Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
Check out their Facebook page.
Umm el-Fahm, May 6 - Weeks of Arab violence against Jews in Israel have some among the Arab political leadership in the country to urge their voters to calm the situation by inflicting beatings and attempted murder only in a responsible manner.
Faction leaders of Arab parties in the Knesset and mayors of Arab locales across Israel have, in the wake of several near-lynchings of Jews in Jaffa, Ramle, and Jerusalem by Arab assailants, stated in no uncertain terms that random street violence remains out of the question, and that the only proper outlet for expressing their frustrations or ambitions lies in deliberate, careful rioting and beating Jews.
"We call on the youth of our people to cease irresponsible behavior, and on the adults among us to curb it," declared MK Mansour Abbas. "The times demand something other than random outbursts, which betray both a regrettable lack of discipline and seldom prove effective. We must train our youth to attack Jews only in a responsible fashion, and not in some slapdash or extemporized heat of the moment."
Abbas's colleague Dr. Ahmad Tibi invoked historical precedent to stress the point. "Our ancestors, some of whom are still alive, could tell you," he stated in an online video message to Arab voters in Israel. "It was Arab disunity and haphazard planning, if any, that doomed the efforts in 1947 and 48 to keep Jews at the mercy of others. This time around we must take a more measured, strategic approach, and not dismiss our enemy as just a bunch of weak, cowardly dhimmi. If we are to restore the place of the Muslim as supreme in our society, and not continue to suffer the unbearable shame of being subject to the descendants of apes and pigs, of having lost to a ragtag group of refugees and Holocaust survivors even though we outnumbered and outgunned them by a ridiculous margin, we cannot achieve that end by random acts of violence in the streets. A responsible, sober attitude will serve us better."
The Arab leaders' exhortations caused some confusion in the streets. "I need to understand," queried a hesitant twenty-year-old in Jerusalem's Sheikh Jarrah neighborhood. "If I see a Jew or two walking there, just asking to be attacked and hopefully killed, do I need to have a plan? Like how much of a plan? I already know not to bother if there are any police or soldiers in the vicinity, because, while they're pathetically ineffective at deterrence, they will get in the way before I can strike the fatal blow. If they mean more planning than that, I need more instructions, but I probably won't wait for them."