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Friday, February 16, 2024

He commands us to smile (Forest Rain)

Liron and Rakefet Eldor

By Forest Rain

He stood by the door, slightly bent over as if recovering from a punch to the gut and yet he had a smile on his face, warm words, and a hug for friends and family.

I’ve been to many Shiva houses. This is the first time I’ve seen a grief-stricken father greet those who came to pay their respects in this way.

For those unfamiliar with the Jewish mourning tradition of Sitting Shiva, this is a structured way for the bereaved family to express their grief and the community to support the family. Immediately following the funeral, for seven days (shiva means seven in Hebrew), the immediate family resides (usually) in the home of the deceased. Extended family, friends, and members of the community come without invitation to offer condolences, share memories of the deceased, and provide emotional support. The endless stream of people provides a stabilizing distraction for the mourners, helping to pass the initial shock of bereavement. Mourners are not supposed to cook or serve food, so it is customary for guests to bring food, making sure the bereaved family doesn’t have to think about themselves or their guests.

People differ in their adherence to the Jewish traditional guidelines for the Shiva. Secular Jews do not necessarily conduct the proscribed prayers, wear a kippah (yarmulke), or stick to the guidelines regarding clothes, etc. Tradition dictates that the mourners sit on low chairs or even pillows on the floor, indicating their grief and differentiating them from everyone else.

Mourners often remain sitting on their low chairs while the people around them come and go, replaced by new visitors. Sometimes the bereaved move around to visit with the different people who came to comfort them.

Liron Eldor is the first father I’ve seen greeting visitors by the door with a smile and a hug.

Liron’s son, Sergeant First Class Adi Eldor was killed in Gaza. He was just 21 years old. 

We don’t know the Eldor family personally, but they live in Haifa and their son’s life journey is very similar to that of our son – same school, both were in the Scouts and they were in the same elite army unit. Israel is a nation of people who are family who haven’t met yet so, it isn’t uncommon for people to pay condolences to families they don’t personally know. What is the difference between their son and ours?

The Eldor family is the cream of Haifa society. Well-to-do, sophisticated, intelligent, and kind people. Liron and Rakefet, Adi’s mother, are both young, attractive, and charismatic. Their beautiful home was overflowing with friends, family, and an enormous amount of food.

After we introduced ourselves to Liron I asked him the question I usually ask bereaved parents: “Tell me something about Adi so that I can remember him, although I didn’t know him.”

(It’s rather horrifying that we meet so many bereaved parents that I have an arsenal of questions to ask)

Liron smiled and told me: “You know the saying; In death, they command us to live?”

“Yes, of course” I nodded.

“In death, Adi commands us to smile. He always had smiles for everyone. There are good things and negative things to see in people. Adi always knew how to see the good and he used that to bring people together. That’s Adi.”

Then he told us about donations of food the family planned to give with an image of Adi smiling, to spread warmth and smiles to other people.

Liron’s choice of how he greeted the people who came to comfort him wasn’t random. It was a simple yet powerful way to honor his son’s legacy. Brokenhearted but still standing, he had smiles to share.

Wow. 




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