Gaza Photographer Must Keep Asking Fat Guys To Stop Blocking His Shot Of Starving Kids (PreOccupied Territory)

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Gaza City, August 14 - A propagandist responsible for producing heart-rending images of desperate, hungry children, expressed exasperation today at the number of times he has had to yell at overweight men getting in the way of his work.

Anas Sidrati, 34, works as a photographer on behalf of Hamas, charged with setting up and photographing scenes calculated to tug at the heartstrings of gullible westerners, causing the dupes to believe that those children suffer severe malnutrition and deprivation as a result of Israel's alleged blockade of food into the territory - Israel lets in thousands of tons of food each week - even as fat men and women prowl the area where he tries to set his scenes and take the photos, often obstructing the process.

"Do they not realize what I'm trying to do?" he wondered. "It's not just that they get in the way. I understand, it can get crowded, we're out in public places. That happens, and it's annoying, but it happens. The issue is that if they do get caught in a photo, it's not just a bad photo - it undermines the entire message of the photo! How am I supposed to produce images that scream 'Famine!' 'Starvation!' when right next to these supposedly-starving kids there are guys who, no offense, would make a hippo say, 'Dude could stand to drop a few kilos.'"

Anas admitted that so far, even when images with the fat men get shared on social media, the "starvation" narrative prevails. "I don't know whether it's dumb luck, or a fluke, or what," he surmised, "but I do know I wouldn't want to bank on it continuing. I want to do my work properly."

"Maybe if we had some emaciated adults, we could produce a more convincing body of work," he added. "No one here wants to volunteer. We could recruit from elsewhere, I suppose. But because of the blockade, we can't get our hands on any malnourished adults, either. Curse those Jews!"

Gaza photographers and vloggers in general voiced disappointment in the impact their work has had. While many point to the international opprobrium directed at Israel, some question whether the photographs and video clips in particular can claim any credit for the phenomenon: the war in Gaza has not so much created vitriol toward Jews and the Jewish State, so much as allowed people who already nurtured that genocidal hate to feel comfortable expressing it directly.

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Culture That Made Jews Sit Through Weekly Anti-Jewish Sermons Calls Israel Intolerant (PreOccupied Territory)

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Rome, August 7 - Religious leaders all over the Christian world that, for centuries, confined its Jews to ghettos and coerced them into attending Sunday church-service diatribes deeming them irredeemably perfidious, deicidal incorrigibles, continued this week to issue their longstanding characterization of Zionism and the state it founded as "Apartheid" and "racist."

Bishops, archbishops, and cardinals in the Roman Catholic Church, as well as numerous outspoken non-Catholic congregational figures, criticized Israel from their pulpits and keyboards, for mistreating the downtrodden Palestinians and committing human rights violations such as restricting Palestinian movement under the pretext of "security." Here in Rome, the papal authorities of the sixteenth century instituted a ghetto for the city's Jews, imposing a curfew and surrounding the squalid, flood-prone neighborhood with churches, monasteries, and convents where, once a week, Jews were forced to sit and endure fiery sermons denouncing them as devil-spawn and Christ-killers.

The accusations also included inversions of the hostage situation that unfolded in the Gaza Strip, with depictions of murderous and violent Palestinians in Israeli prisons as "hostages." That terminology unintentionally invoked the policy of those Christian institutions surrounding the ghetto to kidnap Jewish children and secret them away in monasteries and convents to raise them as Catholics.

Modern instantiations of earlier Christian treatment of Jews have also taken the form of the blood libel, a time-honored medieval Christian tradition that accuses Jews of making matza with the blood of a slain Christian child, resulting in massacres that local Christian leaders egged on; in its modern form, those religious leaders accuse Israel of starving the manifestly-still-overfed Gazans, or of killing Palestinian innocents who, if the incidents even occurred, died as a result of Hamas violence or Hamas use of those innocents as human shields - accusations that create a permission structure for even non-fighters to harm Jews anywhere in the world, and believe that in so doing they promote justice and righteousness.

Pope Leo XIV and his predecessor Francis - whose Renaissance predecessors directly issued the policies discriminating against the Jews of Rome - have both drawn rhetorical equivalence between brutal Palestinian terrorism and necessary Israeli measures to prevent or mitigate terrorism, calling on Jews to turn the other cheek as Christians have never done, despite Jesus urging his followers to do so in the Sermon on the Mount.

They have also urged an immediate ceasefire in Gaza, without regard for the fate of the Israelis held hostage there, a move that analysts says reflects a longstanding Christian tradition to sacrifice Jews to achieve higher goals, such as during massacres associated with the Crusades.

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Sydney Sweeney's Boobs A Mossad Plot (PreOccupied Territory)

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New York, July 31 - Media furor surrounding the denim attire and the absolute gazongas on an actress who modeled for a prominent fashion label in a campaign launched last week has focused on the alleged white supremacist coding of the imagery - an attractive blonde in jeans and a matching top - instead of what online experts contend is its true function: to render Americans so obsessed with the model's ample bosom that they fail to notice the creeping, sinister takeover of America by Jewish interests.

Renowned users on social media platforms such as X struggled over the last week to maintain awareness that Sydney Sweeney's boobs are a Mossad plot, even as those users found themselves drowned out by apoplectic progressives insisting her ample jugs and low-melanin hair signal racism on the part of American Eagle Outfitters, the company whose ads now feature Ms. Sweeney.

The loudest Mossad-aware voices in social media expressed frustration with these developments. "Just when we thought we were getting somewhere with the 'Gaza is starving' narrative," complained Nick Fuentes, "the Mossad comes in with hooters. And people eat it up! Who needs hooters? I mean, I love cans! I'm not gay. I'm not!"

Pro-Palestine figures sounded a similar note. "This is must be an attempt to distract the American public from the atrocities in Gaza," charged Alonso Gurmedi. "Why, just today, the occupation forces killed another eight hundred thousand Palestinian children! Did I say eight hundred thousand? I meant eight hundred million. And yet the Western brains focus only on the ta-tas. Leave it to the Mossad to know exactly how to exploit your weaknesses."

"That rack, though," he conceded.

Activists fear that any forty-eight-hour period in which Palestinian victimhood is not front-page and leading-item news is a failure, explained media analyst Tim Walz. "Personally, I don't get the appeal of the campaign," he noted. "Not my thing. A woman of color, or of size, you know, maybe that wouldn't have been as tone-deaf. Or perhaps a man! Yes. A man. Anyway, what were we talking about? Right. Those poor Palestinians! We can't let the world's attention focus on anything else! Not even sweater puppies. Ooh! Puppies!"

"Silly me, getting distracted. Free Palestine!"

Israeli officials declined to comment on the veracity of the accusations. They did, however, refer a reporter to a trove of resources containing images of IDF women in tight uniforms and in various combat and non-combat poses.

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Occult Spirits Employed By Israel To Neutralize Iranian Defenses Plan To Run For Knesset (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, July 24 - The jinni and other supernatural beings who, according to officials in Tehran, assisted in IDF attacks on the Islamic Republic last month, have decided to seek public office in the Jewish State, a spokesspirit for the group of demons and other such entities announced today.

The spiritual entities have already begun the paperwork to register for the next Knesset elections, stated a jinn who called himself Buraq. Depending on the fortunes of the current Netanyahu government, the next contest will take place sometime between several months from now and October of next year - giving the various specters and minions ample time to gain relocation and citizenship in Israel just as other allies have done: the Maronite soldiers of the now-defunct South Lebanon Army were absorbed in northern Israel when Israel withdrew from its security zone in southern Lebanon under Prime Minister Ehud Barak.

"It's not that we're not safe in Iran," explained Buraq. "The puny resources and forces of the mullahs cannot harm us in the slightest. The worst they can do to us is continue their incessant whining and blustering, which is enough to drive even us off the deep end. Like, make up your mind, are you the ultimate victims, or are you mighty warriors of a nascent Islamic empire?"

"We're just fed up with spending our time there, and Israel is just a better place to spend our existence - eternal or otherwise," the spirit added.

Iranian leaders and media personalities accused Israel of harnessing the spiritual beings to do its bidding during the twelve-day war between the two countries in June, when Israel neutralized Iranian air defense capabilities and struck targets with impunity via airstrikes from Israel and using drones that the Mossad assembled in Iran itself and then directed at targets.

Many commentators understood the Iranian claims as attempts to save face as the regime was exposed as an impotent windbag that less than two years ago boasted a network of proxies surrounding Israel, and now lies naked and weak with its shortcomings and powerlessness visible to the whole world.

However, the spirits disclosed, they did indeed assist Israel in conducting Operation Rising Lion, not by being recruited, induced, or harnessed in any way, but of their own volition, seeing an opportunity to help end a regime that has oppressed Iranians for more than four decades and prioritized military adventurism over the welfare of its own people.

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No One Ever Hacks *MY* Social Media Account To Post Antisemitism by Eeyore (PreOccupied Territory)

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Hundred Acre Wood, July 20 - Oh, bother.

It’s me, Eeyore, trudging through my dreary little patch of the Hundred Acre Wood, tail barely hanging on as always. I heard about poor Elmo’s X account getting hijacked the other day—some awful folks used it to spout a stream of hateful, antisemitic nonsense. Just terrible, that. Made me sit here, under my usual gray cloud, thinking. Nobody’d ever bother taking over my X account for something like that.

Nope. Not Eeyore’s. Why would they? My account’s as dull as a thistle patch in winter. If I even bothered posting, it’d just be me mumbling about a lost tail or staring at a muddy puddle. “Sky’s gray again. Figures,” I’d write, and maybe get a pity-like from Piglet, if he’s feeling extra kind. Nobody notices Eeyore’s posts. They’re all too busy with Pooh’s honey obsession or Tigger’s bouncing antics. My X account’s a forgotten corner of the internet, just like my Gloomy Place. No one’s clamoring to steal it. Too much effort for too little gain.

I suppose it’s just my lot. Elmo’s all bright and cheerful, loved by everyone, so of course someone’d want to mess with his account. Me? I’m just… Eeyore. Not worth the trouble. If someone did hack my account, they’d probably give it back out of boredom. “Here’s your sad little page, donkey,” they’d say. “Couldn’t even get a rise out of anyone.” Can’t say I’d blame them. My posts wouldn’t exactly stir up a storm. Maybe a drizzle, at best.

It’s not that I want someone to hijack my account, mind you. I’d rather they didn’t. Just saying it’s unlikely. Who’d care enough to bother with old Eeyore? I’m not the sort anyone notices, let alone targets for something so spiteful. Maybe that’s a blessing, in its own way. Still, it stings a bit, knowing I’m not even worth a villain’s time. Oh, well. Suppose I’ll just keep plodding along, tail or no tail, posting about the rain and hoping someone, someday, might care enough to comment. Probably won’t, though. That’s just how it goes for me.

Must be the Jews' fault.

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Israeli Of 100% Yemeni Jewish Heritage Excited To Be Classified As "Polish" By Anti-Zionists (PreOccupied Teritory)

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Moshav Bareket, July 10 - A resident of this central Israeli community whose grandparents came to the country in 1950 from Yemen, and who traces his ancestry on both sides to the Jews of that southern Arabian kingdom, today admitted feeling a thrill that loud people who hate the Jewish State have categorized him and his entire family as Eastern European settler-colonialists.

Yefet Uzziel, 40, told a reporter yesterday that he plans to apply for a Polish passport, now that people who obviously know their stuff have classified him as such.

"Polish has Europe's fastest-growing economy," he explained. "They don't tolerate woke nonsense the way Western European societies do, and they're really, really good at restricting illegal immigration. On top of that, they're just as suspicious of Putin as I am, and they respect the same wholesome family values as the ones with which my parents raised me, and with which I try to raise my own children."

Uzziel made the remarks after encountering keyboard warriors who urged Israeli Jews to "Go back to Poland" and called Jews "Khazarian imposters." Those epithets prompted him to rethink his assumptions that his unadulterated Yemeni Jewish extraction meant anything.

"Anti-Zionists are among the most intelligent and educated people," he noted. "And the most moral. I almost forgot to include that. If they call Israeli Jews Poles, we'd best listen. Anti-Zionists are never wrong. So next week, or as soon as I can mange, I'm making an appointment in Tel Aviv at the Polish embassy to start processing my paperwork."

"What do you think? Warsaw? Krakow? Torun?" Uzziel mused. "I can see the benefits of the cities, but I also hear the Polish countryside is beautiful and bucolic. Might have to make a pilot trip."

Uzziel is hardly alone in exploring that avenue in the wake of anti-Zionists exposing the Khazarian truth of Jewish origins. Shlomo Aflallo, who came to Israel from Ethiopia as a child in the 1980's, hopes to secure Ukrainian citizenship.

"I'm a Khazar," he insisted, pointing to a post on social media by a pro-Palestinian activist. "I've been lied to my whole life, and I want to do the right thing. Ignore my melanin. I'm as Eastern European as they come. Jews aren't Jews. Palestinians are the real Jews. Look at all the Jewish traditions and culture they've preserved since ancient times. really, I don't know what any of us were thinking all those generations, longing for a place we'd never been in, unlike fourth-generation Palestine Refugees in camps in Lebanon."

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Desperate Pro-Hamas Propagandists Resort To Looney Tunes Clips As Evidence Of IDF Atrocities (PreOccupied Territory)

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Desperate Pro-Hamas Propagandists Resort To Looney Tunes Clips As Evidence Of IDF Atrocities  

Gaza City, July 3 - The failure to date of online activists and Pallywood content creators to sway the right decision-makers into forcing Israel to stop its creeping takeover of the Gaza Strip to neutralize Islamist terrorists and secure the release of hostages in those terrorists' hands since October 2023 have changed tactics, no longer relying solely on badly-acted, over-the-top fake videos to libel the Israeli military; now they have added to their content production animated shorts lifted from classic cartoons and other productions, recaptioned in the hopes that viewers will accept that, for example, Wile E. Coyote works for the IDF and paints realistic holes on walls into which Palestinian children then crash their bicycles.

Online observers began noticing the trend last week. "It seems to be just a logical extension of some of the cartoonish accusations they fling at Israel," explained media commentator Hugh Shiddenme. "It began subtly, with simple fabrications of atrocities, such as targeting hospitals, massacring people gathered for humanitarian aid, that kind of thing. But that wasn't working, so the propagandists felt forced to produce more outlandish accusations. Thus, just in the last couple of weeks, allegations that Israel was poisoning flour delivered to Gaza by putting in opioid pills. There were even photo of pills surrounded by flour. Hey, if THAT doesn't convince you..."

"Well," he continued, the accusers neglected to consider that any poisoner worth his salt would have ground up the pills into the flour. But the caricature they have of Jews and Israelis shuts down any critical thinking. It wasn't much more of a logical leap to the next accusation to make the rounds, that of Israel baiting Gazans with packages of sugar in shallow depressions, then burying anyone who took the bait, using armored bulldozers. Because, you know, the most efficient way to kill a nation - this is supposed to be a genocide, right? - is Rube Goldberg setups. From there, Looney Tunes clips are the next logical step, because it provides actual video, uh, evidence, of what the Hamas fans have been saying."

The new tactic has yet to yield significant results, activists acknowledge, though no detailed examination of public opinion has compared the "before" and "after" figures. Experts cautioned that rampant antisemitism around the world seems not to have any direct correlation with the quality or volume of the video productions in question.

The activists explained that skepticism of the Looney Tunes documentary evidence only proves you're a Zionist and a genocide supporter.

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Hezbollah Money Woes Continues As Internal Needs Cut Exports Of Copium (PreOccupied Territory)

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Beirut, June 26 - The Islamist Shiite militia that once exercised effective control of Lebanon on behalf of its masters in Tehran continue to suffer financial woes, observers reported today, as not only have infusions of cash and equipment from Iran almost disappeared in the last year, but the organization's own revenue-generating enterprise of trafficking in the drug copium has suffered as well, given the group's desperation for a substance that will help them stay committed amidst absolute Israeli dominance of the battle space and the shattering of any illusions that they can even remain relevant in postwar Lebanon, let alone give Israel anything more than a pathetic fight.

Hezbollah's drug-selling operations have, until recently, provided significant funding tor the group's operations and "social services" to loyalists in Lebanon, as well as its violent activities targeting both Israel and Lebanese dissenters. But with the rapid collapse of Iran's proxies and the decimation of its own military and nuclear capabilities by Israel and the United States, Hezbollah - once Iran's most powerful proxy and the most serious threat to Israel until the laughably one-sided Israeli victory against them last year - must now use its own supply of copium instead of exporting it. The unavailability of copium for export deprives Hezbollah of critical revenue to fund its other existential "resistance" functions.

Hezbollah members and supporters have consumed copium in large quantities since "Operation Grim Beeper" last year when Israel detonated the group's pagers, which had been bought specifically to bypass advanced Israeli espionage tech - except that the company that sold the devices was an Israeli front. The resulting carnage crippled Hezbollah's senior and mid-level chains of command and rendered them unable to carry out any significant operations except for launching rockets at Israeli towns - and resulting eventually in a humiliating ceasefire agreement that demanded Hezbollah withdraw its forces away from regions bordering Israel. In the meantime, Israel repeatedly decapitated the organization's leadership in airstrikes and precise intelligence showcasing how thoroughly the Jewish State had penetrated it.

Hezbollah's collapse led in turn to the fall of Syrian dictator Basher Assad, another Iran client, whose successor has cracked down on Iranian supply to Hezbollah, further weakening the Shiite militia. During the most recent Iran-Israel war, Hezbollah refused an order by Tehran to attack Israel, fearing its own complete destruction. These and other disastrous developments for the Axis of Resistance - including the smashing of Hamas and Islamic Jihad in the Gaza Strip - have sent domestic demand for copium skyrocketing and leaving none for export.

Hezbollah supporters on US college campuses assured a reporter it was all part of a plan to lull Israel into complacency and destroy it, which would work this time, unlike the other thirteen times it failed.

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Solomon Admits 'Futility Of Futilities' Punchier But Less Evocative Than 'Knesset Bloviation' (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, June 6 - The author of a profound, dark Biblical philosophical work admitted today that he made painful compromises in the composition of his signature work, chief among them a choice of wording that, while necessary to preserve readability and poetic rhythm, fails to convey the full force of uselessness that could have been carried instead by invoking people speechifying in Israel's parliament.

King Solomon, one of whose masterpieces includes the book of Ecclesiastes, with its famous refrain, "All is futility" - rendered in more archaic translations as "vanity" - lamented the necessity he felt in writing the book to sacrifice evocative depth for the sake of readability. Specifically, he pointed to the opening rhetorical salvo, havel havalim, "Futility of futilities," as an excellent, alliterative, memorable phrase that nevertheless falls short in evocative force compared to the imagery Solomon aimed to use, but "Knesset bloviations of Knesset bloviations" rolls off the tongue or quill with a distinct lack of smoothness.

"It's a shame," the king reflected. "All growth and creation in this world involve sacrifice and pain. You would know that if you studied my book, which extensively explores the phenomenon."

He then turned circumspect. "I should have expected things not to turn out perfect," he acknowledged. "Considering the focus of this book is an extended reflection on how nothing good ever lasts, and that even good things go unappreciated, so just relish the quotidian, precious little things if you want joy, however fleeting it may be, well - expecting a different outcome calls to mind someone foolish enough to keep electing corrupt narcissists to Knesset and then expressing disgust at the results."

The futility of politics gets no specific or deep treatment in Ecclesiastes, but Solomon's father David had his own documented encounter with politics complex enough for insanity to become relevant: when fleeing King Saul, David sought refuge in the Philistine city-state of Gath - when the Philistines had no affection for any Israelites, let alone the very man who had given them so much trouble in battle. David therefore drooled and wrote nonsense on the walls, prompting King Akhish to lambaste his men: "Do I lack lunatics that you bring this one to me as well?!"

"I couldn't be that explicitly sardonic in a hoity-toity philosophical work," he conceded. "Certainly not one that I composed with divine inspiration. A prophet chastising the people can get vicious and sarcastic. Not me. But I can point to a few legislators who could give the prophets a lesson or two on that kind of rhetoric."

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Trump Criticism Of Industry Full Of Jews Puts Anti-Trump Antisemites In Bind (PreOccupied Territory)

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Washington, May 29 - Jew-hating opponents of the sitting US President have found themselves facing a dilemma over the last several weeks, activists acknowledged today, now that the chief executive has chosen as a target the film industry, a bastion symbolic to them of the very people they purport to exert malignant control over that industry, placing those Jew-haters on the same side of an issue as the hated president.

Advocates of conspiracy theories that allege Jewish domination of Hollywood who also despise Donald Trump must now decide which of those enemies they see as more dangerous: whether to seize the opportunity to speak up in defense of an industry that actually pushes the progressive agenda effectively, or to exploit Trump's criticism to score points against the Jews.

The activists gave token acknowledgement to the existence of a third possibility: to say nothing. Staying quiet, however, has never represented a serious course of action in their behavior.

"Structurally, it's a familiar dilemma for anyone who dislikes Trump," explained Whoopi Goldberg, who by her own admission changed her birth name Caryn Elaine Johnson to sound more Jewish as a way to, she thought, give her better entrée in the entertainment industry. "He often gets us on the left to reflexively yell our opposition to whatever he's pushing, and that's gotten us in to some uncomfortable places: defending criminals, rapists, and violent thugs just because Trump doesn't like them. Voters see that, and we're unable to take advantage of his unpopularity because our reactions make us look like the crazy ones."

"Well, I'm not so sure about what to do now," Goldberg continued. "On one hand, it looks like there's a rising tide of legitimacy for opposition to Jews, which doesn't happen every decade in America. On the other, we've talked up the existential fascist threat of Trump so much that to suddenly agree with him seems not only jarringly out of character; it makes us look like hypocrites. I mean, that's par for the course in our line of work, but it's just more glaring this time."

The challenge, explained podcaster Hasan Piker, lies in the pattern: Trump has a knack for zeroing in on "eighty-twenty" issues, issues firmly in the American electorate's consensus, and taking a proud stance on the side of the eighty percent - and the Democrats and Democratic Party allies follow their knee-jerk reaction: characterizing as evil and destructive whatever the hated Trump supports, establishing them by default in the minority and keeping their poll numbers even lower than Trump's abysmal ratings.

"It's the Jews' fault this is happening, obviously," realized Piker.

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