Elder Of Ziyon - Israel News: humor

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Thursday, May 07, 2020

Waqf Says Israel Jams Al Aqsa Prayers From Reaching Allah (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Jerusalem, May 7 - Islamic officials at the council that administers holy sites on the Temple Mount accused the Jewish State today of setting up electronic devices in the area to prevent the five-times-daily prayers there from getting to Heaven where God will hear them.

Waqf representative Ayama Faqhedd lambasted Israeli security forces in the city and alleged they have installed emitters all around the elevated compound that jam prayer signals from Al Aqsa Mosque. Faqhedd made the accusation while discussing a the theological question of how Allah can allow the continued prosperity and success of the evil Jews even as the pious Muslims submit themselves to Him.

"One of several approaches to this question involves profound Jewish perfidy," he explained. "The devil-spawn Jews would of course attempt to interdict our righteous supplications. How else can we account for our ongoing shameful inability to oust those weak descendants of apes and pigs from Dar al-Islam despite our vastly superior numbers, superior virtue, and superior oil revenue? If we do not ask the omniscient deity to help us, how can He know what we want? And if the Jews can prevent what we ask from reaching the divine ear, how will Allah ever know we have asked? It must be some of the technology the Jews are always boasting they have developed."

Reports circulated online late Wednesday night on Palestinian social media about mysterious devices at various locations within Jerusalem's old city, with at least one use sharing images of a standpipe fire hydrant labeled as a signal-jamming emitter. Responses to the post and its copies on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram for the most part took it at face value, with perhaps one in ten voicing skepticism that the picture represented the alleged jamming equipment.

"Let's not jump to conclusions," cautioned one. "I mean, of course the Jews are doing it, I just don't think that's the device they're using. Probably drones or something." Other users dogpiled that one with invective and death threats for casting doubt on any element of the righteous cause.

Israeli security officials denied knowledge of jamming activity. "Maybe it's just our filthy feet defiling the place," suggested one, referring to comments by Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas in 2018 about Jews walking in respectful silence on the Temple Mount. "You know, that might disrupt the path of Muslim prayers to Allah. A place where Muhammad's horse landed one night must be really sensitive to disturbances such as the existence of Jews."

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Simba, Everything The Light Touches Is Our Kingdom Unless Muslims Ever Ruled It, Even Briefly (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Simba, Everything The Light Touches Is Our Kingdom Unless Muslims Ever Ruled It, Even Briefly

by King Mufasa

Serengeti - Simba, look out over the pridelands. All the way to the horizon in all directions. Everything the sunlight touches, we hold sway. Except for that shadowy place, the badlands where the hyenas roam. And except for any part of the kingdom where the Islamic empire once held, no matter how fleeting that hold. Then it must remain under Islamic control forever, because reasons?

I admit I'm not entirely clear on that part, Simba. But apparently the way it works is, only the period after the seventh and eighth centuries count, unless Muslims were losing, in which case revert back to whenever they were winning and make that the default state. Yes, it seems arbitrary, but so do many things. My choice of a hornbill as a majordomo, for example. But we work with what we are given, Simba. One cannot insist everything conform to his will; that way lies misrule, ecological collapse, and failure of the pride. Just look at the Palestinians.

All the animals, the plants they eat, their nesting and breeding grounds, their role in this kingdom - all that exists in a delicate balance. The Circle of Life means everything we do affects everything else, ultimately even our own species and group. When the time comes you must assume responsibility for maintaining that balance even as you prey on the other creatures. It is a burden you must carry everywhere but the places where some forgotten Islamic potentate won a battle that gave him brief control over some random locale long ago. Then you must never set foot there no matter how grossly its helpless inhabitants are mistreated by its government. That would be colonialist and racist. You cannot judge a society just because it engages in barbaric behavior and glorifies it. Except your own. Then go ahead, because you probably deserve it. You're not Muslim. I think that's how it works.

Be wary of those who might usurp this kingdom from you, Simba. That uncle Scar of yours has always had designs on the throne. The hyenas have always resented our dominance of the food chain. It will not be easy to maintain control, balance, and family integrity without wisdom that I hope you develop while you're still young. If any of those characters converts to Islam and decides to take over the kingdom in the name of Allah, no one will ever be allowed to take it away from them, because Islamic control erases everything that came before even as it tries to shore up its legitimacy by anchoring itself in the preexisting holy sites of other faiths. Pride Rock will become Haram al-Scarif, and that will be it. Scar-al-Islam.

You get my drift.

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Israeli Man Buys Brown Dog, Doesn't Name It 'Shoko' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Jerusalem, April 23 - Neighbors, relatives, and friends of a local resident expressed shock this morning upon discovering that he had purchased a coffee-colored pooch but given it a moniker other than "Shoko," thus defying a powerful societal custom.

Concerned citizens in the immediate social circles of Amit Dolev, 34, voiced surprise and dismay Thursday when he informed them his new brown retriever is named Kinamon (Hebrew for cinnamon), and not Shoko, the name that every other brown dog in the history of Israeli society has carried.

"I'm stunned," admitted his sister-in-law Adi, the only close relative willing to go on the record. "This isn't something anyone in the family ever expected, especially from Amit. He's generally not a troublemaker or anything, and I never would have pegged him as having imagination or an abundance of daring. I mean, he's an accountant who likes reading and maybe some occasional fishing. This is going to take some time process."

"Oh, so it's true?" wondered a neighbor who declined to be identified by name, citing concerns of associated shame in the deeply conservative society of secular Israelis. "Wow. Just wow. I grew up in the 1980's amid rumors of someone in our school, always a sibling or cousin of an unnamed student in a different grade, or who'd already graduated, whose car wasn't a white Subaru, so I'm used to this sort of thing, but it's still kind of shocking when it happens, and happens so close by."

Mr. Dolev himself appeared oblivious to the controversy and scandal his actions have generated. "I was considering the name 'Fistuk' (Hebrew vernacular from the Arabic for pistachio)," he recalled, "but figured that might better work for a smaller breed. Then I thought of Hummus, Juju, Looloosh, Loco, Lafa, Mocha, and a bunch of others, but none of them had quite the right flavor. Then I thought, 'Hey, what's something brown that everyone likes and makes a cute name for a dog? Cinnamon, obviously.' So here we are. I can't wait to introduce her to everyone."

Experts observed that while rare, such a flagrant departure from tradition has occurred in secular Israeli society on several notable occasions. "It would be analogous, to give non-Israelis an idea of what's causing the confusion," explained Tel Aviv University sociology professor Enka Zedavar, "to a Hollywood director having somebody get shot on a rooftop or other high surface and not have the character scream as he falls several stories to the ground. The last time anything like this happened here was probably a flight landing at Ben Gurion in 2014 on which no one clapped at touchdown."

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Unaware Imams Promised Them Immunity, Coronavirus Kills Muslims Too (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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: PJL Laurens, via Wikimedia Commons

Gaza City, April 2 - A pathogen responsible for tens of thousands of deaths worldwide and hundreds of thousands more with life-threatening respiratory symptoms has either ignored or remains unconscious of the guarantees of various Islamic preachers that the faithful will remain unscathed, and has ravaged those believers along with everyone else.

SARS-CoV-2, known by various other appellations such as COVID-19, The Wuhan virus, or the more general term coronavirus, has killed thousands of Muslims in Iran and other predominantly Muslim countries in the Middle East, in addition to Muslims residing outside the region, such as in the US or UK. The virus has infected millions of people, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, indicating that it either does not know or does not care that Imams from Malaysia and the Philippines to Nigeria and Gaza have pronounced COVID-19 a divine weapon against the infidel that will cause no harm to loyal followers of Muhammad.

"No one seems to have told the virus to avoid Muslims," lamented an epidemiologist in Mashad, Iran. "All this trouble with the disease spreading outwards from the holy city of Qom, and the shrines there that people licked for protection, all because of that oversight. Like, even putting a Quran up on the telephone wires hasn't kept COVID-19 out of people's neighborhoods, even though many of our spiritual leaders issued guarantees that such measures would shield us. We need an inquiry into whose job it was to inform the coronavirus only to attack infidels."

After the pandemic claimed the lives of three Muslim healthcare workers in London last weekend, Imams began to suspect a more fundamental problem. "This looks a lot more systemic than simple negligence," worried a preacher at a mosque outside Paris. "I think we need to consider that the entire mechanism for sparing faithful Muslims from the ravages of misfortune and evil - be they war, disease, famine, oppression, enslavement, or indignities of all kinds - requires attention. Far too many examples just in recent memory provide evidence that divine protection for Muslims has not been implemented as we have been led to expect: conflicts in Yemen, Afghanistan, and Iraq; the current pandemic; droughts that hit Africa every few years; Uighurs in Chinese concentration and forced-labor camps; and ongoing subjugation to non-Islamic regimes in India and Israel as well, just to name a few."

Specimens of the COVID-19 pathogen declined to be interviewed for this article, citing social distancing precautions.

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Before I Judge An Act I Ask If Israel Did It, And Then I Judge by Issa Amro (PreOccupied Territory)

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Before I Judge An Act I Ask If Israel Did It, And Then I Judge

by Issa Amro, Palestinian activist

Hebron, March 26 - Philosophers and thinkers have long grappled with the nature of a given act: its context, its purpose, and of course its effects, to determine whether that act complies with or violates human morality. They have failed, however, to reach a convincing conclusion - and I maintain they have failed because they do not apply the litmus test I and my allies have devised. The test asks one simple question: did Israel do the act? If not, the act can be moral; if yes, perforce the act is evil.

This illustrates and explains a phenomenon we saw most recently with divergent official Palestinian reactions to the same act performed by two different agents: Israel and Hamas. The Palestinian Authority, led by Fatah, condemned Hamas's closure of mosques throughout the Gaza Strip; at the same time it lambasted Israel for not closing mosques in areas under its control, because of course Israel neglects the health of its Arab minority.

To many people such contrasting responses to the same question smacks of hypocrisy, but those people ignore the salient point: anything Israel does is evil, even if others engage in the same behavior yet escape that characterization. The answer hinges on Jewish- I mean Israeli or Zionist action, not the act itself. Thus, self-defense by the vast majority of humanity qualifies as a positive moral value, a defensible, if unfortunate act when necessary, and, indeed, a moral imperative; whereas when Zionists engage in so-called self-defense they automatically violate the human rights of Palestinians. I am a human rights activist; I know these things.

Note also that a Zionist failing to uphold the principle of self-defense would not thus perform a good act - just the opposite. That Zionist would be committing evil by choosing not to exercise self-defense, since his refusal to defend himself violates the sanctity of the life God gave him, and is it not just like a Jew to show no appreciation for all the kindness done to him by his non-Jewish hosts through the generations?

The question can still remain regarding acts by non-Zionists; I do not pretend to greater intelligence than all the thinkers who preceded me in this line of inquiry, and acknowledge the larger question remains unresolved. But I do confess no small amount of pride in bringing this iota of moral clarity into the world, and look forward to its application much more widely than has, to our collective chagrin, been the case.

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Parents Keeping Warring Children At Bay In Lockdown Ready To Tackle Israeli-Palestinian Conflict (PreOccupied Territory)

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Giv'at Shmuel, March 19 - Heads of a family who have so far succeeded in preventing their offspring from killing one another amid restrictions that keep everyone housebound in the face of a deadly pandemic believe that after handling that fraught situation, they feel prepared to broker a lasting settlement between Israel and the Palestinians.

Udi and Linor Harel, father and mother of Pazit, Malachi, Itamar, and Hadas, announced yesterday that their experience over the last several days with the conflict-plagued children confined to the family's three-bedroom apartment has provided them with the skills and wisdom necessary to resolve even the most intractable violent disagreements, including those that have stymied or thwarted diplomats and brokers for generations, such as the century-old Arab-Jewish territorial dispute over the Holy Land.

"We can probably get the two sides to reach an agreement inside of six hours, seven tops," predicted Udi, who until Sunday worked as a driving instructor. "If we can get our children to keep their fighting to a minimum, and on occasion even cooperate, we can get ANYONE else to do the same. Intifadas, counter-terrorism operations, military incursions, blockades, and rocket attacks are peanuts compared to the hostilities we've defused here."

"The parties to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict have another think coming if they believe they can just keep fighting," added Linor, who develops educational materials for a non-profit. "Everyone in this family knows by now that's unacceptable. Give me some time with the leaders of the parties to the conflict and I'll get them to see the correct decision, if they know what's good for them. For starters, if I hear or see evidence of a single Molotov cocktail, that's no allowance for two weeks. Uh, not that there's any way to leave home to spend such money in the near future, but still."

The Harel children offered cautious agreement. "If Mom can get Malachi to stop invading my personal space, maybe she can do better than those idiots who ran the Oslo process," assessed Pazit, 14. "He's so annoying! I swear, if I hear [the children's Passover song] 'Simcha Rabbah' ['Great Joy'] as 'sim chara bah' ['put feces in it'] one more time I'm going to shove his smartphone up his... disease vector."

"Oh my God, this nightmare has to end, and then maybe Dad can tackle smaller problems like the political conflict," concurred Itamar, 8. "That is, if Pazit sticks to her side of the bargain and shuts up about her stupid social life and how this situation is killing it. Hello? It won't be your social life that I end if I hear one more gripe about missing a friend's birthday party."

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Pandemic Prompts Divine Thoughts Of Postponing Passover Till After Sukkot (PreOccupied Territory)

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Jerusalem, March 12 - Ministering angels disclosed today that the Almighty has begun consultation with His advisory board regarding the possibility of delaying this year's observance of the Feast of Unleavened Bread for more than six months until the danger of a burgeoning plague has passed.

Archangel Gabriel told reporters Thursday that the LORD has voiced concern for several weeks already that the observance of a pilgrimage festival under current circumstances will prove catastrophic, as it is expected to bring together hundreds of thousands of people, perhaps even millions, in a single location for days at a time. Such prolonged proximity to an unknown number of plague carriers, whether they display or do not display symptoms of the affliction, carries frightening epidemiological implications.

"God is close to a decision as to whether Passover will happen on schedule this year," the angel stated. "We should have an announcement by the end of the workweek tomorrow. The most likely scenarios under discussion at the moment include canceling Passover entirely for this year, but perhaps more likely, postponing it until after the onset of the autumn holidays, perhaps as an extension of Sukkot when so many people come to Jerusalem anyway. We all want to know what to expect so we can make adequate preparations and take the necessary precautions, but the economic, social, spiritual, and other effects of moving the festival deserve due consideration and discussion. I urge the public to maintain its admirable discipline and cooperation to date with the hygienic and other measures to help contain the disease, and ask a little more patience so that this important issue can undergo proper evaluation."

Hospitality industry figures voiced consternation. "We need to know already," declared a Judah Hotel owner. "In a typical year I'm full to capacity with pilgrims who've come to bring the paschal and festival offerings, and that means ordering food, arranging adequate laundering of guest linens, and providing extra services such as guides if that's what they want. I understand attendance might be sparser this year, but I'm still going to be out a pretty perutah if I order things that no one is here to eat."

Spiritual community figures also expressed concern. "I think it might be better to cancel Passover outright rather than delay it till after the Feast of Booths," argued a tribal elder of Ephraim named Jeroboam. "It's entirely the wrong season to be celebrating Passover, the spring festival, in the fall. I say just call off pilgrimage festivals to Jerusalem entirely, while we're at it. No need to take these epidemiological risks all the time. It courts disaster even in less troubling conditions."

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Of COURSE We Will Allow Jews To Live In Palestine. Then We Will Kill Them. by Saeb Erekat, Chief Palestinian Negotiator (PreOccupied Territory)

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Of COURSE We Will Allow Jews To Live In Palestine. Then We Will Kill Them.
by Saeb Erekat, Chief Palestinian Negotiator

Ramallah, March 5 - We Palestinians have grown tired of the contention that we demand a state with no Jews in it. Not only does it distract from the core issue of our statelessness and displacement, it presumes something false. In fact we make no such demand - any Jews whom we can exterminate will receive a warm welcome to remain within our borders, until we unleash our just wrath against them for the suffering we have endured for more than seventy years.

Accusations such as "Apartheid," "ethnic cleansing," and the like only serve to divert attention from the real injustice: Palestinians living under foreign occupation since 1948, who want nothing but the sovereignty and liberty to slaughter as many Jews as they can. Calling unwarranted attention to some spurious would-be policy that the State of Palestine would establish itself a priori as Judenrein only distorts the reality that the people of Palestine would have no problem accepting Jews living within its borders, no matter how many. You read that correctly - contrary to the slanders of the warmongering Zionists, all the Jews who wish to remain withing this state once Palestine asserts its rightful borders may continue to do so, until we kill them.

We fully understand that some Jews might choose to move elsewhere before the State of Palestine reclaims it rightful boundaries and sovereignty, and they may do so. We in fact recommend they do so right now. We have been recommending it for many decades. Palestinian activists have expended enormous effort to persuade the Jews in this land to make some other place their home, for more than a hundred years. We have made clear, again and again, as painfully as possible, the wise choice to make. For a group reputed to have higher-than-average intelligence, well, let us simply say one might have expected a quicker grasp of our intent.

It must therefore be made clear: Jews may stay in Palestine. Permanently. This time we might not even bother desecrating your graves, because in the circumstances I foresee, you will not have to go through the trouble of preparing for maintaining any such thing. Our policies toward the Jews who do stay will spare you the effort necessary to dig an individual grave.

Stop the slander. Palestine need not be Jew-free; disbelieve the lies the Zionists tell you about our supposed ethnic policies. The Jews may stay, as long as we allow them.

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Waqf Warns Against Making Tower Of Babel Taller Than Mosque (PreOccupied Territory)

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Babylon, Land of Shin'ar, February 20 - Islamic authorities cautioned today against the completion of a planned project to construct a tower that reaches the heavens, reminding officials in charge of the initiative that Sharia law prohibits any non-Islamic building from exceeding the height of any nearby Islamic house of worship.

Mufti 'Ana Akil Alqarf of Mesopotamia issued a warning today regarding the ongoing public works project in a central valley of the kingdom, admonishing the government and construction functionaries not to build the Tower of Babel to a height that even appears equal to or greater than any mosque in the area, and that violating the principle will lead to violence.

"To defend the honor of Allah and his greatest and last prophet," declared the mufti, "no structures may rise higher than our mosques. "This demand must be followed on pain of violent death. We therefore urge the authorities to alter the existing plan for the Tower of Babel to accommodate Muslim sensibilities." Municipal officials have yet to comment on the demand.

Babylonian leaders embarked on the public works project several months ago amid concerns that society's sprawl might create unwelcome divisions among those who live in disparate locations and thus develop clashing sensibilities. King Nimrod and his advisers therefore developed the Tower of Babel program to create a unifying focus for the civilization and to minimize or eliminate differences of opinion, ideology, or culture. To cement the idea of conformity, the engineers mass-produced identical oven-fired bricks instead of relying on the traditional method of fitting together stones, which most often occur in irregular, unique shapes.

Muslim leaders voiced support for the conformity initiative. "We fully endorse any effort that will bring all of humanity under the dominance of Islam," declared Imam Mustafa Massiqr.

"Alternatively, making the tower itself a mosque will solve the comparative height problem. The main complication I foresee is informing our brethren in other places that the structure in fact serves as a mosque and not, as they might otherwise assume, an office tower so big and imposing that it comes to symbolize a culture in which Islam sees a mortal enemy, an assumption that could lead some enterprising martyrs-in-waiting to crash something large and flammable into it with the goal of bringing it down in dramatic, fiery fashion."

A small faction of Imam Massiqr's followers also contend that the tower, if built high enough, could serve as a base from which to attack God, who opened Zionist dams several generations before and deluged all of civilization.

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Jewish Candidate Hopes To Dispel Stereotype Of Rich Jews By Impoverishing Everyone (PreOccupied Territory)

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Montpelier, VT, February 13 - A lifelong politician and committed socialist vowed again today to combat the pernicious, widespread assumption that Jews enrich themselves at the expense of others, through the imposition of an economic system to guarantee no one, including Jews, ever has enough, let alone gets or stays wealthy.

Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) aims to secure his party's nomination for the presidency, and promises to combat income inequality by redistributing the nation's wealth to help the have-nots. Such policies implemented elsewhere in the world have in fact had significant impact on inequality, with many more people in countries such as Venezuela no longer any better-off than the neighbors next to whom they must scavenge for food. Sanders hopes to engineer the mechanisms of that transformation to undo persistent negative assumptions about Jews, aiming to achieve a total equality in which Jews starve just as much as everyone around them. The Jewish candidate himself, however, will retain his multiple residences and private luxury amenities.

"There's no way this goes sideways," Sanders assured listeners at a town hall meeting Wednesday evening, following a narrow victory in the New Hampshire primary. "Jews are always safe in periods of rapid economic change and uncertainty. Just look at the difference between the eastern part of Germany under the Weimar Republic and the same part of the country after Soviet administration in 1945. During Weimar, with its capitalism, and in the several years that followed, Jews came under constant attack and abuse, but how many such incidents do we have once the socialists of the Soviet Union took the reins? Close to zero."

Sanders also cited the precedents of China, Cambodia, Vietnam, and North Korea, noting that they have no Jews in a higher economic bracket than the rest of the population, and all have embraced policies similar to his proposals.

"In general the Soviet Union did a remarkable job of combating that stereotype," observed Sanders. "That could serve as our model. If you look, you'll find almost no Jews in positions of economic influence in the USSR, or of political influence. The leaders of that great nation understood how to handle the issue. We can do it, too, with enough political will. Naturally, seeing it through in any practical sense will require some adaptations and compromises, which is why my own estates and lifestyle will remain unchanged. I find it absurd anyone might suggest that such a decision might contradict the goal I have in mind. In fact that line of thinking exposes you as an antisemite."

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Rachel Corrie's spirit continuing to be punished (PreOccupied Territory)

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Rafah, February 6 - The departed spirit of an American activist who sought to shield a terrorist armaments cache with her body but ended up crushed by a bulldozer must spend the rest of eternity looking on as Israeli soldiers and machines continue to dispose of war materiel intended for use by the terrorist groups she tried to defend, sources in the transcendental realm disclosed today.

Reporters in the World of the Souls confirmed to PreOccupied Territory Thursday morning that Rachel Corrie's spirit suffers everlasting torment in the form of being forced to watch every instance of the IDF interdicting, destroying, or otherwise rendering inaccessible any weapons, explosives, ammunition, or other instruments of war in the possession of Hamas or allied Palestinian terrorist groups, or such materials on their way to said groups.

"Ms. Corrie inhabits the eternity she created for herself," a spectral representative stated. "Her choice in 2003 to enter a closed military area - effectively a war zone - to serve as cover for terrorists and to prevent soldiers from stemming the flow of arms to those terrorists, all while claiming the mantle of 'human rights' among other dubious goals, led her to stand in front of an armored bulldozer whose driver had limited visibility, and who was trying to destroy a weapons-smuggling tunnel. Her decision to side with murderous thugs who target children and other innocents as a core part of their ideology, and who would otherwise target Corrie herself for her non-Islamic allegiances and lifestyle, brought her to this place."

Corrie took part in an operation by the pro-Palestinian group the International Solidarity Movement to disrupt IDF activities in this town bordering Egypt, where an unknown number of smuggling tunnels and weapons caches ran under the frontier. Most of the passages led into homes or other civilian structures near the Philadelphi Road running parallel to the boundary, structures that also often served as cover for Palestinian snipers firing on IDF troops patrolling the area or engaged in operations to find and destroy the tunnels and weapons. Israel withdrew its soldiers and uprooted thousands of residents from the Gaza Strip in a unilateral disengagement two years later; the smuggling and armed attacks on Israelis have continued.

Corrie's ghost remained unavailable for comment; a spokespecter told journalists that until other materials come to light, her eternal consciousness will be forced to view video of the capture of a Hamas armaments-smuggling boat in an operation that took place this past November.

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