Thursday, March 31, 2022
Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.
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My Supreme Leader, We Can Attack The US And Biden Will Still Cave To All Our Demands
by Ali Mossadegh, advisor to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
Tehran, March 31- Your Holiness, I must express my admiration for your wisdom and insight regarding the Great Satan and the naivety of their political leadership. Not only did you tell us not to compromise, but to harden our demands and even extend them; you predicted that we could actively hurt American interests and Washington will still grovel to reach some sort of agreement over our nuclear program, regardless of how triumphant it makes us and how humiliated it makes them. It now appears we could conduct actual, direct terrorist operations on their soil and they will continue to grant us everything we ask for and more! A remarkable diplomatic achievement.
I suggest we do so, but defer to your greater experience and wisdom as to the timing, location - or locations - and extent of the operations. It is one thing to keep pushing Biden and the craven Democrats further and further back from their original negotiating position; it would be another entirely to risk alienating enough of the US voting public that the leadership, no matter how accommodating they wish to be to us, must take into account the animosity our actions may produce. We certainly need not take heed of domestic dissent from official policy - the perks of knowing we are right and Godly, and those who disagree are Satanic and worthy only of repression and abuse - but sadly, the Western countries adhere to benighted notions of "consent of the governed" and "accountability to the citizens." As such, we must not overreach.
I might suggest a series of coordinated attacks on strategic or important institutions with powerful symbolism, but not so powerful as to force Biden's hand against us. That means the Statue of Liberty is out, as are any number of prominent buildings in the Washington, DC area. Striking a blow against American tyranny, tempting and righteous as it may be, requires judicious restraint. Our friend Osama learned that the hard way.
Perhaps a chemical attack against a large city is in order. Not a city with the political and cultural valence of New York or Washington, however. We cannot risk the backlash. No, I suggest a city with significant population and some national renown, which probably indicates at least two major sports teams. Places such as Cleveland, for example: locales with no shortage of infidels we can murder and make suffer, but with no lasting contribution to America's sense of itself. San Diego. Seattle. Las Vegas.
I await your decision, Your Holiness.
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