Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

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Tuesday, January 05, 2021

Cartoon of the Day: Peace drives one to drink

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons....(I've been on a streak lately)

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Cartoon of the Day: Friendly competition between HRW and Amnesty

Continuing on my series of re-captioning cartoons...

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Cartoon of the Day: Maybe this year

Continuing my series of re-captioned cartoons....

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Progressives Torn As Bus Under Which To Throw Jews Fails Emissions Test (PreOccupied Territory)

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hippie van Sacramento, December 31 - Stalwarts of forward-leaning politics voiced consternation today at a new dilemma that may force them to choose as never before between the values of ecological sensitivity and steamrolling Jewish concerns in pursuit of those values.

Progressive figures across California expressed dismay Thursday after the 48-seater vehicle, under which they had intended to throw Jews while pursuing the progressive agenda, could not meet the state's air pollution limitations, the toughest such thresholds in the nation. As never before activists observed, they must decide whether to proceed in their endeavors to implement a progressive agenda if in that pursuit they do not end up harming Jewish interests.

"It's not a problem we gave much thought to," admitted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (D-NY). "All of us just kind of assumed that throwing Jews under the bus was an automatic consequence of pursuing our vision for the twenty-first century in ecology, economics, race relations, everything. But it turns out sometimes you have to go out of your way to make harming Jewish interests, or at the very least disregarding the expressed concerns of the vast majority of the American Jewish community, an outcome. We need to have some serious conversations about how far out of our way to go to ensure that outcome, and what the other costs might be to such a direction."

Previous conflicts between Jewish concerns and the progressive agenda have tended to make Jewish concerns secondary or irrelevant to the desired outcome, as when prominent progressives have declared support for Jewish sovereignty and security in the ancestral Jewish homeland to be at odds with progressive values. "It's not Israel-Palestine per se that's the issue," explained activist and Women's March founder Linda Sarsour. "My buddies in the Nation of Islam probably couldn't care less whether Israel exists, or who rules the Palestinians, just as the Arabs in Palestine couldn't care less when they were under foreign rule for many centuries. It's the Jews of America that bother Brother Farrakhan, not the Jews of Tel Aviv, although licking the latter in the teeth might also be good. No, it's about maintaining the Jew as an enemy, and as time passes, our sensibilities have increasingly painted the Jew as the source of our community's problems, because it's more convenient to blame someone else than to fix your own problems, and hey, look, the Jews are right here, always available as scapegoats."

"But this time it's a little different," she acknowledged, "because now we have to determine whether harming Jews is simply a positive side-effect of our efforts, or a goal in itself, and if the latter, then does it outweigh other progressive goals? I think we all know what the decision will be in the end, but it looks good to have a 'conversation' about it that really only involves people who want Jews to just go away with their irritating insistence that people treat them with the same humanity and respect we demand for everyone else."

Cartoon of the Day: The Buck Stops There

Continuing my recaptioning of cartoons....

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Cartoon of the Day: The NYT Job Interview

Continuing our series of recaptioning cartoons...

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Cartoon of the Day: Greedy Zionists

Continuing our series of recaptioning cartoons...

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Cartoon of the Day: Little David gets in trouble at school

Continuing our series of recaptioning cartoons...

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Isolated Iran Encourages April 1945 Hitler: 'You Have Them Right Where You Want Them' (PreOccupied Territory)

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Berlin ruins 1945 Tehran, December 24 - High-ranking officials of the Islamic Republic of Iran issued a message today to boost the confidence of the German Führer hiding in his bunker as the Red Army closed in on Berlin more than seventy-five years ago, urging the Nazi leader to view the developments of the previous two-and-a-half years positively, in that the convergence of several army groups vastly outnumbering the remaining Wehrmacht and irregular German forces on the capital of the Third Reich means that the main body of the Soviet military now lies within striking distance.

"Herr Führer, you have them right where you want them," urged Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif in a communiqué to the April 1945 Adolf Hitler in his Führerbunker. "After a series of Red Army 'victories' on the entire Eastern Front since the winter of 1943, your enemy has grown complacent, and ripe for easy defeat. You have bided your time well, lulling them into what they assume to be a routine of triumph after triumph. Soon you will bring down the hammer that crushes the enemy and energizes the citizens and soldiers of the Reich to restore the glory it has too long been denied."

"The operations at Stalingrad and Kursk were especially convincing," continued the message. "Allowing the Sixth Army to be destroyed, with the masterstroke charade of all the disagreement between you and General Paulus, to make it appear an unmitigated disaster, made all the Soviet 'maskirovka' techniques during the whole war pale by comparison. Then, to follow that up with 'losing the initiative' at Kursk must certainly have nurtured an unhealthy sense of inevitability and invincibility that subsequent Soviet advances only augmented. Now, with the enemy at the gates of Berlin, they will assume their 'final' offensive to be a cakewalk, unaware that the entire time, you, in your proven strategic and tactical brilliance, have orchestrated the entire campaign to lead to this very instant, when you sweep the rug out from under the Slavic horde at the precise moment they have been so expertly conditioned to think will belong to them, and the entire Stalinist edifice comes crashing down like the Jewish-backed Communist house of cards it is. Kudos."

The communiqué also stressed the common Aryan heritage of Hitler's "master race," noting that the term "Aryan" is the very source of the name "Iran." Zarif and the other signatories then expressed the hope that their increasingly-isolated, sanctions-plagued regime can follow a similarly dramatic path to victory as Muslim state after Muslim state joins an emerging anti-Iran coalition that even includes their onetime mutual foe Israel

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Cartoon of the Day: Tikkun Olam is the ubermitzvah

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons....

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Demonization is Caring: Cartoon of the Day

Continuing my series of recaptioning single panel cartoons...

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Audience Can't Believe 2020 Writers Think They Find Another Last-Minute Israel Election Drama Believable (PreOccupied Territory)

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Israeli ballot Tel Aviv, December 17 - Observers expecting something original out of the ongoing Israeli political morass voiced their disapproval this week over yet another predictable twist in the narrative, noting that talk of an eleventh-hour deal to thwart early elections could be spotted months away in the story arc, and that the writers have rested on their laurels of late, relying on hackneyed devices instead of genuine creativity.

Likud and Blue and White representatives met again Thursday to hammer out a deal that would obviate a new parliamentary contest in March, less than a year after the previous elections and the fourth such contest in two years. Audiences groaned at the development, with the dominant sentiment among them that whether or not elections occur soon, the writers of 2020 have apparently run out of ideas and have fallen back on recycling tired tropes that surprise exactly no one.

"This is the least shocking thing to happen since the last Trump Twitter diatribe," lamented Ramat Gan viewer and vocal critic Yariv Ben-Yakir. "It's tiresome at this point. Unfortunately we're a captive audience, and we don't really have a choice if we're going to pay attention to politics. The writing team needs to either buckle down and do serious work or just quit. Not a single original idea since like 2012."

"Having Naftali Bennet performing strongly in polls a couple of months ago could have been a promising plot element," acknowledged Ashdod resident Alex Dobrov. "No one on the left, or even in the center, could make a credible challenge to Netanyahu for claim of the Knesset's largest faction and the right to try forming a government first. Bennett, from the right, with Ayelet Shaked at his back, could have mounted a believable campaign to unseat Bibi from the right. But then the writers went absolutely nowhere with that. It had so much dramatic potential, and lent an element of unpredictability that audiences would have oved, but then the writers' cowardice must have taken over, because that plot line disappeared in a hurry. It's too bad."

Viewers have also refused to take seriously the Likud splinter faction now slated to run on an independent list under longtime Netanyahu rival Gid'on Sa'ar. The New Hope Party has performed well in public opinion polls, but most viewers harbor no illusions that after the next elections the party would not quietly reabsorb into Likud, with our without Netanyahu at the helm.

Tlaib:"Stop Misinterpreting The 'From The River To The Sea' Call For Genocide As A Call For Genocide" (PreOccupied Territory)

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Stop Misinterpreting The 'From The River To The Sea' Call For Genocide As A Call For Genocide

by House Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI)

Rashida Tlaib Washington, December 3 - A few days ago I felt compelled to remove a message I reposted from elsewhere on Twitter, a message that contained the oft-repeated slogan of Palestinian national liberation, "From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free." I decided to undo the retweet because, I belatedly understood, too many people would choose to distort the meaning of that aspiration for rendering the Jews and their welfare once again at the mercy of outside powers as an aspiration to render the Jews and their welfare once again at the mercy of outside powers.

Of course, once tweeted, even if untweeted, content on the internet can never truly be removed, all the more so when that content comes from or through a public figure; screen captures and other techniques ensured that my deletion of the post did an incomplete job of undoing it, and my political opponents proved all too ready to exploit my error for their own propaganda purposes. They now argue that a call to place Jewish survival in the hands of a culture that allied itself, under Mufti Husseini, with Hitler's genocidal regime, betrays a desire to pursue a genocidal agenda. How many attacks against Jews and Jewish interests will it take to convince the public otherwise? I shudder to consider the answer.

This hardly represents the first time the noble goals of Palestinian liberation, of freeing historic Palestine from the villainous Zionist usurper rapist descendants of apes and swine, has been miscast as driven by animus for Jews or their sovereignty. Palestinians have no objections to Jewish sovereignty; only to Jewish sovereignty that in any way attenuates the contingent, vulnerable status Jews have always held in Muslim society. Stop trying to twist that principle into something antisemitic.

My opponents will never truly be satisfied with these explanations, a fact that merely demonstrates the lack of good faith behind their position. When a pro-Palestine activist finds himself or herself restricted from intimidating Jewish students into silence over the actions of a group of Jews on a different continent, that carries disturbing implications for freedom of speech. When Islamic charities face criminal charges for raising funds for Hamas and other Palestinian liberation groups, that carries disturbing implications for freedom of religion - all because propagandists insist on misinterpreting the Palestinian call to facilitate genocide as a Palestinian call to facilitate genocide. And that must stop.

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Twitter Fails To Apply 'Disputed' Label To Mother-In-Law's 'World's Best Brownies' Claim (PreOccupied Territory)

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brownies2 Bat-Yam, November 26 - Sources close to the father of a local family reported today that he has yet to receive an explanation from the social media giant Twitter as to its failure to date to indicate his wife's mother's post last week asserting that her baked chocolate snack food has proved superior to all others, even as the company rushes to append such disclaimers to other, less manifestly-false tweets, notably those surrounding the recent US presidential election results.

Boris Gurevich, 34, voiced exasperation and confusion Thursday upon discovering that despite his reporting it on the day she posted, Twitter has yet to append a 'This claim is disputed' alert to his mother-in-law Iris Mandel's tweet last weekend to the effect that her brownie recipe remains far and away the best on the planet. Mr. Gurevich noted that Twitter's alacrity in combating misinformation in some contexts makes this omission all the more glaring and damaging.

"Twitter can't take half measures here," insisted the father of three. "Once the company started down the road of plying arbiter of what's reliable and what's not reliable among its users' content, anything it doesn't label a 'disputed' or 'official sources called the results of this differently' by default enjoys the imprimatur of credibility. I know for sure that's just not the case. My own mother's brownies are far superior to Iris's in every possible way. I even offered to send [Twitter CEO] Jack Dorsey samples to prove it, but nothing. Zero. It's almost as if Twitter only cares about certain perspectives."

"In terms of flaky top, chewiness, richness, sweetness, salt, and of course chocolatiness, there's objectively, demonstrably, manifestly no question whose product is better," he continued, his voice rising. "I know it. My whole side of the family knows it. Even some folks on my wife's side of the family acknowledge it. My wife and kids claim not to notice or care, but I know they don't want to be seen as taking sides, and I respect that. Even though I know they agree with me. And you know what? It's fine for Iris to make that claim. People make all sorts of exaggerations in everyday communication. But for Twitter to assume the mantle of fact-checker and then fail to do its due diligence when faced with such a flagrant flouting of objective, measurable fact, well, that calls into question the whole enterprise of that fact-checking. Next you're going to tell me they also haven't labeled any propaganda tweets by Palestinian leaders, either."

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Scholar Posits Textual Anomalies In Bible The Result Of Autocorrect (PreOccupied Territory)

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Cambridge, November 19 - An innovative approach to analysis of ancient documents has led at least one researcher to the hypothesis that numerous deviations in Scripture from the expected forms of words stem not from copyist errors, as commonly assumed, but from software similar in function to modern text media that automatically changes words or phrases to match its preconceived idea of the writer's intent, using an algorithm that on occasion results not in the intended words, but a distortion of them.

Oxford University Professor of Semitic Languages Edward Hargreaves suggests in a forthcoming article that various Biblical textual phenomena fit neatly into a framework that parallels the "Autocorrect" function of numerous text-based communication platforms, and that ages of scholarship and polemics on the subject of Biblical textual integrity have therefore largely been a waste of time.

"Our team looked at thousands of so-called textual anomalies in the Hebrew Scriptures," the professor explained in an interview. "The most common of these were the k'ri vs. k'tiv variety, in which the traditional enunciation of a word differs from its spelling in the text; others involve the 'hapax legomenon,' a word or root that appears only once in the entire corpus, and which, quite often, leaves the reader at a loss regarding its true meaning, because of a lack of comparative instances from which to understand it. Still others involve apparent discrepancies between manuscripts of the same text, or between different occurrences of the same phrases or verses in disparate parts of the Bible."

"We've found that upwards of 95% of these occurrences can be explained by Autocorrect," he continued. "The does not mean that many indeed occurred through that phenomenon, but that they are consistent with such a process. Among the exceptions, for example, are terms that various traditions have of specifically reading a word differently from its appearance, for purposes of euphemism, but with acknowledgement that the actual text is different. A good instance of this is the Jewish practice of refraining from the pronunciation of the Tetragrammaton, one of the most common names for the divinity, instead using a less-common one. That one alone accounts for the bulk of the exceptions to what I've taken to calling the 'Autocorrect Hypothesis.' But for the most part Autocorrect helps to explain anomalies that scholars have debated basically forever."

As for the few cases that do not fit into the hypothesis, Professor Hargreaves insisted he does not give a flying duck.

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Cartoon of the Day: It's easy to be a "moderate" when you hate Israel

The quote is actually not far off from what Nasrallah said in a speech on Wednesday:

22-Nasrallah: Our stance on Israel is clear, and we repeat it on all occasions, particularly on Quds Day -- Israel, from an ideological perspective, is an illegal, cancerous, demonic entity. This won't change w/time. Israel is just a band of criminal settler gangs
— David A. Daoud (@DavidADaoud) November 11, 2020

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If Reinstated, Corbyn Vows To Minimize Carbon Footprint On Way To Lay Wreaths At Terrorist Graves (PreOccupied Territory)

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: Credit: Chris McAndrew via Wikimedia Commons

London, November 12 - Ousted UK Labour Chairman Jeremy Corbyn continued to argue today in favor of revoking his expulsion from the party following an inquest finding that he failed to address burgeoning antisemitism in Labour's ranks, with a promise to do better by his constituents and all of Britain by demonstrating greater ecological sensitivity than before while engaged in paying tribute to antisemitic practitioners of violence as a political tool.

An investigation by Britain's non-partisan Equality and Human Rights Commission determined last month that under Corbyn, Labour failed to take adequate measures to deal with rampant manifestations of Jew-hate among its members, and even attempted to obstruct investigative and remediation efforts that did take place. The EHRC verdict imposes legally-binding actions on Labour as a result, and the party revoked Corbyn's membership; he had previously stepped down as its leader following an embarrassing electoral showing for Labour earlier this year, with analysts attributing much of the damage to the party's poor handling of the antisemitism allegations.

Now, however, the former chairman has vowed to fight his removal. He announced today (Thursday) that while he acknowledges errors and oversights in the party's bureaucratic bungling of the issue, he remains "opposed to racism in all its forms, including antisemitism," and resolved both to appeal to the courts to reinstate him as a Labour member and to improve his conduct as a beacon of hope and tolerance by committing to use only ecologically sound methods of travel when visiting the burial sites of murderous antisemites to lay memorial wreaths.

"I do not give up easily, as my friends in Hamas and Hezbollah can attest," he insisted. "I maintain my staunch support for peace-loving movements from Ireland to Idlib, where Western imperialism has destroyed lives and civilizations and led to prejudiced depredations of the worst sort. Simply ask Basher Assad what he thinks of the issue and you will get a similar answer. But I understand I have had, in my zeal for universal human equality, some blind spots, and I resolve to correct them. No longer will I mindlessly board a polluting aircraft when I pay my respects to fallen revolutionaries who all happen to have Jewish blood on their hands. The environment represents our future, and we cannot squander the glorious socialist future that awaits us by failing to protect the environment."

"I deplore bigotry in all its forms, as I have said repeatedly over the years," he intoned. "Systemic racism is real: it's what you get when policies result in discriminatory outcomes across the board. But let us not rush to assume that when my policies and rhetoric result in dead Jews across the world, that has any bearing on whether I harbor a single antisemitic bone in my body. That is a distraction from the real issues, one of which is why Jews conspired to paint me as condoning, even encouraging, rhetoric that calls them manipulative and sinister."

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Despite Industry's Failures In 2016, 2020, Abbas Trusts Polls Showing He Better Not Call Elections Ever (PreOccupied Territory)

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ballot box Ramallah, November 5 - The President of the Palestinian Authority believes public opinion surveys showing the deep unpopularity of him personally and of his governing faction among Palestinians, even though the field demonstrated serious shortcomings in the last two US presidential contests, failing to paint an accurate picture of the situation. As such, aides disclosed, he will not announce a vote anytime soon, if at all, as his administration approaches the seventeenth year of its four-year term.

Nabil Sha'ath, adviser to Mahmoud Abbas, informed journalists Thursday that while the polling industry has it problems, the president nevertheless gives surveys of Palestinians enough credence to refrain from allowing his constituency any say in who gets to lead them, for the foreseeable future.

"Nate Silver, Qunnipiac, and all the others certainly need to get their houses in order," acknowledged Sha'ath in a series of telephone interviews. "It's unacceptable that both this year and four years ago, the so-called experts got so much wrong. Relying on them going forward will prove a shaky proposition. The thing is, while the accuracy of the art and science of polling might fall into question, they haven't been off by such an order of magnitude that we can disregard their findings altogether. Bottom line, no elections for the time being. In that respect the will of the people is dangerous to our careers, so we can't afford to let the will of the people be expressed at the moment. Or ever again."

Abbas won election as President of the Palestinian Authority in January 2005, following the death of the previous officeholder, his mentor the iconic Yasser Arafat. Parliamentary elections occurred the following year; neither type of contest has been held since. Abbas's popularity has never approached that of his predecessor, and his Fatah faction also faces a surging Islamist rival in the Hamas movement, which favors armed conflict, not compromise, with Israel. Presidential confidant and former peace negotiator Saeb Erekat cautioned that expert analysis has often proved wide of the mark, but that does not mean ignoring the experts is a wise move.

"The experts also predicted the Arab street would explode in response to every move Trump made in the Middle East," he observed. "They explained that no progress in this region could occur, no normalization with Israel, without resolution of the Palestinian issue. The events of the last several years - the Jerusalem embassy move, the pronouncement on the legality of Israeli settlements, the recognition of Israeli Golan annexation, the hard line on Iran, the Abraham Accords, you name it - the collective Arab shrug, even endorsement, in response to all those things gave the lie to the experts' learned opinions. But we're still not going to tempt fate on this one.

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Commission: Israel Not Truly Jewish State Without a Second Knesset that MKs Boycott (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, October 29 - A governmental fact-finding committee on the relationship between state and religion published its findings today following two years of research into the delicate issue, and made several important determinations, among them that the country billing itself as Jewish cannot make a credible claim to that effect unless and until its official institutions follow the venerable Jewish tradition of pointedly not patronizing one of two or more communal institutions. Historically the practice has manifested in refusal to attend a specific synagogue, but in the case of a political entity, the committee determined, the legislature serves as the analogous institution that serves as the litmus test for whether a community has embraced ancestral Jewish practices and ethos that involves having one for purposes of not attending to make a petty personal point.

The Bar-El Commission, appointed in 2018 to study Israel's intersection of religion and politics, released thee results of it's research Thursday. It found that Israel cannot qualify as a Jewish state, despite decades-long insistence on that very matter and fundamental guiding principles of the Zionist movement, if its most prominent expression of governance ignores the definitive Jewish custom of having two parallel institutions, one to attend and one to not attend. The report contends that Israel can only lay claim to the status of Jewish State once it adopts that practice by maintaining two Knessets, one that lawmakers will, in theory, attend, and another that they will specifically not.

Commission chairman Liron Bar-El told journalists at a press conference this morning that his group's research found several other indicators of Israel's Jewishness that also call into question the bold assertion of that as a given. "I might also point out that certain government-run institutions have an unfortunate reputation for punctuality," he observed, a disqualifying notion vis-à-vis established Jewish practice. "This may not be the case for the majority of institutions or personnel, but it poses some significant countervailing evidence."

"There's also the matter of answering a question with a question," he continued. "For example, witnesses in Israeli courtrooms and depositions are asked whether they undertake to tell the truth, and seldom, if ever, is the response in interrogative form. That on its own might not constitute a compelling datum, but realize that the courts in this ostensibly Jewish state do not mandate such a format. Such a basic element of Jewishness must feature more prominently in the country's institutions and protocols if we are to accept the assertion that the character of the Jewish state is, in fact, Jewish."

Some analysts dismissed the report's main finding, noting that MKs hardly even attend the existing Knesset when it is in session, and that dovetails with established Jewish practice, as well.

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Cartoon of the Day: A bad season for BDSers

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