Wednesday, August 19, 2015

  • Wednesday, August 19, 2015
  • Elder of Ziyon
Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Plains, Georgia, August 19 - Former US President Jimmy Carter announced last week that he has been diagnosed with metastatic cancer, and, in a follow-up announcement today, added that he would be traveling to the Gaza Strip to receive medical care so as to ensure that no Jewish doctors are involved in his treatment.

Carter underwent surgery to remove a cancerous tumor in his liver, but his doctors discovered that the cancer had spread to other parts of his body, and that a cure was unlikely at this stage. Undaunted, the former chief executive decided to fight the disease anyway, choosing his therapeutic path based on what he knows of medical care around the world. Carter settled on Gaza as the ideal location for the treatment once he determined that the coastal enclave boasts the resources to provide treatment, because Israel allows unlimited medical supplies into the territory, while at the same time guarantees that no Jewish hands will be involved in his care, in keeping with his stance on pressuring Jews through boycotts in order to wrest concessions from Israel.

A Carter spokesman told reporters that the former president would depart late next week for a series of innovative treatments only available in Gaza. "Mr. Carter's good friend is a Norwegian physician who has spent quite a bit of time in Gaza, and assured him that the place is teeming with radioactive fragments from Israel's profligate use of depleted uranium artillery and ground-attack shells," said the spokesman, referring to Dr. Mads Gilbert. "According to the doctor that radiation places Gazans at risk for elevated levels of cancer, but in this case it might be of help in treating the disease," he added.

The spokesman, Goober Nobel, said that the anticipated treatment regimen will include elements of the former resident's late sister Ruth Carter Stapleton's faith-healing practice, but that those heavily Christian elements will have to be discreetly practiced in Islamic Gaza. "In keeping with Dr. Gilbert's example, Mr. Carter will push aside his own Western sensibilities to accommodate his hosts' convictions, if necessary," he explained. That would entail suppressing both overt displays of Christian faith and any sense of honesty or consistency.

Shifa Hospital Chief of Surgery Dr. Nakba ibn Itbach stated, “We will excise this outsider, this invader and foreign usurper of all that is holy. We will bring it to its knees so that it will crawl to all of its brothers and sisters and call them out to the open where we will lay them low with stones. For on that day they will call out to us, ‘Ye men of faith, elevate us through enjoining us in death as holy martyrs to the cause.’” He declined to elaborate on the medical specifics of the procedure to which he referred.

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