Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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Jerusalem, June 30 - Progressive American NGOs have dispatched researchers to examine the activities of Zionist programs for children in Israel during July and August with an eye toward documenting the myriad ways in which attendees learn and practice militant dispossession of Palestinians, as those NGOs have described the programs, but, unable to find real examples of that pedagogical phenomenon, the researchers have felt forced to fulfill their investigative mandate by depicting innocuous everyday activities in violent, tendentious terms such as counselors urging children to "attack defenseless sandwiches with their bare teeth."
"Each morning the children are indoctrinated to storm the facilities in which their day camps take place," wrote one IfNotNow researcher. "The program calls for parents to send the children with a 'second breakfast' or late-morning snack of a sandwich, disrupting the native comestibles of the local ecology and imposing their own culinary sensibilities on the indigenous environment."
"Staff encourage the children to cultivate a dehumanizing attitude toward Palestinian ground," another wrote, "with games such as 'tag' and 'Capture the Flag' inducing them to trample the land with their youthful - and therefore unhygienic, 'filthy,' if you will, feet, violating the sensibilities of Palestinians everywhere."
Another researcher documented the camps' disregard for Palestinian public health. "The children, as well as their supervisors, maintain a high level of physical activity that increases their carbon dioxide output, adding to climate change woe for Palestinians," she attested. "During these dry summer months, dust kicks up easily from the ground with every step. The running, stomping, skipping, and other physical activities in which these campers engage pushes particulate matter into the air that can enter the lungs of vulnerable Palestinians already weakened by Israel pumping dihydrogen monoxide into their once-bucolic villages."
Beyond the physical violence, the researchers also recorded numerous instances of ideological indoctrination, such as instilling in the children positive associations with love for their country, people, communities, and society. One researcher reminded the sixteen expected readers of his report that societies, as a rule, contain people who engage in violence.
The activists will submit their completed research to their parent organizations at the end of the month. The NGOs will then use those reports to develop promotional materials for fundraising from antisemites and for and the thus-lucrative demonization of Jewish Israelis and of those who agree with the notion that Jews have a right to exercise sovereignty in their ancestral homeland.
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