Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory



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Arab childGaza City, March 28 - Tension gripped the Izzedin al-Qassam Brigades this week in advance of operations against the Zionist Entity, as several platoons of fighters discovered they had not received their allotment of women and children to use as human shields.

Commanders in the Gaza City, Sujaiyya, and Rafah districts complained this week that their requisitions for the proper number of noncombatants to accompany their units had gone unfulfilled, leaving the rocket-launching, tunnel-digging, and roadside-bomb-planting squads without the cover that those human shields provide. Without the women, children, and elderly Gazans, they note, the units are unable to leverage their presence to score either political or military victories against Israel.

"My orders, and the battle plan, call for placing the women and children in harm's way, either to deter Israeli fire or to capitalize on the deaths to depict the Zionists as brutal fiends," explained Mustafa Massiqr of the Rafah district. "Without the children to either prevent or absorb enemy fire, I can't proceed according to plan. I can't expose my men to enemy fire like that."

"That's not how our training has taught us to fight," seconded a commander near the Kerem Shalom crossing who gave his name as Ali. "We can pretend it's our glorious, courageous warriors taking the fight to the Zionist infidel pig all we want, but without the women and children we're essentially naked. What am I supposed to do, send our fighters out to confront enemy soldiers while not violating six or seven laws of armed conflict? Not happening."

Hamas's command center inside Shifa Hospital in Gaza City has remained mum on the cause of the supply snafu, leading those in the field to speculate. "There have been rumors of dissatisfaction with Hamas rule, so maybe some noncombatants have just stopped 'volunteering' to put their lives on the line for this glorious cause," suggested a lieutenant in Rafah. "For some reason, I've heard grumblings, it's never the wealthy, high-ranking Hamas people who suffer, despite their constant repetition of the sanctity and importance of sacrificing oneself. You'd think they could spare a Mercedes or two for the purpose. But no, it's always us peons in harm's way."

Others blame Israel. "They must have found a way to disrupt the movement of these vital supplies," worried Muhammad al-Kalb of Gaza. "When the next war comes, I don't envy our fighters, who will have to actually fight and not cower like girls behind, well, girls."




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