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Monday, February 25, 2008

Saudi Vice, episode 9: Flirting in Mecca

Mecca. The holiest of all cities. Where one cannot walk a cubit without thinking about Allah. Where infidels and dhimmis are strictly prohibited to pollute with their presence.

It is also the land of shopping malls.

Our heroes, the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, know very well about the dangers of malls.

After all, they must be extra vigilant to guard against that most hideous of Western-style creatures - the mall rat.

The appropriately-named mall rat is a subhuman who goes to the mall, but not to shop for items that increase his holiness and piety. No, this rat has far more nefarious ideas in mind:

To use the mall to meet women.

Our ever-watchful heroes know where to look, and what to do:

Saudi Arabia began interrogating 57 men Saturday who were arrested after allegedly flirting with women in front of a shopping mall in the holy city of Mecca, a local newspaper reported.

The country's religious police arrested the men Thursday night, alleging behavior that included dancing to pop music blaring from their cars and wearing improper clothing, according to the Okaz newspaper, which is deemed close to the government.

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice runs the religious police, who are charged with enforcing Saudi Arabia's strict Islamic lifestyle.

Its members patrol public places to make sure women are covered and not wearing make up, the sexes don't mingle, shops close five times a day for Muslim prayers and men go to the mosque and worship.

The police _ informally known as the muttawa, literally "enforcer" _ don't wear uniforms. But they are recognizable by their long beards and their robes, shorter than the ones normally worn by Saudi men. They also shun the black cord that sits atop the headdress worn by most Saudi men.

Women in Saudi Arabia are required to wear a long, enveloping black cloak called an abaya and to cover their hair with a headscarf.

The newspaper report said the men who were arrested Thursday could be released if they could prove they did not flirt with any women. Otherwise, they will be transferred to court and stand trial, the paper added.

The Muttawa arrested the men on Thursday, kept them in jail of course for the Friday day of prayer, and started asking them questions about what they were doing after two nights in jail. And, obviously, if they cannot prove that they were not flirting with women - well, they will stay in jail indefinitely.

Because how else can the Commission keep the holy kingdom moral?

The streets of Mecca are now a bit safer without the improperly dressed dancing men. Thanks, once again, to our heroes.

Earlier episodes:

Episode 8: Seeing red on Valentine's Day
Episode 7: Depravity at Starbucks
Episode 6: Protecting Saudi Women
Episode 5: What's ummah, Doc?
Episode 4: The car washer
Episode 3: Holy Shi'ite
Episode 2: Alone with a strange, sick woman
Episode 1: Introduction, plus A Gang of Magicians

Saudi Vice episode 36: Don't give birth without your guardian!

It is time for another episode of:

Where we follow our heroes from the Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice as they protect and serve the Saudi public, guarding them from evil forces!

From Arab News:

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice (Haia) has officially prevented women from visiting medical clinics without male guardians.

This came after a member of the Council of Senior Scholars issued a “fatwa” (edict) prohibiting women from visiting male doctors without having male guardians present.

“Islamic law does not permit women to visit their doctors without male guardians,” said Qais Al-Mubarak, a member of the Council of Senior Scholars. “Women are prohibited from exposing body parts to male doctors in Islamic law, especially during childbirth. This does not include medical emergencies. Islamic jurisprudence makes exceptions,” he added.

If childbirth isn't an emergency, it is unclear what is. But,hey, you can understand how Saudi male obstetricians can get uncontrollably turned on at the sight of a sweaty, screaming woman exposing her private parts. It's only natural, and Islamic jurisprudence must guard against it.

Male guardians can only be the next of kin in Islam. They are sons, grandsons, husbands, brothers, fathers or uncles.

Al-Mubarak said male doctors could conduct medical examinations on female patients only if female physicians are unavailable and only if male guardians accompany them.

“Unaccompanied visits to male doctors can have negative implications,” he said.

I wonder if Saudi medical school textbooks censor gynecological diagrams. Maybe the students practice delivering babies with camels.

Other Saudi Vice news:

Of course, the annual Saudi war against Valentine's Day.

Also, if you are a woman in Saudi Arabia, don't try to go to the main library in the Grand Mosque in Mecca.

The good news? The Saudi king overturned a death penalty for an Indonesian housemaid who has been in jail for a while awaiting her execution. Her crime? Sorcery.

Saudi Vice, episode 7: Depravity at Starbucks

Yara, a mother of three and a financial consultant from Jeddah, visited the new headquarters of her company in Riyadh. The electricity was temporarily out so she decided to go with a colleague to a Starbucks on the ground floor of the building to wait. They sat in the "family section" of the coffee shop.

But her colleague was - gasp! - a man.

Immediately, our heroes from the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice sprang into action and arrested Yara and her male colleague for being in a state of "khulwa", meaning in seclusion with an unrelated member of the opposite sex. Starbucks in Saudi Arabia are secluded enough for violating the law, but not secluded enough for our heroes to be able to see what everyone is doing.

The Vice Commission wasted no time. They forced Yara into a cab, took away her cell phone when she tried to call her husband, and then placed her in a Chevrolet Suburban, the Commission's favored means of transporting immoral criminals.

The whore Yara explains what happened next:

“I told (the commission member) that I am a good Muslim, a mother of three, and a God-fearing person who would never do shameful things,” she told Arab News in tears.
Last year, the Interior Ministry issued a ruling that the commission cannot detain people and must pass them on to the police.
Yara said that she was handed a confession.
“He told me I needed to fingerprint this paper stating that I got my mobile phone and bag back,” she said. “When I told him my phone was still confiscated, he threatened me: ‘Just do it!’”
She said that she fingerprinted the paper under duress.
“I had no other choice ... I was scared for my life ... I was afraid that they would abuse me or do something to me,” she said, as she broke down in tears again.
Then another person got into the GMC and switched on the engine.

As the Commission knows well, it is far better for a woman to be alone in a car with two male commission members than in a Starbucks with any other man.

“The next thing I saw from the window was that we were approaching a place with a sign written on the outside: Malaz Prison,” she said.
Inside the prison, Yara recounts being taken to a cell with a one-way mirror. On the other side was a sheikh.
“I could not see him because there was a dark window,” she said, adding that each time she paused he would reprimand her, telling her what she did was wrong. “He kept on telling me this is not allowed.”
Yara told the sheikh that her husband knew where she was and what she was doing. He then started writing a report. Another pre-written confession was fingerprinted, she said. She pleaded with prison authorities to contact her husband.
“They would not let me contact my husband,” she said. “I told them... please... my husband will have a heart attack if he does not know what has happened to me.”
She was not given a phone to call her husband. She was not given access to a lawyer. “They stripped me,” she said. “They checked that I had nothing with me and threw me in the cell with all the others.”

The disgusting, immoral man is still in detention.

The brave men of the Commission managed to keep the streets of Riyadh free from vice for another day.

And we can all breathe easier that the "family section" of Starbucks in Riyadh is a safe place where the virtue and honor of women are respected.

Earlier episodes:

Episode 6: Protecting Saudi Women
Episode 5: What's ummah, Doc?
Episode 4: The car washer
Episode 3: Holy Shi'ite
Episode 2: Alone with a strange, sick woman
Episode 1: Introduction, plus A Gang of Magicians

Saudi Vice, episode 29: The Magic Kingdom

A few times a week, our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice arrest practitioners of a truly horrible crime: magic.

Magic, of course, is not allowed under Shari'a law. What is strange though is how many Saudi Muslims seem to believe in magic anyway.

Here are some articles from just the past couple of weeks in the Saudi Gazette:

An Arab-African male accused of “conning clients” with his claims to magic powers enabling him to “break spells, win over hearts, and divide couples” [was arrested by] the Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (Hai’a) in Makkah Tuesday.

The Makkah Hai’a spokesman said that the detained man managed to obtain “large sums of money” from “women and innocent people” through his claims to have superhuman powers. The spokesman thanked the public for their help in detaining the man and their “understanding of the role of the men of the Hai’a in containing unwanted phenomena”.

Here was a sting to catch the criminal in the act:

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (Hai’a) in Jeddah arrested an African man and handed him over to police in the Al-Jami’a district of the city Sunday on accusations of practicing magic. A Hai’a official was sent to the man, who claimed to be able to break spells, posing as a client seeking a solution to a marital problem in order to expose his activities. Hai’a spokesman Salim Al-Sarawani said the magic practitioner extracted prayer beads from his pocket and muttered unintelligible phrases before asking his client for his name, the name of his wife, and 1,000 riyals. He then promised that the issue would come to an end within three days. As the fees for his services were being handed over Hai’a officials made the arrest and transferred the man to police authorities.

The vigilance against magic extends to the regular police, who call the Muttawa for backup:

Police patrols attending the scene of a minor accident in the north of Qassim Saturday called in the Hai’a after finding one of the driver’s cases to be “full of talismans and items used in acts of magic.” Officials conducted a search after noticing the driver’s “nervous behavior” and took the man to Qasiba’ Police Station where the Hai’a were summoned to “take a look at the contents of the case and check if they were used for practicing magic.”

The magicians manage to penetrate the highest levels of Saudi society:

The Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (Hai’a) in Jeddah detained Monday an African man charged with conducting acts of black magic and sorcery on over 50 persons, among them businessmen, local officials and scholars. A Hai’a raid uncovered a long list of names, among them women, of persons who he would contact exclusively via mobile telephone text messages in order to maintain secrecy. Also found were numerous books on magic arts and some strange inscriptions. The man was found upon investigation to have been involved in a similar case two years previously.

Plus one more incident that I already posted about.

We are truly fortunate that the Muttawa is vigilant in eradicating the scourge of magic from the Kingdom. But it is an uphill battle...it appears that the number of sorcerers are increasing.

But that couldn't be because these arrests give the magicians and their acts more legitimacy in the eyes of the average Saudi Muslim, and therefore increase the number of potential customers. No, that couldn't be the case.

Saudi Vice, episode 25: The Exorcists

Life for our heroes at the Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice is not all fun and games. Sure, they will engage in high speed car chases to catch unmarried couples alone, or arrest people who allegedly cursed Mohammed, but sometimes they have very serious and complex cases as well.

Here is the sad story of witchcraft and sorcery, as recounted by the Saudi Gazette:

AL-QUWAI’IAH – Two Indonesian housemaids, identified as Suma Rini and Warnah Madthaying, cast a total of 55 spells on three families in Al-Quwai’iah. As a result of their sorcery, a boy was hospitalized for more than two months, a girl and some members of her family slipped into a coma and others were afflicted with different kinds of illnesses and pain.

According to Saudi national, S.Dh., the family’s tragedy began with the illness of one of their sons who was hospitalized in King Fahd Medical City Hospital for two months. When the housemaid, Suma Rini, visited the boy in the hospital, she told his mother that the boy was not in need of doctors or a hospital because he had a Satan in him, and that the boy’s eyes were a clear indication of this.

The housemaid’s words caused the mother to become suspicious, and she continued to press the housemaid for the reasons behind what she had said. The housemaid said that when she was in Indonesia, she used to read a book on sorcery, magic and conjuring the jinn. This created doubts which increased when one of the family’s relatives visited the boy in order to recite verses of the Holy Qur’an.

When the recitation began, the housemaid ran away saying that everything had become dark, which only increased the family’s suspicions. This led the family to conclude that all that was happening was in some way because of the housemaid.

As a result, the family decided to begin discussing the matter with the housemaid in a way which would not arouse her suspicions in order to discover what secrets she was hiding.

The housemaid was reassured that no harm would come to her, and she was also tempted with a fake check for a large amount of money and with air tickets.

At that point, she admitted that she had cast spells on the whole family, each member with a special charm according to what she wanted from him or her. She also said that she was able to cast spells but did not know how to undo them. The family agreed to give her even larger amounts of money provided she showed them where she had placed the magic charms so that they could find another person who was able to undo them.

What should a family do in such circumstances? Who has the specialized training necessary to fix powerful, magic spells - and put the maid in jail?

Why, it must be our heroes of the Muttawa!

The family informed the security authorities in Al-Quwai’iah and two staff members of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice came to the family’s house. The housemaid then showed them 15 places in the house where she had put charms, which the Commission staff removed and undid. In her charms and spells, the housemaid had used pins, nails, broken glass, clothes hangers and symbols that no one could understand. The Saudi national, S.Dh., said Suma Rini was then taken to the police station and her confessions were attested at Al-Quwai’iah Court in the presence of translators.

On asking Suma Rini about another housemaid named Warnah Madthaying working in the home of S.Dh.’s sister, she indicated that Madthaying was also involved in sorcery. The same method was used to lure Madthaying until she finally admitted casting spells in the sister’s and brother’s home. She showed the Commission staffers 40 different locations where she had hidden these spells and they were removed and undone.

While sorcery is strictly forbidden in the Holy Quran, apparently the purest of the pure and the holiest of the holy do have the esoteric knowledge needed to undo the effects of sorcery. Luckily, they also have the power to put away the evil Indonesian maids forever!

Once again, we must thank Allah for the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, keeping people safe from magic and evil jinns!

Saudi Vice, episode 26: Blind Date

From the Saudi Gazette:

A first date turned into a disaster for a 40-year-old college teaching assistant who was arrested here Saturday for being in illegal seclusion (or Khalwa) with an unrelated woman, authorities said.

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, known as the Hai’a, received a report of an unrelated couple inside a mall restaurant and rushed to the scene to investigate, a Hai’a official said.

When the Hai’a asked the man about his relationship with the woman, he showed them his family registry card, claiming that the woman was his wife.

The Hai’a officers then backed off, but they were not convinced. They kept a close eye on the couple.

The academic soon accompanied the woman to a mall gate. Noticing that she was preparing to leave the place on her own, the Hai’a officers stopped him and questioned his relationship with the woman once more.

That was when he admitted that she was his girlfriend.

The man was taken to the Hai’a office where he admitted that he was on his first date with the woman. He told the Hai’a officials that their relationship started through an Internet messenger service.

During the investigation, the man said that he had come all the way to Hail to meet up with woman as a first step toward marriage.

The man was then taken to a police station where he was detained. The woman was released.

Our heroes from the Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice know how dangerous mall restaurants can be to the sanctity of women's virtue. Perhaps saying that khalwa means real seclusion is good enough for those Muslim posers in Dubai and Jordan, but our Saudi Muslim vice-cop heroes know that any man within twenty meters of a woman has the potential of ripping her clothes off and violating her right then and there.

And how do they know it? Because that's' what they fantasize about, 24/7!

Other episodes here.

Saudi Vice, episode 8: Seeing red on Valentine's Day

One of the biggest annual challenges that our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice have to face each year is the proliferation of the color red in mid-February. As the Saudi Gazette reports:

Islamic scholars around the Kingdom such as Sheikh Khaled Al-Dossari preach that celebrating Valentine's Day and other non-Islamic celebrations is a sin. "As Muslims we shouldn't celebrate a non-Muslim celebration especially this one that encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women," Dossari, a scholar in Islamic Studies and the Shariah, said.

In the face of such a clear and obvious violation of sharia law, it is up to our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice to make sure that young Saudis do not stray - and that means targeting the sources of the scourge:

Agents of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice visited flower and gift shops in the capital Saturday night to instruct them to remove all red items - from red roses and wrapping paper to boxes and teddy bears - from their shelves, shop workers said.
"They visited us last night," said a couple of florists Sunday morning.
"They gave us warnings and this morning we packed up all the red items and displays."
Sunday was the last day people could buy red roses in Riyadh, until Valentine's Day on Feb. 14 passes.

Every year, Commission agents visit flower shops a couple of days before Feb. 14 to issue warnings. On the eve of Valentine's Day, they start their raids and confiscate any red items that are symbols of love, florists here said.

But the sinners are clever, willing to flout the obvious law of Allah to further their capitalist/Zionist goals:

As a result of the ban, there's a black market in red roses.
"A single rose costs around SR5-7 but today the same rose costs SR10 a piece and the price will go up to SR20-30 on Valentine's Day," said a florist who caters to customers on Valentine's Day from his apartment.

Loyal customers place orders with the florist days and sometimes weeks before Feb. 14. "Sometimes we deliver the bouquets in the middle of the night or early morning, to avoid suspicion," said the florist.

Many young hearts are planning to celebrate in their own way, whether in secret, abroad or on the Web.

"I send e-cards to all my special friends online," said Famita Hakeem, a young Saudi university student.

"We are planning on going to Dubai Wednesday night to celebrate Valentine's Day as a couple," said Hannan Radi, a Saudi wife and teacher.

Ms. Radi should have been more circumspect in her comments, as the Muttawa will be waiting upon her return to their territory.

Saudi Vice, episode 32: Tats Entertainment

From Emirates 24/7:

Saudi Arabia’s religious police have told foreign players with tattoos on their arms to cover such drawings while on the field, saying they are adversely affecting young Saudis, a newspaper reported on Monday.

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice sent a letter to the Higher Youth Committee asking it to warn all foreign players in the conservative Muslim Gulf kingdom to cover their tattoos before going into the field during matches, Sabq Arabic language daily said.

The letter cited Columbian player at Al Nasr Club, Juan Pablo Pino, whose hands and shoulders are covered with tattoos “in violation of existing rules.”

“These tattoos have negative effects on the Saudi youth…you are asked to draw the attention of all foreign players in the Kingdom to the need to abide by the rules and cover their tattoos during matches,” the letter said.

The paper said the letter contained a photograph of Pino, showing his two arms are covered with tattoos.

The paper said the letter followed a picture published in local newspapers showing Pino’s tattoos included some “Christian drawings.”

The 24-year-old Pino and his pregnant wife were detained by Commission members at a Riyadh shopping mall this week on the grounds he was wearing a T-shirt without sleeves.

Saudi Vice, episode 18: Pet Peeve

Dogs and cats are cute. And this is what makes them evil.

In addition, it is of course against Sharia law to own a dog as a pet.

But beyond that...what woman can resist petting an adorable dog or cat? It is impossible to imagine that she wouldn't, because women are so inherently weak.

Some unsavory Saudi men have noticed this female weakness, and have taken advantage of it. They would wantonly walk dogs in public areas, forcing chaste Saudi women - against their conscious will - to pet and coo over these hideous beasts that are denigrated in the holy hadiths. Once they pet the animals, it is only a short step to full-blown adultery with the dog owner.

So it is imperative that innocent Saudi women and girls be protected from their evil petting impulses. But how can we protect them?

Luckily, our heroes, the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, have the solution. They have outlawed everyone in Saudi Arabia from owning pet dogs and cats.

Othman al-Othman, head of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice in Riyadh, known as the Muttawa, told the Saudi edition of al-Hayat daily that the commission was implementing a decision taken a month ago by the acting governor of the capital, Prince Sattam bin Abdul Aziz, adding that it follows an old edict issued by the supreme council of Saudi scholars.
The reason behind reinforcing the edict now was a rising fashion among some men using pets in public "to make passes on women and disturb families," he said, without giving more details.
Othman said that the commission has instructed its offices in the capital to tell pet shops "to stop selling cats and dogs".

Thanks to Allah and the Commission, innocent Saudi women can now walk the streets freely without being forced to stop themselves from petting dogs and cats.

Saudi Vice, episode 13: Lockdown!

We have already seen many of the adventures of our heroes, the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. But what happens to the perps after the crime was committed? How does the Commission ensure that these lowlife immoral scum - especially the women - are never allowed to corrupt upstanding Saudi citizens any more?

The brilliant mullahs who guide our heroes have a foolproof, fail-safe method of ensuring the purity of Saudi society. From the Saudi Gazette, referring to Saudi women's prisons:

[S]ome inmates who had been indiscriminately arrested by the Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice on charges of illegal actions stay in custody indefinitely, simply because the commission never gets around to pressing charges...

Brilliant! If they never get charged, they can never go free!

And what about those that did manage to get sentenced? As the National Human Rights Society found:

In a surprise visit to the Berman Prison in Jeddah last week, the National Human Rights Society (NHRS) found that four female inmates have AIDS, and two others suffer from Tuberculosis.

She said the delegation was stunned to learn that King Saud Hospital in Jeddah had turned down repeated requests to conduct HIV tests for the female inmates, claiming that the test is too expensive.

The NHRS’s team, headed by Jawhara Al-Anqari, the Society’s Deputy Chairman for Family Affairs, also found that there were Saudi women who were still in prison after they had completed their jail terms, because their families refused to receive them....

Furthermore, the delegation found that all the prisoners were being kept in the same dormitories, regardless of age and crime records.

So the Commission wisely throws women in prison when they are suspected of horrific crimes like "khulwa" and while in prison they might be stuck there forever, exposed to other prisoners who are only murderers or the like, and exposed to diseases that can kill them.

Thus ensuring that they never, ever get back on the streets where they might entice young men into a meal at a public restaurant.

Our heroes have saved Saudi society's purity yet again!

Saudi Vice, episode 24: Wild college women

Al Yamamah College, a Saudi Arabian institution of advanced learning, hosted a British University Fair last Sunday. At this fair, representatives of 25 British universities could interact with potential students and tell them all about their programs, and the students could ask questions.

The organizers of the fair might have had good educations, but they didn't think about the moral implications of such a sinful gathering:

* Some of the British representatives were - women!
* Some of the potential Saudi students were - women!

Our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice wasted no time to stop this outrage. They barged into the fair, posing as government representatives, and immediately demanded that any Saudi women attendees leave the fair immediately.

They then went to the British whores, I mean, university representatives, and told them to stop all their interactions with the remaining male students.

The British fair organizers caved to the clear moral imperatives that the Muttawa politely demanded of them and told their women to leave the fair.

Thanks to our heroes, Saudi women cannot go abroad to study, where they would inevitably become corrupted by the evil infidels, and virtuous Saudi men cannot be seduced by the loose British women who dare enter Saudi Arabia under the pretense of marketing their universities, those dens of iniquity.

And Saudi Arabia is safe and moral again!

Previous episodes can be seen here.

Saudi Vice, episode 28: Don't brag about sex

Mazen Abdul Jawad is a hip, modern kind of Arab guy. He is macho and proud of it. So proud, that we went on Lebanese TV to brag about his sexual conquests. As Arab News reports:

Mazen Abdul Jawad appeared on the program last week in a red button-down shirt and open collar bragging in graphic detail about his sexual conquests.
In the segment, Abdul Jawad talks about having slept with a neighbor when he was only 14 and how this got him interested in sex. After discussing sex and foreplay in graphic detail and providing a recipe for an aphrodisiac, Abdul Jawad is seen getting into his vehicle at night on a Jeddah street.
“It all starts with turning my Bluetooth on while cruising around in my car,” he tells the camera.

Our heroes, the Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, sprang into action. How dare a Saudi man go on TV and brag about the women he scored with?

Ahmad Qasim Al-Ghamdi, director of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice for Makkah, told Arab News that speaking so openly about vice is a punishable offense and that everyone involved with the broadcast is culpable.

“It is wrong to host people on television to speak publicly about vice and issues against our religion,” he said. “The program presents anomalies and deviancy in society that are unacceptable and immoral and should be punished according to Shariah.”

For Abdul Jawad to be punished on the basis of admitting to pre-marital sex he would have to confess in a court-approved manner.

However, speaking publicly about vice is also a punishable offense. Both offenses are subject to lashing and/or jail time at the discretion of the court.

The world is a little safer now, thanks to our heroes at the Muttawa!

Saudi Vice, episode 12: Flying sorcerors

It was a busy day for our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.

First, they managed to chase a young couple into the path of an oncoming truck.

But there was another, more nefarious evil happening, unbelievably, in the holy Kingdom itself:

Sorcery.

Two Yemenis and a Sudanese man were practicing the black arts in Dhamad, Jizan. They had books and formulas showing how to cast spells, ready to do the most horrible things to innocent Muslims who stumble across their paths.

Luckily, our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice found out about these criminals and arrested them.

As the Saudi Gazette reports:

The three are charged with “malicious activities” to break up marriages and inflict harm on people for money. They reportedly slaughtered black sheep as part of their sorcery rituals.

And once the Muttawa were done with them, the three confessed to these heinous crimes.

The newspaper explains the crime of practicing "malicious magic":

As per Shariah law, Saudi Arabia prohibits sorcery. “Malicious magic” is perceived to have the power to influence the mind, body or possessions and cause disease, sickness in animals, bad luck, sudden death, impotence and other such misfortunes.

Truly, how fortunate the Saudi people are that they have people who put their own manhood at risk in order to save the rest of the Saudi males from magical impotence.

Another stellar day for our heroes, and now Saudi men can sleep better at night knowing that they are safe from black magic.

Saudi Vice, episode 20: Wear any color as long as it is black

The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice has been under pressure lately. Saudi newspapers have been criticizing it, their members have been associated with murdering and fatal high speed chases, and in general the religious police have felt that their grip on power has been slipping, and with it the morals of the entire great country of Saudi Arabia.

To counteract this, they have been stepping up their activities against the most immoral and depraved of Saudi society - the shopkeepers who sell adorned abayas:

In an attempt to reassert their power, Saudi Arabia’s religious police have ordered shopkeepers in downtown Riyadh to get rid of all adorned abayas, the black robes worn by women in the kingdom, as shopping picks up ahead of the Eid religious holidays next week.

Salesmen in Al-Maagaliah market, just across the block from the headquarters of the religious police, or mutawa’a, this week were turning away frustrated shoppers who wanted abayas with a hint of colour or decoration, telling them that shopowners could face fines or prison.

In recent years, the signature flowing robe that covers Saudi women from head to toe started to show some form with trimmed sleeves, beads or colour, a sign of relaxation of the strict social norms in the conservative kingdom.

Though the changes were subtle, abayas provoked a tug of war between the liberal voices lobbying to give women more choice and conservative religious institutions determined to impose their austere ways through the religious police.

Liberal commentators say the religious police who roam shopping malls and public places are using the crackdown to demonstrate their continued authority after recent moves that have curbed their arbitrary powers.

After allegations of gross violations of human rights led to media uproar, the mutawa’a have been banned from chasing suspects without an escort from the regular police. They have also been forced to carry government-issued identification cards.

Women’s rights activists, however, are concerned that the crackdown on the abaya marks a setback after early symbolic gains achieved since King Abdullah came to power in 2005.

“They [the mutawa’a] want women to be faceless, nameless and shrouded in blackness,’’ said Samar Falan, a women’s rights activist and writer based in the city of Jeddah.

“We kept quiet when we should have confronted the radicals. I believe Muslim women should dress modestly and cover their hair, but they do not have to look gruesome.”

“They should focus on fighting vices, not women,’’ says Buthaina Nassr, another activist. “I do not understand why they force us to wear black in such a hot country while men can wear white.”

In other Sharia news, Saudi Arabia announced that terrorism suspects will be tried in Sharia courts.

Which means that if the terrorists memorize enough of the Quran, they should be able to get out of jail earlier.

Saudi Vice, episode 22: A Hard Day's Night

A vigilant citizen of Saudi Arabia, who moonlights as an informant for the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, suspected something was amiss at his local pharmacy. Something was wrong.

Something was haraam.

The patriotic citizen suspected that the pharmacy was selling "unlicensed" anti-impotence drugs.

To make things even worse, these sales were occurring in the Holy City of Mecca (Makkah).

If these had been any other kinds of unlicensed drugs, no doubt the citizen would have reported it to the local police. But since these drugs are associated with behavior that could be considered immoral (if you have a particularly dirty mind,) he instead called the Religious Police.

Our heroes of the Muttawa wasted no time in rising to the challenge.

They arranged a "sting" operation that was sure to be painful for the violator.

A member of the religious police, no doubt whistling while trying to act nonchalant, asked the pharmacist is he had any medicines that could help his embarrassing erectile dysfunction problem.

The pharmacist insisted he had no such drugs.

But our undercover hero returned, whining about his inability to perform and begging for any help the druggist could provide to prevent this man's eternal shame and dishonor. When couched in such terms, the pharmacist had no choice but to try to accommodate the request, so he sent a trusted aide to fetch the magic pills from a warehouse.

Upon the assistant's return, the trap was sprung. A team of highly-trained religious police swooped down and arrested the pharmacist and his assistant. They also raided the warehouse and confiscated large quantities of similar contraband, so they can destroy it (or, perhaps, use them for purely scientific experiments - double blind studies and the like.)

Thanks to the Muttawa, the holy streets of Mecca are once again safe from horny Saudis.

All Saudi Vice episodes can be seen here. With this 22nd episode, we now have an entire season of SV!

Saudi Vice, episode 34: Too much of a good thing

From Saudi Gazette:

A Hai’a security inspector has been fined SR3,000, six weeks in prison and 120 lashes for marrying more than four women and breaking residency laws.

The Hai’a is the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice.

He married three Saudi women, who are on his identity card, two non-Saudi women who don’t have Iqamas [Saudi residency cards - EoZ] and a non-Saudi who has an Iqama, reported Al-Madina Arabic daily on Monday.

It is against Islamic law for a Muslim man to have more than four wives at one time.

The Control and Investigation Board (CIB) accused the Hai’a employee of unethical behavior and abusing his position. The Administrative Court at the Jizan Board of Grievances in Uhud Al-Masariha gave him 120 lashes for marrying more than four wives.

The Administrative Committee at Jizan Passport Administration fined the Hai’a employee SR3,000 and sentenced him to six weeks in prison for covering up for two women who didn’t have Iqamas.

Hasn't he been punished enough?

The case of the employee was discovered three years ago. He was arrested by the police and the Hai’a at a furnished apartment.

He was also ordered to memorize certain chapters of the Holy Qur’an and study their interpretation. He was also banned from traveling abroad for five years, delivering a speech in the mosque and leading prayers in the mosque.

Saudi religious police ban red items ahead of Valentine's Day

From AP:

The Saudi religious police are cracking down on stores selling items that are red or in any other way allude to banned celebrations of Valentine's Day.
A Saudi official says policemen are inspecting shops for red roses, heart-shaped products or gifts wrapped in red, and ordering storeowners to get rid of them.

Such items are legal at other times of the year, but as February 14 nears they become contraband.

Saudi Arabia bans celebration of Western holidays such as Valentine's Day, named after a Christian saint said to have been martyred by the Romans in the 3rd Century.

Most shops in Riyadh's upscale neighborhoods have removed all red items from their shelves.

Red wrapping paper is also forbidden.

The many Filipino workers in Saudi Arabia were warned not to do anything valentine-y in public on February 14th, including blowing kisses.

AP is watering down the reasons that the Saudis are against Valentine's Day. It is not strictly because it is a Christian holiday, but because (as I mentioned in a Saudi Vice episode two years ago)

As Muslims we shouldn't celebrate a non-Muslim celebration especially this one that encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women.

Here's the perfect gift for Saudi Valentine's Day!

Saudi Vice, episode 17: Tat's all, folks

A Filipino worker in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia was very happy with his life. He was so happy that he even got a tattoo during one of his visits home that said "Lady Hunter ... KSA."

He came back to the Kingdom and went about his business. But a Saudi Electricity Company worker noticed his tattoo and was aghast.

He followed the man home to find out his address, and then conscientiously called our heroes, the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, telling them that clearly this man was aiming to have an illegal illicit affair with innocent Muslim Saudi women.

Our heroes at the Muttawa didn't waste any time investigating these allegations. They searched the man's home, and found even more reasons to punish the Filipino - he had pictures of Filipino women workers in his home!

Will the horrors never cease?

The Muttawa had seen enough. The man was deported away from the Kingdom and its holy places, and Saudi Arabia is a little bit safer from such deviants who dare have tattoos and pictures of women.

Saudi Vice, episode 16: The blasphemous barbers

A number of weeks ago a Saudi man went to a barber shop and heard something that made his skin crawl.

At least, he claims that he did. It is possible that he was in a bad mood, or that he got into an argument with the barber, or that he just didn't like his haircut.

At any rate, he knew that he had legal recourse. He immediately contacted our heroes at the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, and told them that his Turkish barber had blasphemed Mohammed (PBUH.)

The Muttawa sprang into action. They immediately went to the barber shop and arrested the suspect, named Ersin Taze.

By an amazing coincidence, some 15 months ago another Turkish barber, Sabri Bogday, was arrested in Saudi Arabia by our same heroes for exactly the same offense.

In this case, the Turkish Embassy intervened and asked the Saudi justice system to expedite the trial, and the case against Mr. Taze was dismissed for lack of evidence.

Mr. Bogday, on the other hand, remains in jail, convicted and sentenced to death, as his appeals have not all been filed yet. Bogday got into an argument with his neighbor, an Egyptian tailor, and he was arrested after the tailor told the police that he had sworn at God. While Bogday has been in prison for over a year, the Egyptian who made the allegation has disappeared.

Mr. Taze is using his newfound freedom to get out of Saudi Arabia.

Our heroes at the Muttawa have therefore managed to get one blasphemous creature off the streets and another one out of the Kingdom.

A job well done, boys!

Saudi Vice, episode 6 (double episode) - Protecting Saudi Women

Two Saudi women were walking down the street in Alkhobar. Shockingly, they dared to do this act while wearing (Allah forbid) - makeup.

Luckily, our heroes from the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice were on the scene to be able to kindly explain to them the error of their ways.

But these women, who had already proven that they didn't understand their proper role in the world, turned violent. They called the helpful Muttawa "terrorists," and one sprayed them with pepper spray while the other taped the incident on her cell phone.

As a Muttawa spokesperson, um, spokesman explained it: "Two members of the commission were attacked, cursed and sworn at by two women, who were blatantly dolled up."

The Commission sprang into action, and together with Saudi's Best security personnel they were able to subdue the women, who saw the error of their ways and apologized for their improper behavior.

Meanwhile, in Jeddah, many restaurants set up outdoor tables for their customers to eat their Iftar meals during the hot Ramadan nights. The Commission noticed that not only were men sitting at these tables, but their wives and daughters were as well!

Not only that, but some of the women also were "dolled up," wearing the Shaytan's (Satan's) makeup!

The Muttawa didn't hesitate. They immediately banned families from eating together to avoid the horrible crime of women eating in public with their husbands. Wives and daughters were forced to stand next to tables where the head of the household sat in all his splendor.

While the restaurant owners expressed some concern over losing business, they are nothing but infidels who do not realize the importance of maintaining high standards of modesty and decorum. How else can you properly defend women from male advances without forcing them to stay completely away from men?

Once again, the Kingdom is safer because of the courageous actions of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.