Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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New York, September 1 - Museums, schools, libraries, and other repositories of the collective wisdom and artistic-intellectual output of the preceding generations have embarked on a program to render all such materials into indistinct, vague masses lest anyone experience negative emotional responses to an encounter with anything resembling an assertion.
Leading cultural institutions resolved this week to protect the fragile psyches of humans by turning all textual, visual, tactile, and acoustic media into blobs of undiscernible nothingness, in keeping with the burgeoning trend of avoiding offense wherever and however possible. Representatives of the institutions announced the initiative following an incident last week in which a visitor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art called all attempts to examine, study, learn from, analyze, or explain anything that came from another culture "exploitation" and "appropriation." The complaint prompted museum officials and colleagues throughout the cultural and academic world to "do better" by removing all content that could insult, or be interpreted to insult, marginalized communities.
"Our entire collection or objets d'art excludes the visually-impaired," observed Neffer Gudenov, a curator at the Met. "So we're going to get rid of it all. I understand that the New York Philharmonic will now only perform or commission works that contain no audible notes, so as not to violate the sensibilities and sensitivities of the hearing-impaired. This is a welcome change in the cultural world, a long time in coming."
The New York Times will eliminate its print and online presence, except the braille edition, an editorial announced Thursday. "We will begin to phase out our visual media - articles, photos, caricature, illustrations, advertisements, anything visual," the editorial stated. "For too long, the literate and seeing demographics have, ironically, not seen those among us who cannot see or read. Even the braille edition will come to an end by mid-2023, since the use of braille requires literacy, and that discriminate against the literacy-impaired."
The Museum of Modern Art considers itself ahead of the curve on this cultural matter. "Art went conceptual ages ago," explained Putin Yuan, a docent at MOMA. "Even some of our visual exhibits only exist temporarily, by design. We're uniquely placed to lead this evolution of empathy."
Activists hope the phenomenon expands beyond cultural output. "We can eliminate uniqueness of shape, style, color, comfort, or any indications of difference from, from example, cars," suggested one activist. "It's hurtful to the have-nots when someone else can afford more than they can, and seeing such a car, or hearing an ad for it, or somebody mentioning it, causes trauma. I don't even need to mention the exclusion of color-blind folx. If things go according to plan, we can live in a society of total equality where no one lives in an easier-to-find or easier-to-reach place than anyone else, and no one has any reason to live more than anyone else."
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