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“We have no choice,” declared 23-year-old Greta Thunberg from a folding table set up in a drizzly courtyard, flanked by two solar-powered megaphones - with backup diesel generators available, given the season - and a banner that read “Solidarity Flows Both Ways (and Also Inland).” “The tweets are drying up. The Reels are barely getting 12 likes from my mother. If we don’t pivot to something fresh and photogenic, the algorithm will literally kill the planet.”
The proposed Freedom Flotilla—now officially branded “Sumud Surge: Midwest Edition”—will ride the waves created by all the icebergs that have already melted because her climate alarmism cannot be wrong, either. Organizers promise the fleet will glide effortlessly from the Baltic Sea, through the magically risen Atlantic, across the newly submerged eastern United States, into the expanded Great Lakes, and straight up a Mississippi River that, by departure date, will have become a six-lane superhighway of righteous seawater.
“The water knows what justice looks like,” explained a press aide clutching a clipboard and an oat-milk latte. “It will simply flow around anything problematic—capitalism, Zionism, borders, you name it.”
The armada’s manifest has already begun to coalesce: several German Antifa kayakers who brought their own black bloc dry bags, a handful of French philosophers tweeting live existential dread, two token Jews, one very online American grad student who keeps referring to Minneapolis as “Minne colonized,” and a core group of Hamas members. The flagship remains the same oversized rubber duck from previous campaigns, now repainted with a keffiyeh pattern and equipped with Bluetooth speakers looping a 45-minute remix of “How dare you” set to drill beats.
Upon arrival in Minneapolis, the expedition plans to: establish a “People’s Autonomous Zone” in the skyway tunnels, complete with land acknowledgments and a large stockpile of challah bread so Greta can enjoy her new favorite food; stage daily glare sessions outside the local ICE office while holding signs that read “This Is What Decolonization Looks Like (From 4,000 Miles Away);” and distribute keffiyehs and 3D-printed “solidarity paddles” to residents who promise to obstruct ICE raids at every opportunity.
Ms. Thunberg defended against critics who call her naive: "We're under no illusion that we will have smooth sailing this time of year. That is why we have contracted with a fleet of large trucks to carry our vessels on the roads if that becomes necessary."
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"He's an Anti-Zionist Too!" cartoon book (December 2024) PROTOCOLS: Exposing Modern Antisemitism (February 2022) |
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