From Irene (mostly):
SquarePants Achieves Daring Infiltration of Database
Early this morning, a lonely and desperate SpongeBob SquarePants hacked the EoZ Resources database, in a daring and bold assertion of his desire for continued affiliation with the ElderOfZiyon blog.
“I had no idea Bob had such sophisticated cyber capabilities,” Elder said. “His expertise is especially astonishing given that he lives in a watery environment that causes most electronic equipment to short out.”
The security breach was discovered by the crack team of research specialists who are updating and expanding the database. When apprehended, SquarePants was attempting to insert a large photo of himself into a small field.
SpongeBob vowed that he will continue to hack the EoZ blog until allowed to return. Elder, for his part, says that he does not negotiate with terrorists.
"SpongeBob has gone rogue, and I will not reward such destructive behavior. He was a trusted member of the team for over five years, but we had to let him go," said Elder.
The Resources page, whose link is visible on the left sidebar of the EoZ webpage, is meant to provide a place where pro-Israel advocates can find information that would be helpful for contacting the media and other relevant organizations and figures. SpongeBob spammed the database with links to videos and articles about him.
“We cannot yet assess the significance of Bob’s actions. It is unlikely that they will delay the completion of the database project, which is proceeding at an improved leisurely pace,” said Elder.
U.S. President Barak Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry issued a joint statement to the press. “SpongeBob SquarePants is an entity like Jerusalem. We can neither confirm nor deny its existence.”
