Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Preoccupied. Show all posts

Thursday, March 04, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Caesarea, March 4 - Israel's incumbent prime minister floated the idea today of appealing to segments beyond his traditional right-wing base by adopting some behaviors of the center-left American president, such as standing behind women on stage at public functions and immersing his nose in their coif to inhale the scent of their shampoo.

Binyamin Netanyahu of Likud hinted in an interview at his seaside home in this ancient Herodian city Wednesday that his electoral approach has shifted in this campaign, including an unprecedented effort to reach out to Arab citizens, and in the concluding weeks of the campaign he intends to expand that outside-the-box thinking to include left-wing voters by imitating Joe Biden's women's-hair-sniffing displays. The elections are scheduled for March 26, the fourth such contest in two years.

"We obviously need to avoid the paralysis and despair that come with an inconclusive election outcome," explained the premier, who has now served longer than any other in Israel's history. "That will require changing the way things are done to attract votes. My policies have actually been more or less indistinguishable from a left-wing government: I haven't confronted the growing hegemony of the courts and prosecution; I haven't made good on promises to demolish illegal villages; I haven't addressed discriminatory enforcement in different demographic sectors, favoring non-Jews over Jews; I haven't done anything about tens of thousands of illegal migrants from Africa; I've instructed the military to take a soft approach to Hamas violence; I've continued to allow the terrorism-inciting, violence-glorifying Palestinian Authority to receive tax revenues and goods."

"In short," he continued, "it's clearly not my policies these voters oppose, so maybe it's my personal behavior. But if I were to adopt some of the unmistakable affectations of, say, the current American president, a Democrat, that might resonate better with otherwise-left-wing members of the electorate, and the mandate to form a government under my leadership this time around will prove more convincing and longer-lasting. I've known Joe for a long time and been able to see him in action, in addition to all the footage available of him, and I have to say I'm leaning towards the whole sniffing-women's-hair tendency has a special hold on my imagination." No Israeli government has lasted its full term in decades.

Netanyahu revealed he has mooted other "Bidenisms" he can also adopt to serve the same purpose, such as putting illegal migrants in cramped quarters and calling them "overflow facilities" and "definitely not cages."




Thursday, February 25, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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work from homeHebron, February 25 - Citing what he calls the lockdown's "devastating effect" on his family, a local resident who aspires to kill Israelis by detonating an explosive belt he wears voiced his wish today that Palestinian public health officials lift movement restrictions to allow him to perform his duties outside the family residence.

Muhammad Qawasmeh, 24, told reporters this afternoon that he feels constrained by the regime of COVID-mitigation restrictions in place in this town less than an hour's drive south of Jerusalem, and that he cannot engage effectively in his work as a suicide bomber for the Islamic Resistance Movement known as Hamas.

"I simply can't do my job stuck here at home," lamented the now-unemployed holder of a degree in agricultural engineering. "If I were allowed to move more than a kilometer from my apartment, I could find some Jews to kill along with myself, but all the Jews are on the other side of town from here." Qawasmeh gestured toward the center of Hebron where an enclave of several hundred Jews lives, the fruits of an Israeli effort to restore a Jewish community to King David's first ancient capital following the massacre of the town's Jews by local Arabs in 1929. A larger community called Kiryat Araba lies on the next hilltop, even more inaccessible to Qawasmeh under present conditions.

"It's not good for me or my family," he observed. "I practiced a small detonation a couple of months ago, just to keep myself sharp, you know? I can't let those professional skills erode. I'm going to need them someday soon - at least I hope it's soon. But I ended up giving my little brother Osama third-degree burns and he almost lost an eye. This whole situation is having a devastating effect on my family."

Qawasmeh remarked that ironically, his very dedication to the greater good at the expense of his own physical welfare, or life, demands that he refrain from engaging in the very sacrificial activity for which he was recruited and trained. "Stay at home in the interest of public health, I get it," he acknowledged. "But why is it so important all of a sudden that it overrides the supreme value we've all nurtured until now, that of killing Jews as a way to liberate the land of our ancestors? Nobody used to care very much if it also meant killing Allah knows how many fellow Arabs. Suddenly this pandemic is different? I think the martyrs would understand either way."

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Humpty DumptyNabi Salih, February 18 - Activists have uncovered evidence that the series of wires, towers, concrete ramparts, and other obstacles that Israel credits with stopping Palestinian suicide bombers had a previous career marred by causing the fatal injury of a legendary egg-man.

Israel's security barrier, which pro-Palestinian human rights activists have named the "Apartheid Wall," all but squelched the incidences of suicide bombing during the Second Intifada during the first few years of the decade before last, saving an untold number of lives. Astute social media users, however, have discovered the barrier's sordid past, in which a notable philosopher met his end by falling - or being caused to fall in murky circumstances - from that same wall and could not be saved despite heroic efforts by royal servants both human and equine.

"This is the wall that killed Humpty Dumpty," revealed Human Rights Watch activist Omar Shakir. "Not only does it carve up the land and deny Palestinian farmers access to their fields, it has never faced justice for its rile in the demise of that famous advocate for Palestinian rhetoric, in which familiar terms such as 'Apartheid' are redefined to suit one's purposes." Mr. Shakir gestured with a copy of Lewis Carroll's 1971 book Alice Through the Looking Glass.

"The role of the wall in preventing attacks is disputed anyway," continued Shakir, echoing arguments that a changing political environment had made such operations less desirable among resistance groups, with the timing of the wall and other Israeli deterrent measures, as well as the near-total absence of such attempts in the fifteen years since, a coincidence. "Mr. Netanyahu, tear down this wall!" He also demanded the international community underwrite ongoing futile efforts to put the allegorical Mr. Dumpty back together along with idyllic pre-Israel Palestine.

Mr. Shakir declined to comment on whether this marked the first time a progressive activist had echoed Ronald Reagan.

Details remain sketchy of the walls involvement of the Humpty Dumpty Affair, which occurred some time before 1797, when the first documented mention of it occurs. In those early records no mention occurs of horses or king's men, but the wall features prominently as one of three major players in Mr. Dumpty's destruction: wall, gravity, and ground. The impact against the latter finalized the event; in accounts recorded later, mention of various other parties occurs, in the capacity of those attempting to remedy the situation. The most familiar account of the incident, in which royal horses and men play that role,  dates to no later than the middle of the twentieth century, when the British were preparing to relinquish colonialist control of Palestine in favor of Zionists and stabbed peaceful Arabs in the back. Pro-Palestinian activists believe that rewrite represents a British effort to rehabilitate their image as racist colonialist Orientalist Islamophobes who are under Jewish control anyway.




Thursday, February 11, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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star cookiesKissufim, Southern Israel, February 11 - A resident of this pastoral community near the Islamist-controlled Gaza Strip boasted today that she maintains a stockpile of fresh cakes and pastries just to be prepared for the eventuality of being able to feed terrorists who clambered through underground passages from the neighboring coastal territory to weak mayhem.

Sophia Barnea, 60, told reporters yesterday that she takes pride in her ability to get all of her freelance and homemaking work done and still have time to bake almost every day, in case a terrorist shows up to slaughter civilians and wants a muffin and maybe a cup of tea.

"It's something I make a point of doing," she asserted, gesturing to a platter of still-warm chocolate chip cookies. "If no boys from Hamas or Islamic Jihad stop by that day, I'll eat a few, but I am watching my weight, so the rest go to the nice fellows at the guard booth and the soldiers patrolling between here and the border.

Mrs. Barnea explained that since Nimrod, her husband of 30 years, died three years ago, she has taken to finding other outlets for her nurturing instinct. "I'm allergic to cats, unfortunately," she lamented. "My friend Meira, a few doors down, she has seven or eight cats, but while I see the appeal, I just can't handle the sneezing and the teary eyes it would cause me. So I've chosen to show affection to those who might not get that kind of attention around here. I do hope they like my apple pie."

Her routine calls for a different kind of baked goodie each day. "I have a variety of things I like to make," she explained. "I cycle through them about once every ten or eleven days, but I mix it up a little, not always doing the same thing. Sometimes I switch out apples in the pie in favor of pears, or I'll make oatmeal raisin cookies on a lark if I'm running low on chocolate chips. And now and then I'll whip up a streusel-topped marble coffee cake. You never know when the bloodthirsty gang might show up!"

"If Ahmad or Mustafa or whoever prefers some chocolate chip muffins to whatever I have on hand," Mrs. Barnea continued, "I can ask them to put the massacre on hold until I whip up a batch of chocolate chip muffins real quick. Seriously, it takes more time for the oven to preheat for those than the combined preparation and baking time. And they are just heavenly right out of the oven. I hope the boys appreciate what I do for them. A simple 'thank you' will be enough when the time comes. Such nice terrorist boys."




Thursday, February 04, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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KnessetTel Aviv, February 4 - Political groups at the extremes of Israeli society with a small following cautioned today that the representative, accountable nature of the country's political system risks collapse unless those groups exert some control over the government.

In advance of another round of parliamentary elections this coming March, parties at both far ends of Israel's political spectrum issued dire warnings that the democratic future of the country hangs in the balance: representatives of each party insisted that unless his or her tiny minority calls the shots, Israel can kiss its democratic status goodbye.

"We are the defenders of democracy," stated Meretz legislator Michal Rozin. "If we remain at our current number of seats - just a handful out of the 120 in the Knesset, corresponding to perhaps 100,000 votes - then democracy will die an even swifter death than we have warned is happening for the two decades since we last held real power. Failing to include Meretz in whichever coalition emerges in the next few months will sound the death knell for Israel as a democratic state, for at least the fortieth time in the last ten years. Israel can't call itself a democracy if it doesn't let a hundred thousand voters set policy for the other 4.5 million."

At the other end of the political spectrum, far-right activist Itamar Ben-Gvir asserted that only adopting his fringe group's agenda can the country stave off the collapse of its political system. "The challenge of our time is that, perversely, to save democracy, we must destroy it," he explained. "Some of my colleagues would like to see Arab citizens of Israel disenfranchised outright, but it might not be strictly necessary to save our democracy by limiting participation in it to people who agree with us. We also have the option of inducing non-Jews to leave and thereby forgo their right to vote. It's also a more feasible practical step, given the dominance the fringe Left has in such institutions as academia, media, and the court system. Just don't call us Kahanist! We've rebranded since the 1980's and now we identify as an oppressed minority."

Observers see parallels between the phenomenon and reactions among conservatives in the US following the failed reelection attempt by President Donald Trump. "We're seeing some of the same arguments," noted commentator Hanan Crystal. "Apparently, earning a number of votes insufficient to obtain genuine clout means that those who did vote for you are now 'disenfranchised' or 'marginalized' in some way. You're nobody today if you're not marginalized. It's what's fashionable."

Thursday, January 28, 2021

ur weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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File source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blake_jacobsladder.jpgBeth El, January 28 - A group of left-wing American lobbyists voiced dismay today following a divine commitment to an Israelite patriarch to grant the Holy Land to his descendants, objecting that the Almighty made that promise without consulting them.

J-Street Director Jeremy Ben-Ami convened a press conference Thursday to protest his organization's exclusion from the event, which took place overnight as Jacob fled to the land of Haran, northeast of the Holy Land, to seek both refuge from a vengeful older brother and to find a wife from among his mother's clan. Ben-Ami insisted that American Jewry in general, but especially his organization, must have a say in what happens from "the River of Egypt to the River Euphrates."

"It's not just a slap in the face to the largest Diaspora community," charged Ben-Ami, "but an irresponsible move. We would have warned God that making such a dangerous promise is a one-sided measure that establishes facts on the ground prejudicing the outcome of Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, and weakens Palestinian moderates by undermining the assumption that non-violence and negotiations will achieve anything. It plays into the hands of the extremists on both sides. But the Lord chose not to seek our input, and that is regrettable."

Ben-Ami expressed hope that despite the divine misstep, the Biden administration and international organizations will work to put things right. "We'll always have the UN to support a more balanced - which is to say, anti-Zionist - approach," he acknowledged. "We, of course, have to dress up our uncanny agreement with anti-Zionist positions as 'pro-Israel, pro-peace,' but they don't have to resort to such mental and rhetorical gymnastics. Right now we're conducting consultations on the feasibility of bringing a case against God to the International Criminal Court for violating I'm not sure what yet. Probably something about the Geneva Conventions or that ever-shifting phenomenon called 'International Law.' We'll see."

Ben-Ami dismissed the notion that the vast majority of American Jews, and the mainstream organizations that represent them, endorse the divine promise. "If they knew better, as we do, they would think otherwise," he insisted. "We and our allies represent the true face of American Jewry; ignore all those other organizations representing only 95%. We represent right-thinking American Jews, which is to say, American Jews who think as we do, and agree with rabid antisemites on a striking number of issues."

He also suggested J-Street will not oppose efforts to boycott God over the move.





Thursday, January 21, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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I Think The Other Hamas Fighters Trapped In This Collapsed Tunnel Are Closer Than 2 Meters

by Hussein Halabi, Hamas commando

rubbleSomewhere underground near the fence between the Gaza Strip and southern Israel, January 21 - Oh God. I think both of my legs are broken. And several ribs. And I can't feel my left arm. There's so little air in here, and it's dark. We were on our way across the border to wreak havoc among the Zionists, but then we heard a rumble and everything came tumbling down. And I think some of my comrades are half-crushed right near me in a non-socially-distanced manner!

This can't be good. No one can hear me, and it hurts to yell - I think that's my broken ribs. I don't hear anyone else, but maybe that's just my ears still malfunctioning after the loud crunch... I don't know. I'm really concerned I could get COVID my being so close to someone carrying the virus by spending all this time cooped up together with them in a confined space. If I don't suffocate or dehydrate and I end up surviving this, I could be in big trouble.

Oh, God, every part of me hurts. There's blood on my head from somewhere, probably a gash. My face feels like it's been battered in a boxing ring. I probably have dozens of cuts that will get infected from all the dirt getting in, but what concerns me most is possibly being near my buddies, one of whom might be a coronavirus vector. It can't be good to be stuck down here with that risk. My mask got torn off in the tunnel collapse and there's no way I can even dig to find it, let alone hope it's in any shape to be used; my guess is the same thing happened to the other seven guys, assuming any of them are still alive, meaning they could be breathing a viral load out into this enclosed area and I've got no choice but to inhale.

I've been so careful! I was always so considerate of the people around me. When we launched incendiary balloons at the Jews I always made sure to social distance. When we launched rockets at their school and hospitals I made sure my mask was always on. Same as when we came down this passage, both during practice runs and this, the real thing. And now, just my luck, I'm going to breathe in the pathogen and contract the disease. After all that preventive behavior. I call B.S.

Wait, is that light someone coming to rescue us? It seems to be drawing me closer... Whoever that is, keep your distance, I don't want to infect you...





Thursday, January 14, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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braided loafJerusalem, January 14 - Proprietors of a neighborhood establishment specializing in pastries, breads, and various confections has to date not voiced opinions on behalf of the enterprise regarding the ongoing political turmoil in the US, thus defying a recent trend that has seen business after business jump onto the political stability concern bandwagon.

Political observers noted with surprise today that the Mahane Yehuda franchise of the English Cake chain has placed no signs or placards in its windows denouncing or expressing worry over the developments in Washington over the last week, nor has its social media presence devoted even a single tweet or Facebook post to the violence in and around the US capitol building, the president's apparent encouragement of that violence, mutual right-left recriminations over treatment of the violence versus the various social justice confrontations over the last several years, the mass purging of conservative voices from said social media, or other burning issues of tremendous political or societal import.

"It's just business as usual," noted a shocked Haaretz journalist. "The folks running this place don't seem to feel the visceral, dare I say universal, or at least it should be universal, drive to filter everything through political biases and interpret every development in a way that confirms those biases. I confess I don't know how they do it without fear of being totally crushed on Twitter, or at least left behind when everyone *I* know can tell what political basket they should put their eggs in."

Others noted that the establishment's previous political behavior aligns with its current silence on Trump. "This isn't anything new for this branch of English Cake," observed Israel Democracy Institute fellow Dunning Kruger. "They remained mum during the first Trump impeachment brouhaha as well. And I can find in their social media history not a single mention of Black Lives Matter, the Proud Boys, the wall with Mexico, the Muslim ban, or any other pivotal issue of our time. Not even the Iran nuclear deal. One wonders how a business can even function if it focuses only on production, quality control, marketing, management, and accounting, and totally ignores its relationship with the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle."

Perusal of the franchise's Instagram account bore out that claim; it also revealed a troubling lack of diversity among the few staff members whose photos feature there, none of whom appear to be transqueer Muslim immigrant women of color.

Thursday, January 07, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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helmetGeneva, January 7 - Human rights groups and international organizations drew dark parallels today between Israel's military and Germany under Adolph Hitler, noting that the soldiers of both states carried guns, wore protective gear, operated armored vehicles, and engaged in logistics.

Six human rights organizations, among them Amnesty International, B'tselem, and Human Rights Watch, submitted a report today to the United Nations Human Rights Council, urging action against Israel, specifically the Israel Defense Force, for engaging in activities that the Nazi military also did, such as march to music and prepare field rations.

"We regret to inform the Council that once again, the Israeli military engages in constant emulation of the vilest armed force in history, known for its atrocities and perpetration of war crimes and crimes against humanity," the report read. "Among the practices that the IDF and the Wehrmacht - including the notorious Waffen SS divisions - share are drafting, training, operating an air force, maintaining naval facilities, and wearing uniforms."

"It's actually kind of frustrating to have to point these things out again and again," lamented Dean Issacharoff of Breaking the Silence. "During my own service with the IDF, I engaged in numerous behaviors that you would find just as easily among the soldiers of Nazi Germany: learning to clean a weapon; maintaining certain standards of dress and neatness; digging trenches and foxholes; handling armaments; safety procedures; salute protocols; and that's just the basics. I could spend all day detailing the eerie parallels between the Israeli military and the Wehrmacht, but seldom is there anything that anyone does about it. I hope this report to the UN shifts things in the right direction." In 2020, the Human Rights Council denounced Israel seventeen times, and other countries a total of six.

Observers questioned the rhetorical wisdom of the move. "OK, fine, the Jews are the new Nazis, I get it," shrugged pro-Palestinian activist Ali Abunimah. "We've known that since we were allying ourselves with the actual Nazis in the 1930's and 40's. Old news. But the same analogies haven't gotten us very far, so you have to wonder whether it makes sense to keep beating the same stupid drum. There has got to be a better approach to constantly reminding everyone we think of Jews as the epitome of evil who should never be allowed to live peacefully. Few of these useless reports to the UN have resulted in anything more than a mere apologia for violence against Jews, and that's a far cry from rallying the entire world to destroy them."

Thursday, December 31, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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hippie vanSacramento, December 31 - Stalwarts of forward-leaning politics voiced consternation today at a new dilemma that may force them to choose as never before between the values of ecological sensitivity and steamrolling Jewish concerns in pursuit of those values.

Progressive figures across California expressed dismay Thursday after the 48-seater vehicle, under which they had intended to throw Jews while pursuing the progressive agenda, could not meet the state's air pollution limitations, the toughest such thresholds in the nation. As never before activists observed, they must decide whether to proceed in their endeavors to implement a progressive agenda if in that pursuit they do not end up harming Jewish interests.

"It's not a problem we gave much thought to," admitted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (D-NY). "All of us just kind of assumed that throwing Jews under the bus was an automatic consequence of pursuing our vision for the twenty-first century in ecology, economics, race relations, everything. But it turns out sometimes you have to go out of your way to make harming Jewish interests, or at the very least disregarding the expressed concerns of the vast majority of the American Jewish community, an outcome. We need to have some serious conversations about how far out of our way to go to ensure that outcome, and what the other costs might be to such a direction."

Previous conflicts between Jewish concerns and the progressive agenda have tended to make Jewish concerns secondary or irrelevant to the desired outcome, as when prominent progressives have declared support for Jewish sovereignty and security in the ancestral Jewish homeland to be at odds with progressive values. "It's not Israel-Palestine per se that's the issue," explained activist and Women's March founder Linda Sarsour. "My buddies in the Nation of Islam probably couldn't care less whether Israel exists, or who rules the Palestinians, just as the Arabs in Palestine couldn't care less when they were under foreign rule for many centuries. It's the Jews of America that bother Brother Farrakhan, not the Jews of Tel Aviv, although licking the latter in the teeth might also be good. No, it's about maintaining the Jew as an enemy, and as time passes, our sensibilities have increasingly painted the Jew as the source of our community's problems, because it's more convenient to blame someone else than to fix your own problems, and hey, look, the Jews are right here, always available as scapegoats."

"But this time it's a little different," she acknowledged, "because now we have to determine whether harming Jews is simply a positive side-effect of our efforts, or a goal in itself, and if the latter, then does it outweigh other progressive goals? I think we all know what the decision will be in the end, but it looks good to have a 'conversation' about it that really only involves people who want Jews to just go away with their irritating insistence that people treat them with the same humanity and respect we demand for everyone else."

Thursday, December 24, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Berlin ruins 1945Tehran, December 24 - High-ranking officials of the Islamic Republic of Iran issued a message today to boost the confidence of the German Führer hiding in his bunker as the Red Army closed in on Berlin more than seventy-five years ago, urging the Nazi leader to view the developments of the previous two-and-a-half years positively, in that the convergence of several army groups vastly outnumbering the remaining Wehrmacht and irregular German forces on the capital of the Third Reich means that the main body of the Soviet military now lies within striking distance.

"Herr Führer, you have them right where you want them," urged Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif in a communiqué to the April 1945 Adolf Hitler in his Führerbunker. "After a series of Red Army 'victories' on the entire Eastern Front since the winter of 1943, your enemy has grown complacent, and ripe for easy defeat. You have bided your time well, lulling them into what they assume to be a routine of triumph after triumph. Soon you will bring down the hammer that crushes the enemy and energizes the citizens and soldiers of the Reich to restore the glory it has too long been denied."

"The operations at Stalingrad and Kursk were especially convincing," continued the message. "Allowing the Sixth Army to be destroyed, with the masterstroke charade of all the disagreement between you and General Paulus, to make it appear an unmitigated disaster, made all the Soviet 'maskirovka' techniques during the whole war pale by comparison. Then, to follow that up with 'losing the initiative' at Kursk must certainly have nurtured an unhealthy sense of inevitability and invincibility that subsequent Soviet advances only augmented. Now, with the enemy at the gates of Berlin, they will assume their 'final' offensive to be a cakewalk, unaware that the entire time, you, in your proven strategic and tactical brilliance, have orchestrated the entire campaign to lead to this very instant, when you sweep the rug out from under the Slavic horde at the precise moment they have been so expertly conditioned to think will belong to them, and the entire Stalinist edifice comes crashing down like the Jewish-backed Communist house of cards it is. Kudos."

The communiqué also stressed the common Aryan heritage of Hitler's "master race," noting that the term "Aryan" is the very source of the name "Iran." Zarif and the other signatories then expressed the hope that their increasingly-isolated, sanctions-plagued regime can follow a similarly dramatic path to victory as Muslim state after Muslim state joins an emerging anti-Iran coalition that even includes their onetime mutual foe Israel




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Thursday, December 17, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Israeli ballotTel Aviv, December 17 - Observers expecting something original out of the ongoing Israeli political morass voiced their disapproval this week over yet another predictable twist in the narrative, noting that talk of an eleventh-hour deal to thwart early elections could be spotted months away in the story arc, and that the writers have rested on their laurels of late, relying on hackneyed devices instead of genuine creativity.

Likud and Blue and White representatives met again Thursday to hammer out a deal that would obviate a new parliamentary contest in March, less than a year after the previous elections and the fourth such contest in two years. Audiences groaned at the development, with the dominant sentiment among them that whether or not elections occur soon, the writers of 2020 have apparently run out of ideas and have fallen back on recycling tired tropes that surprise exactly no one.

"This is the least shocking thing to happen since the last Trump Twitter diatribe," lamented Ramat Gan viewer and vocal critic Yariv Ben-Yakir. "It's tiresome at this point. Unfortunately we're a captive audience, and we don't really have a choice if we're going to pay attention to politics. The writing team needs to either buckle down and do serious work or just quit. Not a single original idea since like 2012."

"Having Naftali Bennet performing strongly in polls a couple of months ago could have been a promising plot element," acknowledged Ashdod resident Alex Dobrov. "No one on the left, or even in the center, could make a credible challenge to Netanyahu for claim of the Knesset's largest faction and the right to try forming a government first. Bennett, from the right, with Ayelet Shaked at his back, could have mounted a believable campaign to unseat Bibi from the right. But then the writers went absolutely nowhere with that. It had so much dramatic potential, and lent an element of unpredictability that audiences would have oved, but then the writers' cowardice must have taken over, because that plot line disappeared in a hurry. It's too bad."

Viewers have also refused to take seriously the Likud splinter faction now slated to run on an independent list under longtime Netanyahu rival Gid'on Sa'ar. The New Hope Party has performed well in public opinion polls, but most viewers harbor no illusions that after the next elections the party would not quietly reabsorb into Likud, with our without Netanyahu at the helm.

Thursday, December 03, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Stop Misinterpreting The 'From The River To The Sea' Call For Genocide As A Call For Genocide

by House Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI)

Rashida TlaibWashington, December 3 - A few days ago I felt compelled to remove a message I reposted from elsewhere on Twitter, a message that contained the oft-repeated slogan of Palestinian national liberation, "From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free." I decided to undo the retweet because, I belatedly understood, too many people would choose to distort the meaning of that aspiration for rendering the Jews and their welfare once again at the mercy of outside powers as an aspiration to render the Jews and their welfare once again at the mercy of outside powers.

Of course, once tweeted, even if untweeted, content on the internet can never truly be removed, all the more so when that content comes from or through a public figure; screen captures and other techniques ensured that my deletion of the post did an incomplete job of undoing it, and my political opponents proved all too ready to  exploit my error for their own propaganda purposes. They now argue that a call to place Jewish survival in the hands of a culture that allied itself, under Mufti Husseini, with Hitler's genocidal regime, betrays a desire to pursue a genocidal agenda. How many attacks against Jews and Jewish interests will it take to convince the public otherwise? I shudder to consider the answer.

This hardly represents the first time the noble goals of Palestinian liberation, of freeing historic Palestine from the villainous Zionist usurper rapist descendants of apes and swine, has been miscast as driven by animus for Jews or their sovereignty. Palestinians have no objections to Jewish sovereignty; only to Jewish sovereignty that in any way attenuates the contingent, vulnerable status Jews have always held in Muslim society. Stop trying to twist that principle into something antisemitic.

My opponents will never truly be satisfied with these explanations, a fact that merely demonstrates the lack of good faith behind their position. When a pro-Palestine activist finds himself or herself restricted from intimidating Jewish students into silence over the actions of a group of Jews on a different continent, that carries disturbing implications for freedom of speech. When Islamic charities face criminal charges for raising funds for Hamas and other Palestinian liberation groups, that carries disturbing implications for freedom of religion - all because propagandists insist on misinterpreting the Palestinian call to facilitate genocide as a Palestinian call to facilitate genocide. And that must stop.




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Thursday, November 26, 2020

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brownies2Bat-Yam, November 26 - Sources close to the father of a local family reported today that he has yet to receive an explanation from the social media giant Twitter as to its failure to date to indicate his wife's mother's post last week asserting that her baked chocolate snack food has proved superior to all others, even as the company rushes to append such disclaimers to other, less manifestly-false tweets, notably those surrounding the recent US presidential election results.

Boris Gurevich, 34, voiced exasperation and confusion Thursday upon discovering that despite his reporting it on the day she posted, Twitter has yet to append a 'This claim is disputed' alert to his mother-in-law Iris Mandel's tweet last weekend to the effect that her brownie recipe remains far and away the best on the planet. Mr. Gurevich noted that Twitter's alacrity in combating misinformation in some contexts makes this omission all the more glaring and damaging.

"Twitter can't take half measures here," insisted the father of three. "Once the company started down the road of plying arbiter of what's reliable and what's not reliable among its users' content, anything it doesn't label a 'disputed' or 'official sources called the results of this differently' by default enjoys the imprimatur of credibility. I know for sure that's just not the case. My own mother's brownies are far superior to Iris's in every possible way. I even offered to send [Twitter CEO] Jack Dorsey samples to prove it, but nothing. Zero. It's almost as if Twitter only cares about certain perspectives."

"In terms of flaky top, chewiness, richness, sweetness, salt, and of course chocolatiness, there's objectively, demonstrably, manifestly no question whose product is better," he continued, his voice rising. "I know it. My whole side of the family knows it. Even some folks on my wife's side of the family acknowledge it. My wife and kids claim not to notice or care, but I know they don't want to be seen as taking sides, and I respect that. Even though I know they agree with me. And you know what? It's fine for Iris to make that claim. People make all sorts of exaggerations in everyday communication. But for Twitter to assume the mantle of fact-checker and then fail to do its due diligence when faced with such a flagrant flouting of objective, measurable fact, well, that calls into question the whole enterprise of that fact-checking. Next you're going to tell me they also haven't labeled any propaganda tweets by Palestinian leaders, either."




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Thursday, November 19, 2020

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Cambridge, November 19 - An innovative approach to analysis of ancient documents has led at least one researcher to the hypothesis that numerous deviations in Scripture from the expected forms of words stem not from copyist errors, as commonly assumed, but from software similar in function to modern text media that automatically changes words or phrases to match its preconceived idea of the writer's intent, using an algorithm that on occasion results not in the intended words, but a distortion of them.

Oxford University Professor of Semitic Languages Edward Hargreaves suggests in a forthcoming article that various Biblical textual phenomena fit neatly into a framework that parallels the "Autocorrect" function of numerous text-based communication platforms, and that ages of scholarship and polemics on the subject of Biblical textual integrity have therefore largely been a waste of time.

"Our team looked at thousands of so-called textual anomalies in the Hebrew Scriptures," the professor explained in an interview. "The most common of these were the k'ri vs. k'tiv variety, in which the traditional enunciation of a word differs from its spelling in the text; others involve the 'hapax legomenon,' a word or root that appears only once in the entire corpus, and which, quite often, leaves the reader at a loss regarding its true meaning, because of a lack of comparative instances from which to understand it. Still others involve apparent discrepancies between manuscripts of the same text, or between different occurrences of the same phrases or verses in disparate parts of the Bible."

"We've found that upwards of 95% of these occurrences can be explained by Autocorrect," he continued. "The does not mean that many indeed occurred through that phenomenon, but that they are consistent with such a process. Among the exceptions, for example, are terms that various traditions have of specifically reading a word differently from its appearance, for purposes of euphemism, but with acknowledgement that the actual text is different. A good instance of this is the Jewish practice of refraining from the pronunciation of the Tetragrammaton, one of the most common names for the divinity, instead using a less-common one. That one alone accounts for the bulk of the exceptions to what I've taken to calling the 'Autocorrect Hypothesis.' But for the most part Autocorrect helps to explain anomalies that scholars have debated basically forever."

As for the few cases that do not fit into the hypothesis, Professor Hargreaves insisted he does not give a flying duck.




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Thursday, November 12, 2020


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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Credit: Chris McAndrew via Wikimedia Commons
Credit: Chris McAndrew via Wikimedia Commons

London, November 12 - Ousted UK Labour Chairman Jeremy Corbyn continued to argue today in favor of revoking his expulsion from the party following an inquest finding that he failed to address burgeoning antisemitism in Labour's ranks, with a promise to do better by his constituents and all of Britain by demonstrating greater ecological sensitivity than before while engaged in paying tribute to antisemitic practitioners of violence as a political tool.

An investigation by Britain's non-partisan Equality and Human Rights Commission determined last month that under Corbyn, Labour failed to take adequate measures to deal with rampant manifestations of Jew-hate among its members, and even attempted to obstruct investigative and remediation efforts that did take place. The EHRC verdict imposes legally-binding actions on Labour as a result, and the party revoked Corbyn's membership; he had previously stepped down as its leader following an embarrassing electoral showing for Labour earlier this year, with analysts attributing much of the damage to the party's poor handling of the antisemitism allegations.

Now, however, the former chairman has vowed to fight his removal. He announced today (Thursday) that while he acknowledges errors and oversights in the party's bureaucratic bungling of the issue, he remains "opposed to racism in all its forms, including antisemitism," and resolved both to appeal to the courts to reinstate him as a Labour member and to improve his conduct as a beacon of hope and tolerance by committing to use only ecologically sound methods of travel when visiting the burial sites of murderous antisemites to lay memorial wreaths.

"I do not give up easily, as my friends in Hamas and Hezbollah can attest," he insisted. "I maintain my staunch support for peace-loving movements from Ireland to Idlib, where Western imperialism has destroyed lives and civilizations and led to prejudiced depredations of the worst sort. Simply ask Basher Assad what he thinks of the issue and you will get a similar answer. But I understand I have had, in my zeal for universal human equality, some blind spots, and I resolve to correct them. No longer will I mindlessly board a polluting aircraft when I pay my respects to fallen revolutionaries who all happen to have Jewish blood on their hands. The environment represents our future, and we cannot squander the glorious socialist future that awaits us by failing to protect the environment."

"I deplore bigotry in all its forms, as I have said repeatedly over the years," he intoned. "Systemic racism is real: it's what you get when policies result in discriminatory outcomes across the board. But let us not rush to assume that when my policies and rhetoric result in dead Jews across the world, that has any bearing on whether I harbor a single antisemitic bone in my body. That is a distraction from the real issues, one of which is why Jews conspired to paint me as condoning, even encouraging, rhetoric that calls them manipulative and sinister."






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Thursday, November 05, 2020


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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ballot boxRamallah, November 5 - The President of the Palestinian Authority believes public opinion surveys showing the deep unpopularity of him personally and of his governing faction among Palestinians, even though the field demonstrated serious shortcomings in the last two US presidential contests, failing to paint an accurate picture of the situation. As such, aides disclosed, he will not announce a vote anytime soon, if at all, as his administration approaches the seventeenth year of its four-year term.

Nabil Sha'ath, adviser to Mahmoud Abbas, informed journalists Thursday that while the polling industry has it problems, the president nevertheless gives surveys of Palestinians enough credence to refrain from allowing his constituency any say in who gets to lead them, for the foreseeable future.

"Nate Silver, Qunnipiac, and all the others certainly need to get their houses in order," acknowledged Sha'ath in a series of telephone interviews. "It's unacceptable that both this year and four years ago, the so-called experts got so much wrong. Relying on them going forward will prove a shaky proposition. The thing is, while the accuracy of the art and science of polling might fall into question, they haven't been off by such an order of magnitude that we can disregard their findings altogether. Bottom line, no elections for the time being. In that respect the will of the people is dangerous to our careers, so we can't afford to let the will of the people be expressed at the moment. Or ever again."

Abbas won election as President of the Palestinian Authority in January 2005, following the death of the previous officeholder, his mentor the iconic Yasser Arafat. Parliamentary elections occurred the following year; neither type of contest has been held since. Abbas's popularity has never approached that of his predecessor, and his Fatah faction also faces a surging Islamist rival in the Hamas movement, which favors armed conflict, not compromise, with Israel. Presidential confidant and former peace negotiator Saeb Erekat cautioned that expert analysis has often proved wide of the mark, but that does not mean ignoring the experts is a wise move.

"The experts also predicted the Arab street would explode in response to every move Trump made in the Middle East," he observed. "They explained that no progress in this region could occur, no normalization with Israel, without resolution of the Palestinian issue. The events of the last several years - the Jerusalem embassy move, the pronouncement on the legality of Israeli settlements, the recognition of Israeli Golan annexation, the hard line on Iran, the Abraham Accords, you name it - the collective Arab shrug, even endorsement, in response to all those things gave the lie to the experts' learned opinions. But we're still not going to tempt fate on this one.






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