Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Friday, February 12, 2021









Thursday, February 11, 2021







Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

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star cookiesKissufim, Southern Israel, February 11 - A resident of this pastoral community near the Islamist-controlled Gaza Strip boasted today that she maintains a stockpile of fresh cakes and pastries just to be prepared for the eventuality of being able to feed terrorists who clambered through underground passages from the neighboring coastal territory to weak mayhem.

Sophia Barnea, 60, told reporters yesterday that she takes pride in her ability to get all of her freelance and homemaking work done and still have time to bake almost every day, in case a terrorist shows up to slaughter civilians and wants a muffin and maybe a cup of tea.

"It's something I make a point of doing," she asserted, gesturing to a platter of still-warm chocolate chip cookies. "If no boys from Hamas or Islamic Jihad stop by that day, I'll eat a few, but I am watching my weight, so the rest go to the nice fellows at the guard booth and the soldiers patrolling between here and the border.

Mrs. Barnea explained that since Nimrod, her husband of 30 years, died three years ago, she has taken to finding other outlets for her nurturing instinct. "I'm allergic to cats, unfortunately," she lamented. "My friend Meira, a few doors down, she has seven or eight cats, but while I see the appeal, I just can't handle the sneezing and the teary eyes it would cause me. So I've chosen to show affection to those who might not get that kind of attention around here. I do hope they like my apple pie."

Her routine calls for a different kind of baked goodie each day. "I have a variety of things I like to make," she explained. "I cycle through them about once every ten or eleven days, but I mix it up a little, not always doing the same thing. Sometimes I switch out apples in the pie in favor of pears, or I'll make oatmeal raisin cookies on a lark if I'm running low on chocolate chips. And now and then I'll whip up a streusel-topped marble coffee cake. You never know when the bloodthirsty gang might show up!"

"If Ahmad or Mustafa or whoever prefers some chocolate chip muffins to whatever I have on hand," Mrs. Barnea continued, "I can ask them to put the massacre on hold until I whip up a batch of chocolate chip muffins real quick. Seriously, it takes more time for the oven to preheat for those than the combined preparation and baking time. And they are just heavenly right out of the oven. I hope the boys appreciate what I do for them. A simple 'thank you' will be enough when the time comes. Such nice terrorist boys."




Wednesday, February 10, 2021







Friday, February 05, 2021







Thursday, February 04, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons....






Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.

KnessetTel Aviv, February 4 - Political groups at the extremes of Israeli society with a small following cautioned today that the representative, accountable nature of the country's political system risks collapse unless those groups exert some control over the government.

In advance of another round of parliamentary elections this coming March, parties at both far ends of Israel's political spectrum issued dire warnings that the democratic future of the country hangs in the balance: representatives of each party insisted that unless his or her tiny minority calls the shots, Israel can kiss its democratic status goodbye.

"We are the defenders of democracy," stated Meretz legislator Michal Rozin. "If we remain at our current number of seats - just a handful out of the 120 in the Knesset, corresponding to perhaps 100,000 votes - then democracy will die an even swifter death than we have warned is happening for the two decades since we last held real power. Failing to include Meretz in whichever coalition emerges in the next few months will sound the death knell for Israel as a democratic state, for at least the fortieth time in the last ten years. Israel can't call itself a democracy if it doesn't let a hundred thousand voters set policy for the other 4.5 million."

At the other end of the political spectrum, far-right activist Itamar Ben-Gvir asserted that only adopting his fringe group's agenda can the country stave off the collapse of its political system. "The challenge of our time is that, perversely, to save democracy, we must destroy it," he explained. "Some of my colleagues would like to see Arab citizens of Israel disenfranchised outright, but it might not be strictly necessary to save our democracy by limiting participation in it to people who agree with us. We also have the option of inducing non-Jews to leave and thereby forgo their right to vote. It's also a more feasible practical step, given the dominance the fringe Left has in such institutions as academia, media, and the court system. Just don't call us Kahanist! We've rebranded since the 1980's and now we identify as an oppressed minority."

Observers see parallels between the phenomenon and reactions among conservatives in the US following the failed reelection attempt by President Donald Trump. "We're seeing some of the same arguments," noted commentator Hanan Crystal. "Apparently, earning a number of votes insufficient to obtain genuine clout means that those who did vote for you are now 'disenfranchised' or 'marginalized' in some way. You're nobody today if you're not marginalized. It's what's fashionable."

Wednesday, February 03, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning old cartoons...






Tuesday, February 02, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning old cartoons...





Monday, February 01, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning old cartoons...






Sunday, January 31, 2021

Continuing my series....






Friday, January 29, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons....







Thursday, January 28, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons...









ur weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.


File source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blake_jacobsladder.jpgBeth El, January 28 - A group of left-wing American lobbyists voiced dismay today following a divine commitment to an Israelite patriarch to grant the Holy Land to his descendants, objecting that the Almighty made that promise without consulting them.

J-Street Director Jeremy Ben-Ami convened a press conference Thursday to protest his organization's exclusion from the event, which took place overnight as Jacob fled to the land of Haran, northeast of the Holy Land, to seek both refuge from a vengeful older brother and to find a wife from among his mother's clan. Ben-Ami insisted that American Jewry in general, but especially his organization, must have a say in what happens from "the River of Egypt to the River Euphrates."

"It's not just a slap in the face to the largest Diaspora community," charged Ben-Ami, "but an irresponsible move. We would have warned God that making such a dangerous promise is a one-sided measure that establishes facts on the ground prejudicing the outcome of Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, and weakens Palestinian moderates by undermining the assumption that non-violence and negotiations will achieve anything. It plays into the hands of the extremists on both sides. But the Lord chose not to seek our input, and that is regrettable."

Ben-Ami expressed hope that despite the divine misstep, the Biden administration and international organizations will work to put things right. "We'll always have the UN to support a more balanced - which is to say, anti-Zionist - approach," he acknowledged. "We, of course, have to dress up our uncanny agreement with anti-Zionist positions as 'pro-Israel, pro-peace,' but they don't have to resort to such mental and rhetorical gymnastics. Right now we're conducting consultations on the feasibility of bringing a case against God to the International Criminal Court for violating I'm not sure what yet. Probably something about the Geneva Conventions or that ever-shifting phenomenon called 'International Law.' We'll see."

Ben-Ami dismissed the notion that the vast majority of American Jews, and the mainstream organizations that represent them, endorse the divine promise. "If they knew better, as we do, they would think otherwise," he insisted. "We and our allies represent the true face of American Jewry; ignore all those other organizations representing only 95%. We represent right-thinking American Jews, which is to say, American Jews who think as we do, and agree with rabid antisemites on a striking number of issues."

He also suggested J-Street will not oppose efforts to boycott God over the move.





Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons....






Monday, January 25, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons...







Thursday, January 21, 2021

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory.

Check out their Facebook page.


I Think The Other Hamas Fighters Trapped In This Collapsed Tunnel Are Closer Than 2 Meters

by Hussein Halabi, Hamas commando

rubbleSomewhere underground near the fence between the Gaza Strip and southern Israel, January 21 - Oh God. I think both of my legs are broken. And several ribs. And I can't feel my left arm. There's so little air in here, and it's dark. We were on our way across the border to wreak havoc among the Zionists, but then we heard a rumble and everything came tumbling down. And I think some of my comrades are half-crushed right near me in a non-socially-distanced manner!

This can't be good. No one can hear me, and it hurts to yell - I think that's my broken ribs. I don't hear anyone else, but maybe that's just my ears still malfunctioning after the loud crunch... I don't know. I'm really concerned I could get COVID my being so close to someone carrying the virus by spending all this time cooped up together with them in a confined space. If I don't suffocate or dehydrate and I end up surviving this, I could be in big trouble.

Oh, God, every part of me hurts. There's blood on my head from somewhere, probably a gash. My face feels like it's been battered in a boxing ring. I probably have dozens of cuts that will get infected from all the dirt getting in, but what concerns me most is possibly being near my buddies, one of whom might be a coronavirus vector. It can't be good to be stuck down here with that risk. My mask got torn off in the tunnel collapse and there's no way I can even dig to find it, let alone hope it's in any shape to be used; my guess is the same thing happened to the other seven guys, assuming any of them are still alive, meaning they could be breathing a viral load out into this enclosed area and I've got no choice but to inhale.

I've been so careful! I was always so considerate of the people around me. When we launched incendiary balloons at the Jews I always made sure to social distance. When we launched rockets at their school and hospitals I made sure my mask was always on. Same as when we came down this passage, both during practice runs and this, the real thing. And now, just my luck, I'm going to breathe in the pathogen and contract the disease. After all that preventive behavior. I call B.S.

Wait, is that light someone coming to rescue us? It seems to be drawing me closer... Whoever that is, keep your distance, I don't want to infect you...





Continuing my series of recaptioned cartoons....








Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning cartoons....







Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Continuing my series of recaptioning single-panel cartoons...







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