Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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GemaraJerusalem, September 20 - Members of the Islamic religious council governing affairs at the Temple Mount compound found to their shock and dismay today that not only Jews who visit the site perform Talmudic rituals, but that virtually every second of observant Jews' lives is grounded in and governed by the Talmud.

Waqf officials have raised frequent and voluble objections to the behavior of Jews on the Temple Mount, the plateau on which both ancient Jewish Temples once stood and which now houses the Al Aqsa Mosque and the Dome of the Rock. The accusations of Talmudic rituals have been used to incite violence against Jews throughout the country, and formed a central element of Palestinian rhetoric during and immediately before the current spate of stabbing attempts targeting Israelis.

To their chagrin, Waqf members have now been informed that Jews are continuously performing Talmudic rituals as part of their daily routine, from the moment they wake up in the morning to the moment they close their eyes at night - and often in the middle of the night if they are for some reason awake. The revelation has shaken the Waqf to its core, and the group agrees it must find a way to counter these powerful rituals that are obviously so dangerous that they are used to justify the current Knife Intifada.

"Talmudic ritual is everywhere," observed a perturbed Ayama Diqedd. "Jews do it even when it looks like they're doing nothing else. It could be a consciousness thing, just an internal effort to perceive the divine in things - something that's completely invisible to anyone looking on. Even our vigilante - I mean vigilant - guards whose job it is to prevent prayer and other rituals near Al Aqsa cannot hope to catch every instance. It's horrible."

"It's not just when they're doing nothing," added a rattled Adrinq Dayariyya, his Waqf colleague. "Even when it looks like they're involved in a mundane activity, Jews are doing that activity Talmudically. They follow Talmudic guidance not to take large strides; they make sure not to walk between members of the opposite sex; they avert their eyes from forbidden sights. There's no end. And compounding all this, even while they're doing these things according to Talmudic teachings, they're probably also thinking about the Talmud, which makes it even worse."

The Waqf now vows to redouble efforts to keep Jews away from the Temple Mount as the only effective means to safeguard the integrity of Al Aqsa. "Who knows what irreversible damage they could wreak with their Talmudic rituals?" warned Diqedd. "I shudder at the thought of Jews being allowed to do Jewish things.

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