Thursday, November 17, 2022

Year 2100: NGOs Accuse Israel Of 3D-Printing Palestinian Blood For Matza (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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3D printerParis, November 17 - Human Rights groups again leveled the charge today against the Jewish State that the latter engages in the quasi-cannibalistic, quasi-murderous practice of manufacturing the likeness of Arab children's circulatory fluids and incorporating that product into the traditional flatbread Jews eat on Passover.

Human Rights Watch, Amnesty International, Btselem, and several other organizations made the accusation Thursday in a joint report they assembled from activist reports in territories that they and several activists consider under illegal Israeli occupation, while Israel and the rest of the world consider the areas either independent, self-governing non-state entities or part of the State of Israel. The report includes repetitions of older accusations, such as the "Apartheid" label that carried a coherent meaning a century ago but has now lost clear intent, and newer adaptations of familiar themes from previous reports, such as the charge that Israel creates physical replicas of Palestinian children's blood to use in matza.

"This heinous practice has been documented by activists for a thousand years," the report declared, in apparent reference to the first recorded Blood Libel, a twelfth-century incident in Norwich, England, that resulted in a massacre of Jews and introduced the phenomenon to the Europe and eventually to the Middle East. "The Occupation has consistently exploited technology to cement its hold on occupied Palestine, and the use of 3D printing for that purpose fits the same established mold."

HRW and Amnesty abandoned their global focus on human rights and political repression in the 2050's, electing to dispense with the pretense that the organizations' donors and staff paid any more than token attention to abuses that did not involve Jews as alleged perpetrators. HRW absorbed Israeli group Btselem in 2035 but maintains the organizational fiction that it constitutes a separate entity despite absolute overlap in personnel.

The groups presented their report at a press conference with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, currently serving the 95th year of his four-year term in office; he was elected in 2006. The office of President became largely ceremonial once donor countries withdrew their support amid consistent Palestinian refusal to agree to final-status talks, let alone to refrain from murderous incitement to terrorism and paying lifetime pensions to terrorists and their families. Abbas lost his main sponsor with the fall of Iran's Islamist regime decades ago, and with an iron fist, rules the offices he rents in Basel, Switzerland, using nearly a billion dollars in embezzled aid money.

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