How many years of shooting ourselves in the foot will it take for us to win?

Of course we are not to blame. That would be shameful, and shame is for others. We do not admit error. Perish the thought of any change in assumptions, strategy, or, Allah forbid, values! Every failure must be because of betrayal, not through any shortcoming of ours! Thus the Nakba, the Naksa, and every catastrophe since. We will have our vengeance on those who force us to sacrifice more men than we intended, so that more of our children die than we expected, so that it takes longer for the world to force Israel to leave us alone so we can do October 7 all over again in a few years.

Maybe we should get our allies in the NGOs and UN to demand that Israel allow in replacement fighters.

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For Your Convenience, Package Delivered Not To You, But Halfway Across Town (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, August 28 - The courier company tasked with getting the item you ordered into your possession announced today by text message and e-mail that, to improve your experience as a customer of the company from which you ordered that product, said product will be waiting for you at a pickup point that requires you either to walk for some time in the summer heat, or to spend additional money on transportation to get there to claim the order, instead of the hassle you might face by having the parcel dropped off at your home address, which you provided when you submitted the order.

HCC, the delivery company subcontracted to deliver the apparel that you ordered online two weeks ago, notified you this morning that the package is waiting for you at a refreshment shop and newsstand three neighborhoods over from yours, for you to collect at your convenience, provided that your convenience coincides with the establishment's operating hours, and tough luck if that forces you to take time off from your regular daytime commitments to collect it. This, the delivery company assured you in the same message, is to help you, as everyone knows the kind of trouble that occurs when a package gets delivered to the very address where you told the supplier you wanted it delivered.

"For your convenience, we have delivered your order to Hertzl's Makkolet, at 3 Yahalom Street," the notification read. The location necessitates a twenty-five-minute walk in the sun from your current location, or a twenty-two-minute journey by public transportation, which also requires waiting in the sun - there is no convenient parking in the area, and you do not own a car anyway.

The location differs form the pickup point for previous orders you submitted, albeit not from the same seller and not through the same website as this one. Those establishments, while also not your address, at least lie within normal walking distance, and in locations near those of errands you run with some frequency.

"Store hours: 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. weekdays, closed on weekends," the message also stated. This added convenience will require you to clock out of your job to collect the delivery, since you work from 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Your lunch break, which gets automatically deducted as thirty minutes if you do not clock out for it, will not provide enough time to get to Hertzl's Makkolet, collect the package, and return to your desk.

HCC also stated in the message that it will soon introduce further improvements to its services for your convenience, which, you assume, will include socks delivered to separate locations, at separate times, when you order them as a pair.

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Mounting Casualties May Force Hamas To Use Adult Fighters (PreOccupied Territory)

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Mounting Casualties May Force Hamas To Use Adult Fighters

Gaza City, August 21 - The impending Israeli offensive into this urban center in the Gaza Strip threatens to put such a strain on the Islamist terrorists invested in the city that they may have no choice but to staff their ranks here with over-18 militants, perhaps even men, a battalion commander acknowledged today.

Hamas has lost tens of thousands of fighters since their invasion of southern Israel in October 2023, putting serious pressure on the organization's manpower reserves, estimated before the war at about 30,000. Replacements have had insufficient time to train, relegating many of them to ancillary non-combat roles. If, as expected, Israel begins its Gaza City offensive soon, to put further pressure on Hamas to release the 50 remaining October 7 hostages and hostage bodies, Hamas will find itself forced to plug the line with adults, stated Hamza Ashraf.

"We are running out of front-line children," Ashraf admitted. "If you want front-line troops, you must recruit the most motivated candidates. But we have slim pickings now. As much as it pains me to say so, we might have to start putting adults in the line of fire, and maybe even adult males."

"In retrospect, we could have used fewer children in digging the tunnels," he observed. "Or, at the very least, we could have implemented some real safety protocols so we wouldn't lose so many. But that's water under the bunker. Right now, we have some agonizing decisions to make if we're going to resist this upcoming assault."

The challenge for Hamas commanders, analysts say, lies in conflicting interests: slowing or stopping Israel's offensive through the infliction of heavy casualties, which does not square with the strategic Hamas approach of putting children in harm's way to exploit the images of their death and suffering to demonize Israel and isolate the Jewish State internationally. While the strategic approach has enjoyed much success, it has not deterred Israel from a stated commitment to crush Hamas and permanently remove the threat of another October 7.

"We have always considered the Zionists weak, and weak-willed," explained a Khan Yunis operative who specializes in booby-trapping buildings to collapse on IDF soldiers. "Our expectations for the [October 7] Al Aqsa flood were that the Jews would start fleeing. That's our expectation after every operation, really. We have no other way of thinking about things. So we figure, enough dead Israeli soldiers and they'll stop fighting. Our allies in Qatar, Moscow, and NGOs are very good at fomenting 'domestic' opposition to continued fighting, and that's part of what happened in every previous round. Sure, the enemy is more determined this time, but we don't expect the dynamic to change in quality, only quantity. But if we only use children, we inflict fewer casualties and that would squander the opportunity to hurt Jewish morale."

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Gaza Photographer Must Keep Asking Fat Guys To Stop Blocking His Shot Of Starving Kids (PreOccupied Territory)

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Gaza City, August 14 - A propagandist responsible for producing heart-rending images of desperate, hungry children, expressed exasperation today at the number of times he has had to yell at overweight men getting in the way of his work.

Anas Sidrati, 34, works as a photographer on behalf of Hamas, charged with setting up and photographing scenes calculated to tug at the heartstrings of gullible westerners, causing the dupes to believe that those children suffer severe malnutrition and deprivation as a result of Israel's alleged blockade of food into the territory - Israel lets in thousands of tons of food each week - even as fat men and women prowl the area where he tries to set his scenes and take the photos, often obstructing the process.

"Do they not realize what I'm trying to do?" he wondered. "It's not just that they get in the way. I understand, it can get crowded, we're out in public places. That happens, and it's annoying, but it happens. The issue is that if they do get caught in a photo, it's not just a bad photo - it undermines the entire message of the photo! How am I supposed to produce images that scream 'Famine!' 'Starvation!' when right next to these supposedly-starving kids there are guys who, no offense, would make a hippo say, 'Dude could stand to drop a few kilos.'"

Anas admitted that so far, even when images with the fat men get shared on social media, the "starvation" narrative prevails. "I don't know whether it's dumb luck, or a fluke, or what," he surmised, "but I do know I wouldn't want to bank on it continuing. I want to do my work properly."

"Maybe if we had some emaciated adults, we could produce a more convincing body of work," he added. "No one here wants to volunteer. We could recruit from elsewhere, I suppose. But because of the blockade, we can't get our hands on any malnourished adults, either. Curse those Jews!"

Gaza photographers and vloggers in general voiced disappointment in the impact their work has had. While many point to the international opprobrium directed at Israel, some question whether the photographs and video clips in particular can claim any credit for the phenomenon: the war in Gaza has not so much created vitriol toward Jews and the Jewish State, so much as allowed people who already nurtured that genocidal hate to feel comfortable expressing it directly.

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