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A representative of the gut bacteria in homo sapiens issued a desperate plea on Sunday to stop wiping with election flyers because, in addition to whatever damage may result to the colorectal tissue from using harder paper, the flyers are inherently offensive and make the bacteria sick to their own stomachs, rendering them unable to perform their metabolic and ecological role.
"We understand that it's free paper and toilet paper actually costs money," acknowledged Faecalibacterium prausnitzii. "We also realize that such materials are unworthy of any dignified use, leaving few options. Certainly we appreciate the need to maintain the dignity of bird droppings by refraining from lining cages with the flyers. We simply ask that humans show the same consideration for their microbiome, and not subject us to the repulsiveness that is political campaign 'literature.'"
The statement, released through a consortium of colonic residents and timed to coincide with the final week of flyer distribution, described the paper stock as “aggressively glossy in sentiment if not always in finish.” Bacteroides fragilis, speaking for the more numerous gram-negative faction, said the problem is not merely abrasive fiber or residual ink but the rhetorical content itself. “A slogan about 'Bibi the criminal' or 'we removed existential threats' arrives already warm,” the organism noted. “By the time it reaches us it has been folded, pressed, and rhetorically exhausted. We are then expected to process both the cellulose and the platform. One of those tasks lies within our competence.”
Environmentalists warn that in addition to profligate waste of paper, the use of flyers for any purpose pollutes the discourse and and streets. The movement has succeeded in preventing the incineration of trash as a power source, and, according to horticultural experts, the processed nature of the paper stock renders it ineffective as mulch even in shredded form.
Other proposals call for using at some of the vast quantities of printed, toxic detritus as filler for graves - but burial societies and traditional communities balk at the suggestion of letting loved ones' remains suffer the eternal humiliation of proximity to such heinousness.
Already, piles of the flyers have gathered in landfills, where scavengers that willingly consume dung and rotting flesh refuse to go near anything as horrific as political dross.
