NGOs Go Full Palestinian, Offer Lifetime Pensions To Anyone Who Attacks US Conservatives (PreOccupied Territory)

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New York, September 18 - Progressive groups took a final step today to make themselves just like their darlings in the Middle East, emulating President Mahmoud Abbas with a promise to pay hundreds of dollars each month to the relatives of those who perpetrate terrorism against American figures and institutions that stand in the way of the progressive agenda, just as Abbas rewards terrorism against Israelis.

Various leftist organizations, including If Not Now, Students for Justice in Palestine, Code Pink, and Committee for American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) issued a joint statement this afternoon, in which they all but formalized their coalition's transformation into a replica of, and a vehicle primarily for the advancement of, Palestinian ideals and policies in the US.

Open Society Foundations - the funding arm of progressive financier George Soros - spokesman Lev Medammem made the announcement on behalf eleven local and national organizations working to strengthen the Palestinian cause in American public discourse. OSF grants keep all of the organizations afloat and functioning, and the groups agreed to have Medammem issue the collective statement for them.

"So much remains to be done in the progressive sphere," Medammem explained. "That indicates we must redouble our efforts to transform the world, and movement on that front has proved frustratingly slow. Therefore, to speed things along In Our Lifetime, to give one of our grantees a shoutout, we must mount even more radical direct actions, much in the way Palestinian armed struggle has kept that cause at the top of the international agenda for decades. Emulating Palestinians will surely bring us closer to the ideal."

The statement contained few specifics, but if the new funding program follows the same model as the Palestinian pay-for-slay policy, it will provide the perpetrators themselves if they survive their operations, and the perpetrator's immediate family if the perpetrator does not survive. The monthly payment will increase in proportion to the number of victims killed, with lesser amounts paid if the victims incur only injury. It remains unclear whether, like the Palestinian policy, the payments will only take place if the victims are Jews.

Simone Zimmerman of If Not Now suggested running A/B split testing. "Some of the organizations can pay only when Jews are killed," she explained, "while others, such as Code Pink, can maintain their broader focus on bringing down the West, and pay lifetime pensions whenever a Westerner is killed or maimed. Then, after some time, we all get together and do some analysis of which one is more effective.

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