Thursday, August 13, 2026


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Beirut, August 13 - After more than seven decades of hosting what were supposed to be temporary guests, Lebanese officials are signaling they may finally resolve the Palestinian refugee issue the traditional Middle Eastern way: by doing to their "guests" what the guests hoped would happen to the Jews when the guests moved out of the way to enable seven invading Arab forces plus local irregulars to wipe out those Jews.

Senior sources in the caretaker government confirmed this week that quiet discussions are underway to relocate the country’s remaining Palestinian camps — home to several hundred thousand people who still cannot obtain Lebanese citizenship, still maintain their own armed factions, and still treat large parts of Lebanon as staging grounds — onto barges and push them a few kilometers offshore.

“We’ve tried everything else,” one frustrated cabinet advisor told journalists. “We’ve given them land, ignored their weapons, let them veto our politics, and watched them start wars that destroy our cities. The Mediterranean is right there. It’s deep. It’s wet. And it’s not Lebanese territory. Perfect.”

The proposal, circulating in back channels between the army, certain Christian parties, and increasingly fed-up Shiite and Sunni politicians, would involve a phased “maritime transfer.” Camps in the south and Beirut’s outskirts would be loaded onto floating platforms and towed beyond the 12-mile limit, where the residents could continue their proud national project without the inconvenience of Lebanese sovereignty, electricity blackouts, or occasional attempts at actual governance.

Palestinian leaders in the camps reacted with predictable outrage, calling the plan “a second Nakba” and insisting that any solution short of full political control over Lebanon, the right of return to Haifa, and preferably a veto over Israeli existence remains non-negotiable. “We didn’t come here to leave,” one Popular Front official declared. “We came here to stay until the Zionist entity is gone. The sea is for the Jews.”

Lebanese public opinion, however, appears to be shifting. After years of economic collapse and Hezbollah’s wars with Israeli "occupation" as a pretext, many ordinary Lebanese have grown tired of the permanent temporary arrangement. Social media is already filled with dark jokes about “final status negotiations” involving life jackets and strong currents.

United Nations officials expressed deep concern, warning that such a move would violate international law, human rights norms, and decades of carefully-maintained Palestine Refugee industry funding - as distinct from ordinary refugees, who cannot pass that status down through the generations. One UNRWA spokesperson insisted the only acceptable solution remains the complete dismantling of Israel so the refugees can “return” to homes their grandparents fled in 1948. Lebanon’s response has been notably terse: “Your turn to host them.”

As one Lebanese general put it privately: “They keep saying they want to liberate Palestine from the river to the sea. Fine. We’ll help them start with the sea part.”



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Reclaiming the Covenant on America's 250th (May 2026)

"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024)

PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022)

   

 

 



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